I've had my ups and I've had my downs.
Lost weight(not enough) but pissed enough blood to scare me into eating a sandwich.  Get very sleepy at about 9, and no one knows yet.

Besides Ian. And we don't fight about this anymore. Now we fight on his band.

I'm not sure what pisses me off.  But I know something does. it's not that I care that he's always with three girls.  Because they're all fucking ugly.  But Goldmine pisses me off as a person.  I'm not jealous that she's spending time with my boyfriend, I just hate her as an individual and hate that Ian thinks 'we're alike'
So a couple of gashes and tear-stained pillow cases later, I figure out I miss him.
Which is irrational, since I do see him still.  Just not so much. I'm just tired of seeing him fucking walk away.  Or seeing him leave in a car with five teenagers, who are mostly illegal to be driving.  Three of which are girls.

I don't know, I can't figure out what makes me angry about his band.  maybe that it's sucking up his life. or that it's all he ever talks about anymore.  And it feels like he's pushing me out of the way so he can have his band; If he has the chance to be with me or band, he'd choose the band.
I have a problem with being second best.  Most likely thanks to Val and Micheal, but when I'm dating somebody, and I'm not his favorite thing...I apparently get pissed. Ian said it would be good for him to be at band a lot because then it would 'make me realize that being number one isn't always possible'

You, my lovely boyfriend, are fucking stupid.  Maybe I should start making out with my guy friends to show you that 'fidelity really isn't all that' 

I thought I'd pick up this odd eating habit so I'd be too distracted to worry about Ian. How he's out until 11:30 at night. How he called me at 1:42 am last night to say that he'd stop by tomorrow (Low and behold, it's 7:18 pm...he hasn't even called).  How his band has scheduled so many shows I'm fighting for time to spend with him.
But he cancels all the calorie counting I can do out. I guess that's what love is. It covers obsessions.

I shouldn't have to fight for time with him, huh.  He says he wants space...and I guess I'll give that to him.

I won't call him.
I won't answer his calls.
And I'll make it very obvious I'm unavailable to him.

It's horrible I'm looking for revenge on this.  but I've cried every night for a week, and nothing changes.  If he called me sobbing, I'd drop everything and change for him; obviously I mean a little less to him.

I doubt he knows about my tennis tournaments.  I wonder if he thinks about me in the day.  I haven't talked to him in the past couple of days to even tell him that I've got some bruises from fainting.  Like I'll actually tell him.  He'll get pissed, and it will be the 6th night of screaming and crying.

I'm doing key club, drama, and tennis next year. I'll make myself so busy that we won't even talk at night.
And let's see how that feels, Ian.  let's see how it is when you wait from 9 until midnight hoping for a call, but knowing that you're fucking stupid because you can't depend on them anymore.
Like how I can't depend on you. How I don't trust a single word you say.  Like how 'You'd quit the band'.  How you'd 'see me tomorrow' 'call me tonight'

you're fucking shit and you're fucking stupid because none of it happens.  I'm not saying that you have to talk to me every goddamn night for three hours, just be true to your word.  If you're saying you're going to see me, then don't tell me that and fucking change your mind 'Because band needed to practice again'

You're giving me half a mind to cheat on you.
Dump you.
And tell your sorry ass about it.

When I say that you make it difficult to love you, don't act offended. Don't act like you're confused about how this could happen.  It's very obvious, wonderful darling; don't tell me you love me and then say 'band is something that I've always wanted. Regardless if you're in my life or not'

Every day, you steal a piece of my heart. I'm not saying that to be cliche, or to sound dramatic..It's fucking true.  Every night I wait up for you, and am so tired I could be put in a coma, but I won't let myself sleep because I just want to say 'I love you, sweet dreams'.  Then I start to cry because I miss you and because you didn't call until midnight, so now I can't talk to you.
Every day, I wake up, knowing that I won't see you.  We'll talk for an hour at night, forty minutes will be me crying, and twenty will be me attempting to finally get off the phone.  I don't wear make up when I know I won't see you.  I won't straighten my hair.

You don't know how much you mean to me, momo.  And if I told you, you'd tell me that i'm fucking obsessive and clingy. So I shut up. But when I'm lying on my bed, crying, debating if killing myself would hurt a little less, I just want to hold you.
I just want to feel your heart beat in my ear, I want to feel the warmth from your skin, and hear your voice say that you love me.  I want to fall asleep with you, to brush the hair out of your face, to feel your hands hold mine.

So after bitching. I change. All the times you break my heart up with your fucking hammer, I'll collect the pieces. I'll rebuild myself in steel. And I won't care about you anymore.
I won't care that my boyfriend is gone.
I won't worry that he could be in a car accident.
I won't need to talk to him.

And I'll be me again. Without you. During the school year, I bet it'll get worse. And that's why I have six thousand things in my life to keep me busy; if things get worse. I'm dumping Ian.

Because not even he can fucking put me through that twice.

Someday Momo, I hope you know what this feels like. And I hope you remember me and regret with every inch of your being for hurting me.

natalie 

I'm sick.  Or if I'm not sick yet, I'll be getting sick soon.
I'll make myself sick.

it's started again.  I don't know why. And I don't know who's going to read this, or why they'll care, or if they even will.
Just don't yell at me this time, okay? Don't change my life, and don't threaten me.  Because, bottom line is, i can do without you. You're not that important in my life, and if you become an inconvenience, you'll become history. I have what i need in my life. It's called pro-ana.

It's simple really. Don't change me. Don't scream at me. Don't call me fucking stupid. Because I know what I'm doing, and I know how dangerous this might get.  All I need for you to do is to listen; this will be a warning.

Currently I weigh 120. one hundred and twenty fucking pounds of fat and cellulite and disgusting.  I've gotten sick of it.  I look in the mirror every morning, and i see all of these damned curves. Curves that make a woman a woman.
I'm not a woman. I won't be a woman.  I want to be more than a woman.  I want to be beautiful, I want to be one of those girls that you walk by on the street and have to slow your pace just to look at them. I want people to look twice at me.  I want to be loved. I want to finally be in control of what's happening. I want my bones to show.  I want to be perfect. I want to be striving for something.
And I'm striving for 102 pounds. 102 is no curves. 102 is size 1 jeans.  102 is a Small.  102 is graceful, elegant, perfect. It's achieving nothing but bones, lean muscle, and skin. It's pure like air. 102 is no curves on the hips, it's the space between your thighs. 102 is counting your ribs.

It's what I'll be.

This is how I'll get through AP bio this year. This is how I'll handle Ian and his fucking band. This is how I'll keep my grades soaring. How I'll be in clubs. How I'll make the tennis team. How I'll do community service and how I'll make it into the best college.
Because I'll  be controlling it now.

It's very comfortable to be like this again.  I have my meals planned out the day before, each one 900 calories and below.  I should lose around a pound or two a week. Healthy, and not noticeable.  I live without chocolate, and processed fats. I live clean.
I don't stress or worry anymore.  All I can think about is calories. Food. it's like I'm a fucking calculator, always computing what I've ate, and how much will the next be. Making sure it's under 900.  I know calories of all basic food groups.
Ask me. I'll stun you.

Well, I do know what set me off. It was called a 'Brownie Earthquake' It was at Dairy Queen. It was what I'd indulge in if I ate sweets. It was four days ago.  It had icecream, marshmallow creme, two brownies, oreo pieces, and whip cream.  Easily 1300 calories.
And I ate it. All of it. I have a control problem when it comes to eating food. That's how I know I can control myself when I'm not eating food.
My stomach hurt, I could physically feel the fat and sugar diffusing into my thighs. Making them curve. Making them shoot up to a size 11. Making them fat. And dimpled. And disgusting.
So I had to throw it up. No way you live with that kind of mentality.  And I felt...simple. I felt clean on the inside. I felt the way perfection is.  And loved it.

So out came the journals, the food diaries, the punishments, the exercises.  And it's all working out fantastic.
First couple of days are always rocky, always fucking breaking your limit.  But I handled the situation with 4 miles of running.  And feel better.

I'm sleeping now.  Quite alot, actually. The only time I'm not computing calories and sit ups is when I'm unconscious.  I can rest then, I don't need to be so busy.  Sure I get a little dizzy between breakfast and dinner. Maybe I get irritable and callous when people ask me questions.
But this is worth it in ways you won't understand.

