I'm pretty sure that every entry I've made has been after midnight...maybe I should make a rule about that or something.  Atleast I get to enlighten you people to Natalie's Late Night side.  (P.s...that side of me is bad-ass, just so ya know.)

I spent a good portion of my time last night looking over pictures on the 8th grade CD and reading my diary.  I noticed the changes in my appearance, and in what I was thinking.
All I have to say is...Fuck.
    & nbsp; I looked at the faces of my friends...ones that I've only been away from for around two weeks, and I realized how co-dependant I am.  At first, it pissed me off...because I'm self-sufficient(...right?!?!) But then I wanted to cry.  This is me whining and complaining again, but...I remember so vividly spending most of my day with you people.  Spending 7 hours of my day by your sides.  And I want that again.
     I try to solace myself with the thought that I'll see them over the summer, and maybe next year; but that's not good enough.  I want everything to go back to the way it was.  Sure, I'll see you people now and then, but I want to see you all the time.  I try my hardest to be independent, but in the end I know that I'm not.  You all were my strength...and being away from you for so long has left me weak.
    & nbsp;  And, re-reading those last two paragraphs, I'm yelling at myself for being clingy.

And, if my physical changes weren't startling enough, all of my journal entries slowly changed into something different.  I want to call it a bad different, obviously I can't.  Because, remember, I can't be down on myself; I can't have negative opinions about myself.  The writings went from simple ones, full of hopes, dreams and wishes, into ones with scorn. And then I found my lists, and some really sick ideas.  A new passage started, each one having something to do with a feeling I got when we touched.
Because, we were that close...now we're not.  And we never will be again.  Ever.  That's what tears me apart; knowing I won't be able to feel you every day. 
Part of me wants to say that I'll find someone to replace that...but I don't. I just want what I used to have.

I'd like to say that writing this has been therapuetic.