Now all I have to do is wait.
And I'll be beautiful.  And people will want me.  You wouldn't know the difference between joy and pain if you never knew what pain was.
So I'm taking pain right now. This hurts, but it becomes muted.  I'll take this pain, and then I'll be happy.

It always works.
Forever and ever.

Most of this was said as a finality.
Make remarks to me about how stupid I am, or corner me on this. You. will. only. make. me. worse.

I'm happy. Leave me be.
love and thinspiration,
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   Natalie

Summer's gone by quick, ja?

There's not a whole lot I had planned to do. But I'm sure if I did plan something, I definitely would fall short of my hopes.

I can't have goals this summer, I can't have boredom days, I can't have days that I spend only at QFC for lack of entertainment.
Because I'm busy. Because 865 people alway ask me 'When are we gonna hang out? 'Let's hang out soon' 'You and I should chill sometime'. And it pisses me off.
Not like I'm mean and don't want to hang out with you. but I don't.

Tennis tuesdays and fridays. Guitar wendesdays. Ian whenever humanly possible. Chris. Dustin. Mattie.  AH.

I'm going to lose my left index fingernail.  Not too big of a thing for me, but it's kind of nasty. I'll just wear a fake one over it.  No one likes a sausage finger.

My mom had a heart attack in germany. Most people know already. She got surgery, and is now only really weak.  She'll get better. She has to.

I busted my lips open.  They swelled up pretty bad and freaked out everyone at tennis.  Got them suchered up and now I only have a weird speech impediment.

I meet with my dad some days for dinner.  That's always painful.  Haha, it's horrible; I get so nervous and on-edge about what to say that I forget to chew my food and just swallow it whole. And choke. Or I keep my jaw so clenched that it hurts to open it and I get lock jaw.

Man i'm really A.D.D, right?

I just thought of the word Jondas. I think of that alot. Here's where you can stop reading if you're a male. 
I take zoloft for depression and to calm me down because I'm a nervous tweak, and it fucks up my hormones.  Like, I've never had cramps before. Ever. And then once I start taking zoloft, I get them so bad that I get dizzy, feel like I'm going to throw up, can't breath, and it hurts to walk.
Fucccckiing suckkssss.

 And here's where you can start reading again. But will most likely stop again because it's gonna be about Ian.
Not to brag, or boast, or try to sound stupid and annoying (which I undoubtedly already do) But he's amazing. haha, I always hate talking about him to other people, but I find that it's word vomit.  He could do anything (which he pretty much has) and I still take him back.  Dustin calls me stupid, but the line between forgiveness and rejection gets verrry blurred when you're in love.
'In love' that sounds so bad to say. Sounds corny.  Like you don't compliment yourself in front of other people because that's conceited, same with how you don't say I'm in love. Anyways. It's funny hearing girls say 'I want a boy to treat me nice. To call me beautiful, not hot. To walk three miles in the pouring rain just to show up and say I love you' Because ian does that.
Once again, not to be conceited. but he does. And I don't care that he'll be the only guy I have for the rest of my life, because nothing will top him.  It can't. And after 9 months, I still spend a couple hours on the phone with him at night, and most days together. Some part of me says you're stupid for deciding at 15 that you're going to marry this boy, but the other part knows it's right.
Today we went to the county fair, and then came back home and laid on the couch watching T.V, until we played with twirl-o-paint and tried to wax various hairy places on each other. And I could do this everyday and not get tired of it.  He's not a 'boyfriend' anymore, it's like he's a best friend.  I honestly think if I didn't like him so much, he would be a best friend. Because we click. But I do oh-so-enjoy the way my skin gets hot and prickly when he touches me.

Wow. I'm done. Remind me never to talk of him again to other people.
it's gross.

nat, yo

I find that it's easier to cope with dissapointment when your hopes weren't too high in the first place.
So let's start off with a few facts:

I am a horrible human being
I don't actually possess a heart
I am cruel and brutal
I feel the need to capture as many hearts as I find possible
I'm self-centered
I have no morals, guilt or shame.
I'm a whore. A slut. A hooker. A prostitute.  All I need to do is actually fuck someone to get those titles.
I will seriously hurt you if you try and love me.

Now that you don't have any delusions of me being a good person, I'll say I fucked up.  Badly, I guess.  Although it's not affecting me yet; only the shock was mildly frightening.

I made a new friend.  he's Dustin Michael Armstrong.  I met him when I was single, he was nice..we instantly bonded.  A few days of flirting, and I'm suddenly back with Ian.
Not that I don't mind that...After all, I'm undoubtedly in love with that kid.

It was fun to be around a new guy.  When Ian was with his band so much, I never saw him.  I missed him, I was lonely, I got depressed, I was ready to kill.  Dustin wanted to be with me.  Hell, let's say it, Dustin wanted me. 
(Here's where I show how disgusting I am)  I liked being wanted.  That was it.  My feelings were mediocre for this boy, I'd date him.  I liked him, but not enough.  Not to the extent that I liked Ian.  I let Dustin believe I really loved him; who wants to crush a cute kid like that?

Dustin just had to fall in love.  A pretty deep love I'd say.  And it still didn't bother me that I didn't love him back the same.  We hung out, and I'll admit that we flirted.  I was in love with Ian.  But at the time it seemed like he didn't 'want' me the way that Dustin did.  And it feels good to be wanted. And he was new, and exciting, and after 8 months of one boy, you want something new.

I'm a whore for love.  I hung around with Dustin because he loved me. And I needed that.  Ian says he loves me, but it doesn't feel like he shows it.  You can't say 'I love you more than anything' and then leave your girlfriend alone and crying on your anniversary.

I was pissed. I was lonely. Dustin was convenient and a rebound.  I liked him as a friend.  Maybe a friend you could hug once in a while.  I end up hanging with Dustin more than I even see Ian.  I sink low enough to talk to him on the phone for hours at night.  I guess I would maybe date him...if I was single. 

Soooo.. I just sideskirt a couple of facts with Ian.  He hears some of the story, just not all of it.  I find no reason to go into every detail.  What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Until someone says something.

Mattie happens to be the unlucky one who said something.  Ian got pissed (although he wasn't actually too angry.  He was more miffed at the thought that I was trying to stop Mattie from saying anything)
And Dustin hates Mattie.  In his mind, Mattie crushed all the hopes he had of boning me.  Because now Ian knew, and obviously we couldn't carry on as before.  Dustin shouldn't actually hate Mattie, because she just talked.  I was the one who did it.  But you can never hate the one you love.  So you go to the next person who was involved: Mattie.

I blow up at Mattie because I'm scared Ian will dump me, and that I'll lose Dustin as a potential lover.
I later realize I was a stupid shit, because Ian wasn't that angry.
But Dustin was sure upset.

Try 11 hours of crying on the phone.  No sleeping for three nights.  And over 14 calls, and 6 texts.  This kid was commited.  Don't try and guilt-trip me over this.  That I made an innocent 16 year old who was so in love it was painful fall in love and cry.  It won't affect me. Because I am fucking horrible. And you probably don't understand that.  People told me I was stupid, and if I realized how badly I crushed this kid; Duh. I knew. I was the one he called. I was the one who talked to him until 5 am because he was scared to lose me.
I know how bad he was.
I know how scared he was.
I know how in love he was.

I decide it'd be better if I drop kicked the boy, then let him hang around me and slowly realize that I don't have a possiblity of dating him because Ian and I are pretty fucking steady.
He won't take no for an answer.

And that leaves us with the present:  Ian isn't angry anymore, as long as I don't say 'I love you' to him. And as long as I don't hang out too much with him.  Dustin is happy when he sees me, or when we talk; I can't blame him.  he won't stop loving me, and I have to give him atleast something so he doesn't take a bunch of X.

And Mattie might be pissed at me still. In fact I think she is.  Jannay probably is too, although this has nothing at all to do with her. And I think she should back out... But I'm worried about Mattie.  I suppose she'll stop being angry sometime =/.  I hope she will be.
But maybe not.  Because I should've been killed a long time ago.  No one should actually want to be my friend.  I'll most likely hurt them too.

It's what I fucking do.
Not that I'm happy about it.
But it's how I work.  Think of me as a sadist.

Natalie

I'm 15 =]

Feels the same as 14.

not like anyone actually cares about what's happening in my life, but, things with my dad might be getting better.
Or he might be lieing.  He's at group counseling, which I don't really believe. He gave me flowers for my birthday...from his garden.  (please step back in the closet sir, you're exceeding your Gay limit)

I also got roses from Chris (god I love that boy). And Ian.  haha, 40 roses biatch.  And a stupendous cake. And who cares.

So, uh, me and Dustin are kind of beefs.  Haha.  I hang out with him more than I hang out with Ian sometimes.  And that's alright. Cause he's funny, and nice, and likes me, and wants to be around me, and calls me. Pretty much what Ian should be.
Ian's like that sometimes.
But Dustin's new and exciting.  And can lift me up.  Well, so can Ian, just not as well.

I think I want to get to know this kid better =]

But I still have this problem of being completely and hopelessly in love with Ian. 

So maybe I need to be guiltless, heartless, and a bitch and just cheat on him.
Or I can stick to friends with dustin, and lovers with Ian.

Nat.

Ian asked me back out<3.

Thank God...

I'm happy for the most part.  There's little things I could change about him, but I suppose we take the good with the bad.
I just wish he'd want to talk to me more.
Ya know...maybe come home at 8 to call me.  Instead of 11.

And what's weird is that I'm okay with this.  Maybe I'm starting to click in to this long term relationship mode; I know that he won't be perfect...and I have to accept that.  Even if it makes me want to cry.
Because one day, he'll be in my spot.  He'll be wanting me, and I won't be there.  And all the times I've cried and called will come to justice.

I'm hoping to find that with Dustin :).

I wonder if I got down on my knees if Ian would look at me and say 'Okay'.  I wonder if he'd want me more.  I wonder if I told him all the shit that Dustin says (even if he's a huge flirt...) would he care. Would he come home to talk to me. To protect me.

Yea..prove me wrong.  Cause I get tired of not seeing you sometimes.  And I kind of want to smack you across the face and yell at you.  I want you to calm me down. I want you to tell me you love me...and fucking prove it.  Do something, anything, just to remind me why we're together.

But I realize that i'm one of those housewife girls.  I sit at home and wait for you, because maybe you'll call me, and maybe you won't.  And maybe my heart beats fast when the phone rings, and maybe I want to cry when you never call.  But I'll wait...it's all I do with you...I wait.
And I love it. Because I know you can be good.
Just not all the time.

=/...Nat

I just consumed my entire body weight in licorice.
And I'm happy? Yea...this is what this is...this is happy.
i remember this.

I've had 18 people (yes, I've counted) telling me to leave Ian.
Because he's not worth crying over. He's not worth waiting over. He's not worth me.

And, I'm not gonna lie...I believed them. And I really wanted to.  But, he always said he'd 'ask me out again...most likely' and that's a sketchy thing to say...but I believed him.  Because, what the hell, love is this big loop thing. Trust me; I've had a multitude of time to figure this one out:
You fall in love. You're ecstatically happy to the point where you want to cry, just so you remember what it was like to be in pain.  Then things peak off, and you're pretty much killed.  Because God only made you that happy to prepare you for the worst moment.  And the fact that you were that happy will keep you from commiting suicide.  Then things start feeling better, because you can only cry yourself to sleep for four weeks before you start cutting.  And you start falling more in love, and you start smiling more, because you're tired of hating.  And God only made you that depressed so you'd appreciate feeling in love again.
Wash.
Rinse.
Repeat.

It's inevitable, really...so maybe I should learn to enjoy each moment.
And I think I have.

Call it cheesy to grow up so much just because Ian broke up with me.
but I guess i have...

Just stopping Ian would be painful.  But then it wouldn't hurt anymore after that. And, then, I wouldn't be that happy ever again.

Because Ian's 'it'
Ian's that stupid icon about love that you see on the internet.
Ian's the reason I plan out my outfits.
Ian's why I stay up until midnight every night.  Even if he doesn't call me.
Ian's my future.
Ian's a 15 year old, silly boy, and has control of my heart.

Yea...I'll lie, I'll say that he's being an asshole, and that I'm done with him.  but that's cause I don't want everyone calling me stupid and I don't want everyone knowing that i'm okay with a boyfriend who'll 'love me, but not want to spend time with me'

He can skate for the rest of his life...he can spend all the time he wants with other girls..and, yes, I'll hate it. Yea, I'll bitch and cry.  But I know that he'll (probably) come home to talk to me.
Because I matter to him.
Even if I'm last on the list...I'm still on the list.

And this is what you do when you're in love.  And I feel good about this, finally. <3

Yea. I'm still waiting, by the way.  He'll ask me out...hopefully.  Maybe soon, maybe later...but I made him fall madly in love with me once, and I can do it again.

Natalie :]

I have this weird physically sick feeling in my stomach.

So I'm all happy and glow-y now because I know that's what I'd have to be to get Ian back.
It's as simple as that. He hates being around me when I'm sad (which is apparently all the time) So I'm happy for him...then he'll want to be around me.  If he keeps going to band practice like he did, I will once again become pissed off. And probably attempt to end things for good.

Call me a genious? I think so.

So, now, he says he'll ask me out soon. Which I can't tell if it's a lie or not. Cause he still is awful friendly with Khori (hoooo) and it makes me ENTIRELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

She sat on his lap (don't fucking deny it you damn loser.)
She wanted him to walk her to church. He said yes.
She wanted him to go to the movies with her. HE SAID YES.
He sent her a message asking to call her.

So, I'm not against him having friends that are girls. I'm against him building up a close fucking relationship with a slutty girl who happens to be more attractive than me. Although she made her make up ass-ugly today.

He says that they're 'just friends'. You don't do shit like that with a girl, when you are in love with another one. Even if we're not going out, common sense should smack you in your fucking asian face and tell you that it's not okay to call other girls who appear to be crushing on you.
I don't care if all you talk about is me.
All I want you to be talking to is me.

I don't know if I'm possessive and jealous. But this is sending up a huge fucking red flag.

 You know what, I'm done lying down and agreeing to your shitty opinions just so we don't have fights. Why don't you start backing down for once and realizing that THIS IS WRONG.

Here we go...you're not the brightest crayon in the box, so maybe this will lay it out in simple terms that are understandable:

YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE YOU SAY SO.
YOU WANT TO TALK AND HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL.
SOMETIMES BE ALONE WITH HER.
SHE LOOKS SLUTTY, AND ACTS SLUTTY.
I THINK SHE MIGHT BE EASY.
I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT HER. I CARE ABOUT YOU.
I DO NOT LIKE THAT YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER.
LAST WEEK, YOU SPENT MORE TIME WITH HER THAN ME.
AND YOU SAY YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME.
^^^THAT MEANS YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME.
NOT SOME OTHER GIRL.
I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S YOUR FRIEND, JUST DON'T BE SO FUCKING CLOSE WITH HER.

Now do you understand? How bout instead of answering her every wish, you start answering mine.
And when you have a cell phone, how bout you don't hand the number out to girls like that.  I don't give my cell number to guys.
Also, how bout instead of talking to herrrr, you talk to meeee.

Dumbass. This is common relationship sense.

We definitely have to start reaching agreements.

Sometimes, you're so fuckin stupid that I wish I had chosen another guy to fall madly in love with.

(btw, if you start pinning this shit of 'oh! You're territorial! Oh! you're possessive! Oh! I'll have as many girl friends as I want! Cause THEY WON'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!' I'll fucking kill you.  I don't care if she means nothing to you, I care that you want to spend so much time on her)

And, yea, Ian's prob. not gonna read this. but I did hack your myspace account.
you're such an asshole.

Not many people read this.  And the ones who do probably arleady know what's going on.

BUt get ian to read this. Unless things pan out between him and i, there's orpobably a lot of things i won't be bale to say.  Some of them are angry, but i hope morest of them aren't. Please read this kid. i always get scared to talk to you.

(I'm crying right now. thanks)

So. uh, this won't have a lot of structures. just follow the gnereal thought process:

I'm in fucking love with Ian james okampo morales. ANd he treats me like any other friend. My mom knows, mattie knows, everyone knows. And I hate it. i hate it so ufcing much that I don't ksleep anymore. And I cry so much anymroe. And ian dones't mean for this to happen, but he doesn't realizcxe he causes it. Or maybe he does, and he'sa f ucking dick and doesn't change.

IM NOT ASKING YOU TO QUIT YOUR LIFE. IM AKSING YOU TO KEEP YOUR PROMIESES. AND WANT TO BE WITH ME. IM ASKING YOU TO LOVE ME LIKE YOU USED TO. IM ASKING YOU TO NOT PUT ME LAST ON YOUR lIST. IM ASKING YOU TO STOP ME FROM CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP. IM ASKIGN YOU TO GET OUR RELATIONSHIP BACK TO WHAT IT WAS LIKE AT OUR FIRST ANNIVERSATRTY!

 You know what? I didn't fucking change. it was all you. THe way you act, the way i never see you alone anymore, it made me like this. okay? I t made me depresse.d It made me cut mself. You don't even see the new ones, cause you're not around. Sure you 'see' me, sure you t'al' to me. WHenever your firneds aren't around.

You have so many friends that i get budgesdout of your ilfe. I never get to TALK TO YOU LIKE WE FUCKING USED TO. THERES ALWAYS ONE OF YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS COMING UP AND TLAKING. AND I MISS YOU! OKAY?! IM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I MISs YOU! PLEASe, why cna't you miss me too>1? And yea, don't pull that fucking bullshit of 'i sacrificed for you! people want me to skate, and be with them, and i haave band! But i turn that down for you!' Okay. Then tell me when you thave time for a fucking girlfriend. because right nowl, i don't want to be some chick you just hook up with. show me that you fucking lonave LVOE lOVe lvoe vleo me okay? Cause I don't know if you do, and i'm so close to ending everything. just so fucking tired of you and me feeling so alone.

And you say all this shit but it's not likely you ac t it. You say oyu love me and you miss me, but then you don't change. if you loved me, missed me, wanted me as your FUCKING GIRLFRIEND FOR NEARLY 7 FUCKING MONTHS YOUD END THE WORLD FOR ME.

YOu fucking know I'd do this for youl You know I'd tell anyone to go to hell, i'd stop anything for you. Obviously you don't love me . ANd maybe it's good I dumped your ass.

Because, I love you. I love you. I love you so fucking much that it physically hurts me right now. I can actually feel my heart cave inward. ANd I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME LIKE THIS. I hate that I loved you. I hate that I need you. I hate that you're at red robins right now, and you won't call me until 11 pm. I hate that I'll answer the phone. I'll put on a fake fucking smile fo rr you because I want tyou to love me. ANd if i need to suck up my tears, nad ignore the fact that my heart is snapping, i will. i just want you to be with me. and to love me.

And you make so mya promises. and you say so much. AND I BELIEVE YOU! WHY THE efuck amd I so stupid to believe you?! Why cna't I get the hint. I obviously don't mean so much to you or you'd WANT TO BE WITH ME. NO MATTER WHO SAID WHAT.

I WOULD BE AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR BAND. nand i'm not. And i fucking hate being second. sure, you'll eventually see me. sure you'l eventually talk to me. but it'll be at fucvking midnight, or last on your list. CHOOSE ME FIRST ONCE! OKAY!?

and it hrust right now. and i want to do something stupid. bnut i know you won't care. And i walked into red robins and i wanted tyou to walk to me and say 'Yea. I know. You hrut' but you didn't. YOu k now whay? Probably cause you had that fucking slut on top of you.

I would've walked back to find you. i would've said I'm sorry until i couldn't breathe. but my sister told me that she was on your lap. And that girl I can't fucking stand. She's a fcking dumb shit ywho trie dot tell me to stay with you,a dn theat you really love me, then SHE FUCKING GOES AND SITS ON YOUR FDIDKC. I can't fucking believe her. AND IT SHOULD BE COMMON SENSE THAT YOU DONT WALK WITH HER TO CHURCH OR HANG OUT WITH HER! WHEN YOU HAVE   GIRLFRIEND< THAT IS THE ONLY GIRL YOU SEE ALONE! ARE YOU That sUTUtpedid FUCVKIGN DSUTPID BABY@!

tou know, I told you I'd wait foreve.r And I will. And I am. But I want you to know how fucking badly it hruts. And how fucking badly it's changing me. You know how you say it's so hard teo talk to me? bECUAE IM TRYING TO SUCK EVERYTHIGN UOP! BECAUEE IM NOT HAPPY! IM NOT OKAY! IM NOT FEELING GODO@ IM NOT SLEEPING! I CUT STILL! PLEASE! HELP ME OKAY?! HELP ME/ I NEED YOU. AND YOU DONT SEE THIS. And tell me what i'm doing wrong, so you'd actually want me again. nd I put on this fake fucking shit for you, just so you'd want to talk to me. If I'm unhappy, i might as well be fake as a fucking press on fignerlnal so atleast you'd talk to me.

And I was trying to be so happy for you with yourband. because you're happy. but it's hard to be happy when you're fucking crushed inside. i so fucking badly fucking wanted to fucking give you the biggest fucking hug and say I'm proud of you baby. But I can't becuase I know oyu'd be leaving me.

I don't think you know how much stupid shit i do for you. how much i do it because i think you'll like me, and how much more i'd do for you. I smile every day for you becuase i know that's what you want to see. i dont' want st=o smile, in fact i want to sit and cry so long that my eyes fall out. beut i can't around you.

Because i behave like my dad around you. and i'm so scared of that.

And im so close to losing you. but this is my one fighting chance at saving us. and i'm willing to choew off my own arm if that means you'd take me back. because i'm too shaken right now to have me with you.

Gues swhat. I want you to love me so bad that I didn't tell you that Antonio and I kissed.

yea. I fucking hated it. And yea, all I thought about was you. And yea, I fucking regret this so much that I don't want to tell you. And I don't ever want to fucking get close to doing anything that fucking stupid again. but i couldn't think straight without you. i need you more than you know, and when i'm stuck alone forever, i'll take whoever i can get. And it was him. And it wasn't enjoyable. And i thre wup i was so scared and nervous.

And you'll probably dump me after reading this. If we ever get back together.And it was a stupid choice. and i'm sorry. Just know it didn't go further than that and it was one sided. It didn't fukcing mean anyhting at all to me. and if i couldtake it back, i would.

And i though you'd come for me after red robins.

IM SO FUCKING STUPiD FOR WAITONG ON YOU

PLEASE IAN. THIS HRUTS MORE THAN IM WILLING TO TAKE. PLEASE PROVE TO ME THAT YOU LVOE ME AGAIN. PLease. please/ i'm begging you.

It's not me giving up my friends that makes me lonely. it's you. I say that bullshit so we don't fight even worse. but it's you. it's you never wanting to be around me. what happened to when you sed to call me at y? and we'd talk to 10? now I call you at 9:30. And we fight until 11. I doubt you'd even be with me if I wasn't so fucking in love with you.

ian.
i could take you back. or i can stay like this. i just need you to choose whether you want me.

And will continue to want me. and will put me number one on your list. something has to change if we want to be together. cause we don't act like lovers anymore. btw, i'm not the one who's doing anything different. learn to moderate your life.

Goodbye, and fuck yourself.
or I love you and i'll marry you one day.

You fucking choose. This is the last time i'm waiting for you.

natlie.

I can't remember much of last year because my mind is going to hell, but...uh, was I mostly obsessed with Mike?

Like not just the 'Ohhh...I love you!' way but like the paranoid and obsessive/possessive way?
Cause I think I was

And I'm doing the same thing with Ian.  Mike never really had a lot of other girls after him (or else he kept them secret) but Ian has a couple. And it's not that they want in his pants (maybe they do) but they flirt.

And it pisses me off.

Cause yea, I trust he won't do anything, but I don't trust them to not try and start it.  It pisses me off that I'm so territorial and possessive that I want only ME LIKING IAN.  SO Kelley pullin and Lizzy and Kelsee and others can suck it.

Ian doesn't like Kelley, so that's safe. Except if she starts getting too keen on him I won't feel comfortable having him eat lunch with her on A days. And Math is awkward with them.  It's not awkward...it's...it pisses me off. 

Ian likes Lizzy. He can deny it. (and if you come across this don't even try to deny it later) But it shows.  YOu don't tell someone YOU LOVE THEM ALOT, THAT THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, THAT IF THEY DIED YOU'D MISS YOUR CHANCE ON A GREAT GIRL (hello? We're supposed to be together forever, aren't we? So you'd have no chance to take on her..you're the one that wanted to marry me.)  DON'T FUCKING WONDER IF SHE'D EVER STRIP FOR YOU OR TELL HER HOW BEAUTIFUL HER SMILE IS.
You get mad at me for mike, when we don't even do anything. ANd you sit here and say this shit it's so fucking hypocritical.  I just thank god Lizzy's in another state and she can't try anything with ian..or vice versa.

I think I'm so paranoid about this because of Val and Mike.  I mean, I wouldn't be so uptight about other girls likeing my boyfriend if Mike and Val hadn't...you know.

Thanks for scarring me.

Hmmm...I think Mike and I have something we need to talk about.  Just to clear up the past.  And the more I'm around him the more I realized why I liked him...we fit, didn't we.

When we were good, we were really good.  But when we weren't I was kind of maybe too severely depressed.  And Mike and I were alike; Ian and I have about two things in common: Music, and women's clothing.
That's it.

I guess opposites attract, but in the end...you really are just opposites. And I don't even know if Mike would take me back.
If he would, would I date him?

Go through eigth grade again?  Ian's better for me, but he's not what Mike was.

GAHATHAWTH!

I'm done.

Urgh, Love and not so love-y feeling,
Nat

It's early on a Saturday morning, I can't tell if Mattie's upset, and Ianlitos isn't awake.

So I'll write this which is what I've been meaning to do for awhile.

Hadn't posted anything for a couple weeks because I know you people don't care, and I know probably only Mattie reads this. Maybe Lisa when she's lonely.

I find trying to handle and plan my future is something I'm definitely not ready for yet.  I have to do all sorts of clubs and volunteer work and honors and grades and jobs and leadership opportunities to get to my college.  'My college' isn't even definite yet, I just know it will have to be Ivy League. Because my mom says so...and that's who's presently planning my life.
Cause I don't even know what I want to do.  I don't even know what I'll wear tomorrow much less what college I'm going to.

And Ian in the picture in college? Yea, maybe.  Seems like I'd be more worried about him getting good grades than actually having time to study myself.  And I don't want to do the motherly thing and help him out on his homework when I'd have tons to do.
So Ian = independent, or non existent.  I can do that.

The thing with my dad isn't going too well.  He won't listen to us, and believes the problem is with my mom not upholding custody laws.  He's hired a lawyer, which means we might have to too (hello 10,000 dollar fee).  He wants us to meet with counselors but we don't cause my sister and I don't need any fucking mediation.
I hope he dies. I'm reallllly super fed up with him right now.

I might be getting a cell phone if jew Fed Ex can hurry their ass up.

I dumped Ian for a bit.  That was kinda fun.  We're together again (kinda boring, I know) and probably will be for awhile (even more boring, I know)

I threw up a bunch over the last weekend of spring break, and thought I had morning sickness. Which I'm not pregnant, and it was the flu. But it sucked hardcore with me pukinge very thirty minutes and getting dehydrated and what not.  Now my head still spins and vision's a little fuzzy cause my appetite is not what it used to be.

My life is kind of boring, or mostly I don't care about this anymore. 

Love and Great Sexpectations,

Nat

My dad is a douche.

I was supposed ot meet with him on the 28th...so he refuses to come.  We schedule it for the 8th, and he goes missing.  We schedule it for the 14th of March, and HE FUCKING LEAVES TOWN.

If I have to go back there, and attempt to talk to him, I'm going to fucking punch him. It won't hurt him, but I'll be satisfied if I break all my knuckles.  So, I have no idea where my dad is, and I have no idea when he'll be talking to me next.
But, there's no way in hell I'm going back to his house on Thursday.  My sister's been crying too much (again) because the police are going to have to talk to us.  But I don't care...I. hope. my. dad. dies. and. if. the. police. have. to. talk. to. us. so. I. don't. need. to. go. there. anymore...I'm okay with that.

I'm not even scared or sad anymore, I'm so frustrated. Or angry. or something, i don't know. I'm ashamed that he's my biological father.

Sleeping is getting really weird. Sometimes I do, and it has a bunch of night terrors, and most the time I just don't.  But Ian helps with that. Or, he kind of helps with everything...

(most people would stop reading, unless your Ian, for hatred of me sounding like a cheesy romance movie)

Remember how I was always 'Gah! Anti-love! We can't fall in love at 14! That's weird! RAH!'?  It changed.  I sort of, maybe, kind of, really, resisted falling in love. But I did. And sometimes I hate it.
But most of the time, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't even think I could really say what Ian is. He makes me lose all sense of the English language.  But I see hiim every morning, and my face splits into a smile...even though most of the times I want to die...but I can't help it. And when the phone rings, my heart goes into my throat because it could be Ian! And you think after taking to him for 4 hours a day, something would get boring...but it can't. Everything he does, I love. And even though people say we're a weird match. I know that we're not.
And I'm going to marry him.

Not right now, not in five years...but definitely some time.  We've already planned our lives. As sick as it may seem... I like the way it sounds.  I can sleep when he talks to me.  I CAN SLEEP! Being around him makes me feel safe, or something..I don't know. And I know that he is that 'someone' because he makes the impossible easy. It's stupid to say I know I fell in love because Ian makes me sleep. But it's the best way I can say it. 
See...I'll keep Ian in check for good grades. Then I'll go off to college. And so will he...he'd either be in the same college, or go to a college near there. We'll share an apartment together, and even though we probably won't have money...I'd sleep on the floor with him and eat peanut butter every day of my life if it meant being by him. Then we'll graduate college, and I'll work in genome researching, and then go into OSHA for seeing how drugs affect humans.  And he'll have his job, whatever it is, and we'll be happy.
He'll propose to me at 22, and we'll get married once we're out of college. Ofcourse, I'll cry when he drops to his knee.  Then the wedding will be classic...and amazing. And my dad won't walk me down the aisle. And neither will his dad...but who cares. I'll get my mom.
And then we'll live in a small house, nothing too big, and I'll have a kid.  Then we move to a good school district, and we'll raise it right.  I'll have another one in two or three years, and then Ian will be the best father. Because I know he will be...or I'll kick his ass.
I won't have to worry about being abused, because I know Ian would rather kill himself than harm me.  And our kids will be smart, and if it's a boy, Ian will teach him to skate. And we'll teach 'em guitar.  And I'll paint my little girls' fingernails, and do their make up.

And then we'll grow old together. And I'll die at 85...or right after whenever Ian dies.  I won't have to worry about going to heaven, because I would've already lived with Ian for 70 years, and that's the best heaven anyone could give me.

See? at 14 I already know my life. And that's why sometimes I hate being in love. Because everything is so set in stone...no new excitement. But he makes every day worth it.

Uh. So now that you've read my tacky story of my life. I leave you with:

I <3 Ian, Love and pencil sharpeners,

Nat

I've lived at 16575 NW Redding Lane since 1996.

And now I'm moving.

As of February 28th (if things go the way I hope) I will never ever be residing with my father for the rest of my life.  I will never be living with my dad. I will never walk through the front door.  I will never cry in this bed.  I will never sit in an obnoxious green room and think about dying.

I WILL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN.

And it feels better than it should saying that.

My dad will be getting a call from Nancy Ross Baker on Monday. On Tuesday he'll be in counseling with me. And on Wednesday I will no longer be his daughter.  And I will no longer have a father. 

I suppose if you know me, you've seen what's been going on the last week or so.  If you don't then...
I've been going through withdrawal.  And it's not like what the movies say (are there actually movies about withdrawal???)  I thought I'd be fine, I've only been heavily on pills since about december? November? My memories been fucked up by all of them. But it was enough.  I'm estimating, roughly, I've taken over 250 pills.  (cue the shock)

I'm really hoping people aren't noticing, cause I've been trying to hide it, but I can't remember anything anymore.  It's weird, like early alzheimers, but it's fucking scary.  Somebody tells me something, and I panic because I can't remember it at all.  I've been bullshitting too many things because my short term memory is gone.

So, I uh...OD'd on pills sometime...FUCK! I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN!!!! Something..uh. Shit shit shit. Dr. Todd knew. What was it?
Godfuckingdamnit
OH! I missed school one day because I was throwing up severely since I took too many pills again.  It cut up my throat cause the medication had built up in my body and completely saturated my organs.  My mom took me to the doctor, and they asked what was going on and like a fool, I told them.
Pills are completely gone, now.  There's no way I can get a hold of a single one (although I do take a couple on some nights. On bad nights though).  And withdrawal was so fucking painful.  It's not like getting a bad cut, painful. It's like you can't move, you can't think, you can't cry because all you feel is your stomach and every muscle shriveling.  And every nerve in your body is screaming because it needs sleeping pills.  I was taking tylenol for some of the pain, and took enough of that to just numb all of my body.  For about 7 days? maybe a little longer? (can't FUCKING REMEMBER) I was in this crippling state of wanting a pill. Not even wanting, needing...it was obsessive.  At night, when I was supposed to be sleeping, I couldn't breath, I'd start to cry, I hallucinated a few times, and started coldsweating.  Ian called a couple of times (bad mistake) and I flipped out.  I wanted to talk to him, but all I could say was 'Ambien, Lunesta, sleeping pill sleeping pill, medication, need, want, need need, melatonin, knockouts, i'll die'.  It was wrong how..addicted? I was.  If someone had one sleeping pill, doesn't matter the dosage, and told me to kill Ian with my teeth, I would've.  I would've killed my family, commited robbery, anything...just for one pill.

And I went crazy a bit.  Don't remember a lot except that the agony transcended pain. It was enough for me to pierce through my skin with my nails and not feel it.

But now things are fine. Kind of.  Sleeping isn't too good, but it hasn't caught up with me yet.  And this is the first time in a LONG time that I've been without any medication.  And I'm not going to be on any medication in the future because of how bad of a dependence I get.  So...Natalie's going to be in counseling for awhile to fix the problems.

It's weird to think of me as getting 'fixed' isn't it?  All the problems I've had since the 7th grade...all going to be gone. Woah. Normal...

Uh, probably getting cut from tennis. That's okay, though...I knew I would.

Took 1st place, and going to state for my science project. Oh boy...nerd alert.

Natalie

I like the feeling you get when you sneeze. You get goosebumps and your nose doesn't tickle anymore.

Besides that...

 I wasn't at school this morning because my throat got cut up. You know that little piece of flesh that hangs at the back of your throat? Yea, mine is cut up cause I threw up too much.  It's pretty excruciatingly painful trying to swallow.  I stayed home all day, and watched the juice seperate from the melted icecubes in my glass.  I slept for a lot of it (thanks to meds) and eventually went back after school was out because I missed Ian.
Sad isn't it?

Got my physical. I'm growing to, at most, 5'5". Hello midgetosity for the rest of my life.  I was congratulated at having the normal BMI. And now they want to test me for more blood stuff.  haha, no.

Went to counseling.  I'm not gonna take any meds. At all. The sleeping ones give me a tolerance, and the other ones make me feel like shit.  So, it's going to go back to Natalie being a bitch.  Great.
Nancy says that we need to talk to my dad right away to prevent any further pain he'll cause.  So, on February 28th, at 4 pm, my dad is coming into counseling with me.  Holy fuck.  She has to call him and tell him to 'join your daughter in a supervised talking session', and he'll miraculously agree.  I bet I'm going to be getting an angry call from him and I'll be in trouble.

I don't care. I'll be getting out. That means it's fine, right?  I made Nancy cry again.  She really apparently feels for me...which is weird.  I didn't want to cry, in fact I tried really hard not to. But she said something...and I lost it. I don't remember, it was like 'It's painful over there...isn't it? It gets lonely, I bet. And he's not a father, he's a broken person...and you shouldn't have been put through this.  You needed him, and he was never there...was he.  You still need him, and it hurts you knowing that you can't have him.  It's not just lonely over there, it's physically painful...he doesn't notice you. There's a difference between being lonely, and then being in a room with someone who doesn't want you; that's true loneliness.  When you were little, you expected his arms to open up, and for him to love you, didn't you.  That's what all little kids want...a dad. It's ruined your childhood not having a 'dad', right?'
    & nbsp;  So for anyone who didn't understand what I meant with counseling being FUCKING SHIT, I mean that they put salt in to gaping wounds.  They tear out my rib cage and look at my 'I hate my dad' heart and poke it.  They force you to relive the memories, to get out the raw emotion, to learn why you cry yourself to sleep. To learn why every word you say drips with acid when you speak of your father.

Life is going to be ...hard?...for the next three months.  The first battle to win is getting my dad into the ocunselor's office, then we have to see if he'll listen. If not we have to go through the courts (which is going to be too similar to when I was four).  Then I have to continue counseling to fix what he's broken inside of me. 
And you know what? When she asked me if I wanted to continue any sort of relationship with him, I started crying.  Why would I want to fix a relationship when the person who is killing it has fucked me up so badly?  So many things have gone sour because of him.  I'm so fucking scared now because of him.  My childhood, and any image of a father I wanted, has been fucking shot because he couldn't be my dad. Because the ass couldn't want me.  He couldn't love me. He couldn't look at me and go 'it's okay Natalie. You're my daughter...I'M HERE FOR YOU.'

I have reasons to be this pissed off. Thank you. I don't need any medication to sedate my rage.  And I have reasons to resent my father, and to wish sulfuric acid burns his eyes out for ruining my life.  I hope when he's dead, he'll be turning in his grave because God won't let him rest for hurting someone this badly. I hope, when I'm 18, or whenever I don't have to live with him, that he stays in that house for the rest of his life. Without human contact. I want him to know what it's like to be scared, lonely, and cold.

My mom told me to start bringing things from his house to here...she doesn't think I'll last too much longer over there.  I could tell she wanted to say, 'I don't think you'll be lasting too much longer...anywhere.' 
I never really thought of how hard it was to...live? I don't know. it's like a constant battle to move from my bed in the morning. And it's a uphill fight to try and want to do something. I lost interest in trying my hardest for school, now I do what gets me an A...and that's it.
Living is harder than I was told it was going to be.

Natalie

To get my normal life out of the way (aka the depressing things)...
Here's the update:

 I'm in weekly counseling with Gwen.  Who wasn't my child counselor, but a court therapist.  They think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from being abused as a kid/the divorce/emotional abuse after the divorce.
    & nbsp; I'm testing depression meds.  Only because they're making me.  And it makes me feel fucking sick.  Some of them get me waaay too excited for everything, and other ones give me these like...godzilla cramps in my stomach.
(ps...I'm not getting a presciption to any happy pills no matter what they say. And that is the end of the story.)
    & nbsp; Gwen says I 'repress my emotions' Fuck you. And that 'the hole in my heart is never going to be fixed with the way my dad continues to treat me.  Life shuts down over there, doesn't it?  It hurts hearing him say "your mother" like an insult to you guys, right?  I wouldn't be able to live in that type of situation.  You have to know how to seperate his bad parenting from your relationship with him. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, OKAY?'
Yea! Alright! I know! I've been through this stupid shit all my life, O-FUCKING-KAY?! If I was a better kid, he'd want to be my dad. You know that's logical. 
    & nbsp; Found a good sleeping pill (ambien).  I got a little bit of a tolerance and dependency already. Whatever...I can sleep 7 hours a night, that's all that matters.

And now for the good part of my life:
Aka...Ian. And the fact that my mom told me what 'love' is. And it wasn't what I thought it was...so I do actually love Ian.  Which is a relief.

Anahi concert? I think so.
Uhh...pretty much the best thing in my life. Besides Miggy (will you marry me?) He's got the FFTL screams, and the hair of a sex god. And looks good in girl pants. And has a kinda super hot everything. At the end of the show, I was like 'You scream amazingly' And he turned around and said thanks and asked me my name, and I told him.  Then he said that he hopes to see me at his next show.  I was about to hug him, but Ian was right behind me...that woulda been awkward.
Oh geez. Miggy alone makes me want to be an Anahi groupie.  And at the end of Make A Change he was like "JUMP!" and everyone was like Raaarh! (beat people up in the mosh pit)
Which I went in to. Until I got thrown into the floor and landed on someones knee.  But, it's not that scary.  All you do is get tossed in there where there's a bunch of people flailing around like idiots.  You get punched a couple times and then knocked over. Then someone pulls you up (some asshole grabbed my neck to pull me up) and do it again. Until someone pushes you down and you get trampled.  Which didn't hurt so bad.
But, uh, ...ask to see me bruises =D

Mat. was pretty supah hot on the guitar.  And singing.  He totally looked down at me when he started 'This One's For You'.  Haha, I told you to change the name...it's shwaaaay better than 'Lovebreak'.

Came home and showered and lost my voice and talked to Ian.

Love and Miggy,
Nat

After spending an unecessarily long heart-felt conversation with my mom on the phone...here's my problems in a nutshell:
1)I feel abandoned from my father, and that's why I'm bitter towards life
2)I never feel good enough, or I never feel perfect because I view my dad being an asshole as me being an asshole child
3)I feel fat and ugly well...cause I am. She said something about not feeling accepted or whatever from the divorce.
4)The one that scared me the most: I still kind of like Mike...a little...like...friendly-like, because he really does remind me of my dad.  The way that I was out of sight, out of mind in the eigth grade.  Or the it was never too fond of a relationship, never too romantic.  Never too involved.  It's all like my dad.
5)Not sleeping comes from when I remember seeing my parents fight at night as a little kid, when they thought I was asleep
6)Night terrors are from severe stress and emotional abuse trauma (i hate that term)
7)I don't sleep because I'm afraid I'll wake up, and my dad won't be home
8)And most importantly...I'm not happy with Ian. I don't want to commit to a long-term relationship.  Why? Because before you're happy in a relationship, you have to be happy by yourself.  And, as it's become clear to a lot of people, I'm not happy. 

She kind of wants me on meds too.  It's weird to think of me as depressed, huh.  I guess Ian gets the shitty end of my emotions cause he's around me so much...but I'm not. I can't be. I'm sad.  Just sad.  I've been sad since I was 11. That's okay.  I can hide it well enough.

I'm tired. I don't want to move. I think I'll sleep all day.

Oh yea, MORP. It was fun.  Everyone looked nice.  Ate dinner with Ian, that was fun.  He made me feel pretty...really honestly pretty.  It's the first time someone looked at me and went 'God, you're so damn amazingly beautiful.' and when we were slowdancing to whisper in my ear that I was the prettiest girl he's seen in his life. 
I don't know...I kind of lost interest this morning in telling about it.  It was nice, though. Very nice.  I need a better dress. Mine was kind of bad-looking/fitting.

nat

So, apparently people say there are no paragraph indents in this new tblog. Put paragraph marks where you see fit.

I go to the court counselor's on Tuesday, the 7th.  And if I'm seen as 'mentally unstable' then we can't change anything.  Hopefully, I won't cry, I won't mention that I see things, I won't talk about what's on my stomach or arms, and they'll change the laws.  My heart is up in my throat, and I started crying too much on the phone with Ian.  I really don't feel...good. Fuck it, I don't even care anymore. Yea, marks on my body aren't good.  No, bruises don't help.  I know crying myself to sleep three nights out of four is unhealthy. And my level of exhaustion is unsurpassed by any human.

Did I mention that I'm on Ambien?  And that it fucking sucks?  That it has a 'slight risk of dependence', which means that Natalie already needs one and a half to fall asleep within 90 minutes.  And it gives me headaches for the first time in my life. 
Stopping those pills.



On the only happy subject(it's actually depressing, but disguised well) I think I severely have a dependency problem on Ian.  A couple days ago I called his house every 20 minutes from 2 till 6 because he wasn't picking up the phone. I even brought the phone with me in the fucking shower in case he called.  And when I thought he was coming over 'later' I waited by my window for an hour hoping he'd round the corner.  When someone mentions his name, my breathing gets really shallow, my eyes bug out, and my heart tries to break through my rib cage.  I worry about him, and can't do my school work because I'm thinking about if he's walking home in the cold and dark.  Spending two and a half hours on the phone isn't enough because I miss his voice the moment he hangs up.  We talk about getting married, and, most the time...I want to. I don't care what our future looks like, I just want to know that Morales is covering Minas, and that at the end of the day, he sleeps next to me.

Is this love?  It pisses me off. I never wanted to fall in love. I still don't.  I don't want to do this. (shut up you idiot girl) I don't want to have to be so fucking dependant (he's good for you) on someone I've only been dating for three months.  Wearing the ring (the one that you stare at when you don't sleep? and think about replacing it with a real one some day?) reminds me how deep I'm in this. And how badly I want out. (don't fucking say that).  I hate having to think about him every day (you mean all night?) And I don't want to have to be tugged around so easily by his words (those words that are always perfect).  I hate the commitment and the obligation that I'm reminded of every time we talk about growing up together (you hate being safe for once?) I loathe the fact that my plans for college, and life, and kids, and marriage are fucking revolving around this 15 year old kid who means more to life than me.  The fact that I'd die for him, and very literally mean that, scares me (why? Because you know he'd do the same thing?) It's fucking helpless, and hopeless, and frightening being held so fragilely by his hands (that would never let you down...ever).  I'm dangling on a thread that can snap whenever this ends (IF it ever ends) And when it ends, I'll kill myself (Why bother living when your life isn't in your arms?)

I love him, but fucking hate the fact that I'm so helpless. =/

I wasn't made for love. At all. I was meant to be a hermit my entire life, and I'll be one. (But, Jesus, no way in hell you'd let him out of your grasp.  You'd rather swallow razorblades than know that he can't have your name be synonymous with girlfriend)

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to move from my bed. I don't want to live. I don't want to try. I don't want to know I'll fail.  I don't want to attempt to do...anything.  I don't want to live.

Natalie

There's a lot of expressions that people use when things turn sour.
The shit has hit the fan seems to be my favorite.

So...
The shit has hit the fan at record speeds.

An internet journal is not what I need right now, and I figure only about four people read this, and if they wanted to know what was going on, they'd ask me.  So here's a brief synopsis with fits of anger and depression thrown in.  I probably won't update this thing for a long time. 

I'm back in counseling.  Watch me slit my arms and drowned in a pool of my therapy-loathing blood.  Sure, everyone's in counseling, sure it helps everyone. Not me. I don't have a problem. And they can't fucking fix this...it's not broken. They can't tell me that things are going to be oh-so-fucking perfect when I can see that they're not.
They're damn liars.
And it's fucking sick what they do to try and help people.

How I reached my breaking point is as follows:  My mom said she went to family courts. I cry.  First time she's seen me cry seriously in a long time.  Try...3 years? Maybe? I couldn't stop for an hour and a half. She asked me what was wrong and every thing that had to be kept inside so I could hold my sister up came out.  All the times I bit my tongue so I wouldn't start a fight with my dad spilled.  Every part of my past that's been neglected from pain surfaced.
It made her cry.
Because she never knew I was hurting. And she never knew I was upset. And she never knew that things weren't okay.

Family Courts says we have a 40% chance of losing the case. And that 40% means that I'll be living at my dad's full time, with my mom paying child support.  There's been lots of talk going around and lots of meetings and lots of my sister crying...and dad still isn't the wiser. We're going to put my into the psycho ward and see what the shrink says and then go change it. And if we lose, I'm going to kill myself.  And when I say that, I don't mean the way that those preps go, 'Oh my god...I'm going to KILL MYSELF.' I mean that I'll take all the pills and maybe alcohol, a knife if I feel brave, go to the bathroom at my dad's house, turn on the shower, and 'self conclude myself'.  Nothing flashy, nothing big. No note, don't want it dramatic. Clean. Simple. He won't notice for atleast an hour.

One of my friends was admitted to the hospital because of severe depression, and his visiting rights are limited to family members. I can't say his name becuase people aren't supposed to know yet, but...You're only admitted to the hospital if you've tried to kill yourself...
Jesus, ________, I'm so sorry.  so so so damn sorry. I love you. I love you, and I mean it.

My sister is withdrawn.

My mom cries now.

I'm going to my dad's house tomorrow.

Scarred body adornments remind me of everything that's failed.  Maybe they're new, I'm not sure. 

I can't remember what I was saying everything above there about.  I just know that I don't exactly want to see tomorrow.  I don't ...I...how do you say this? I lost the lust for living?  I quit?

Mike said only wussies quit.
I'm a wussy.
He said that I don't want to die.
You're a fucking liar and you know that. You don't know what I want to do, and you can't feel what's happening.

I remember this feeling where it's a lost cause. And you don't want anything, and I don't want to laugh at people's fucking stupid jokes, and I don't want to smile, and I don't want to hug anyone. I want to stay in my bed, and sleep and cry and maybe if I'm lucky god will kill me.
I'll ask.

This thing really is stupid, Bye for a long time

Natalie

Last Summer I went to Arizona.  And I cried when I left.

I'm going back in 7 hours...and, I'm not going to lie, it's gonna be nice being somewhere that isn't so...fucked.

My sister cries.  Quite a bit in fact.  Let's just say....10 hours a week?
Is that normal?
I think not.
It's hard walking by her room and hearing her sob.  I mean, jesus, what am I supposed to do?  She's so helpless, it seems; and she's my damn sister.  All because my dad...I hope karma has something for him later in life.
I'm thinking painful death by choking.

Uh...Christmas at my dad's house was less than pleasant.  Let's leave it at that.

Christmas at my mom's was amazing, like always.  It feels like a family over here...not something forced out of fear.

Ian....I'm hoping you'll somehow come across this and read it.  I'm sure it will make you feel more assured of everything.

You were pretty much my fucking life in eigth grade.  All the shit that happened, all the friendships that I ruined, all the times I was crying thinking about you ruining our relationships...it was all because of things surrounding us.
I get disgusted calling it an 'us.'
Being around you reminds me of old times, but, do I want old times?  Do I want to emotionally kill my best friend? Do I want to literally kill a person who means more to me than you possibly could imagine?
I can't believe I was so...ignorant? Stupid? Blind?  Everyone told me it was wrong, but I ignored it because I thought you could be better.  I thought you could be something you weren't to me.  And, you're not a bad person...just...I feel bad; I thought you were good for me.
Because obviously we're not a good match.  I had the opportunity to fuck something real good up the other day, but I didn't...because I found someone who is everything I had wanted you to be.
And your claws have finally dropped from my heart.

Happy trails, buddy.  Never again will I be looking back.

I stayed up until nearly 4 am talking to Ian.
And then passed out, hahaha...
I kind of really fucking love this kid.

Love and airplanes tomorrow at 6 am,
Nat

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not as they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world
Excuse me sir, but I had plans to die tonight
Oh and you are directly in my way
And I bet you’re gonna say it’s not right
My reply
Excuse me miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you’re talking to
She said I don’t care you don’t even know me
I said I know but I’d like to change that soon hopefully
Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
See the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died
My reply
Trust me girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice
Instead of dying living with me
I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliché motivation it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do
My offer stands and you must choose
Alright you win but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you will never see it coming
Said oh precious I know what you are going through
See minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too

These pills aren't working anymore 
My guts are spilling out onto the floor 
of a nightmare you wouldn't believe 
of a nightmare you could not conceive of 
You're floating above my head 
There are words carved in my chest 
and they said, 
"Could somebody show me the kind of affection 
that you only see in the movies, you know what I mean"
 I will suck the elixir from your fingertips 
Until I feel my head starts caving in 
My mouth will overflow with your evil soul 
And I'll be convulsing for days in this hole 
Bubbling at the lips that you used to love to kiss 
Well, I think I'm trying to wake up, but I can't
These pills aren't working anymore 
My eyes are gouged out and rolling under the door 
It blacks out the nightmare you wouldn't believe 
a nightmare you could not conceive of 
I will suck the elixir from your fingertips 
Until I feel my head starts caving in 
My mouth will overflow with your evil soul 
And I'll be convulsing for days in this hole 
Bubbling at the lips 
I know you never meant to do everything you put me through 
It's okay I forgive you 
Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes 
I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind 

The future was meant to hold hope and promise.
So, where does it say that it's okay for tomorrow to continually be the worst day of my life?

Three more days until I'm gone.  5 More days until we have  to go into that family counseling thing.  7 more days until I go to Arizona.

I was trying to fall asleep the other night, and seeing as God hates me, it wasn't working.  So I get to thinking (cue the bad thing about to happen).
You know when you're about to cry?  And there's that ball of emotion that rises up into your throat?  And I always have to keep mine held in because I can't cry?
It's stuck.  I feel like I'm permanently about to cry.   And I don't know why...It's weighing my haert down.  It just feels fucking heavy.
I don't want the next five days to happen.

Fuck...I actually forgot what purpose I had for writing this.  Ignore it all .

Last week was stressful?
I think?

I can't remember anything that happened.  Every week sort of blends in with the others.  *sigh*

My mom gave me a talk on sleep deprivity; something that I seem to be suffering from pretty badly.  I kind of passed out once or twice because I don't sleep enough.  And on the weekends, when I have to catch up on Honors, I'll read Into The Wild...and randomly fall face first on to my floor. 
It's not a good sign.

Also the whole retard eating thing is coming back again.  Thank you Mattie for bitching me into eating? Even though it didn't work...you just kind of bitched me.  Lol.  Same with Ian, who didn't even bitch.
Just 'took care of me' 

Fuck people...don't try to tell me what I should do. Don't 'take care of me'. Don't shelter me. And don't treat me like some four year old who can't make her own fucking decisions.

It makes me sleep nicely though...kind of. Weird night terrors been happening.

Snow was fun.
First time for Ian.
Bruised so badly I can't walk.
^^^They're kind of sexy...all bumped up...wanna touch em?

Love and extreme sledding off of a skateboard ramp at night,
Nat

Okay.
I love KoRn.
That's a fact.
Anything they produce is righteous.
That's a fact.
I found the entire See You On The Otherside album on the internet.

And what the fuck guys.

Honestly.

You're ...good...Kind of.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK?!!???

JONATHAN DAVIS WAS NOT MEANT TO SING HIGH! HE WAS NOT MEANT TO SING A FUCKING SLOW SONG! HE SOUNDS LIKE ASS!!! (listen to Tearjerker) AND YOUR LYRICS ARE SHITTYYY!!!!!!!!!! (Politics)

OKay...there are good songs: Coming Undone, Hypocrite, Throw Me Away, Love song...

BUT HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUNKY IS SCREAMING! NOT GOOD! HIS VOICE BLOWS AT SCREAMING. AND JON ISSSNNNNN'''"TTTTTTT SCREAMING.

THE FUCK!??!!?

I'm so pissed I'm just going to cut my wrists and die in my own KoRn-better-not-suck-any- harder-than-this-album-do es-because-they-might-pop -something blood.
KoRn is still amazing.

But this album needs WORK.

You ever look in the mirror
and then start to cry
because that's not who you are,
and that's not what you want to be.

And it's the first time that you actually see yourself.
Not look at, but literally see.

It's an eye-opener.

I don't...I...well...I just don't like me anymore.  I don't 'like' me.  I don't like anything.  I hate it when people tell me that I'm pretty (Ian, suck it) becuase it only makes it worse when you lie to make me feel better. And I hate it when people tell me I'm skinny because it's like trying to tell a hippo that it doesn't look fat in it's swimsuit.
We all know it does.
We all know I do.
Stop lying.  And leave me alone.

My sister's back in counseling.  She's the first to crack.  She always was, and always will be.  Let's see if I go next...
    & nbsp; She cries all the time.  When I say all the time, I don't think you people understand that it is literally ALL the time.  Every fucking day, every fucking hour, every fucking minute that I see her. 
It's disgusting.
She's scared.  Petrified, actually.   She can't talk. Her grades are dropping.  She sleeps less than she already does.  And she's been in the Family counselor at school for a week.
All because she's afraid to talk to my dad.

So the burdens moved to my shoulder.  And that's okay.  Becuase, wow, remember those stories I told of when I was a little kid?  And she couldn't handle life, so I carried her?
And what that did to me?
That's what I'll do again.  Yea, it's going to hurt me.  Yea, it's going to take a lot of time.  Yea, I'm liable to do a lot of stupid things.
So shoot me.
Because humans weren't meant to go through this shit twice.

Dad is at the store right now.  I suppose I'll 'talk' with him when he gets back.

I'm not scared.  I'm numb.  I'm not actually thinking of what's about to happen.  Just...I'm focused on not breaking down.  And not letting things out.

I have a 91.3% in geometry.
Fuck.
I'm going to fail that class.

I don't do anything but homework.  Sleep has actually taken second priority to homework.  Everything has taken second priority to homework. 
And it's sad.
And it's pathetic.
And it's wrong that I can't eat sometimes because I'm working too much.
Or that I sleep two hours a night because I want to study for Chemistry.
But I have to.

Because I'm not going to fail anything.  And because that's what Lisa did.  And I'm fucking forced to live up to that image of honors and A's.

Goddamnit.
I look dead.
My face is pale and sickly.  My hair is shit.  My circulation completely stopped.  My eyes are glazed over. 

Shoot me,

Natalie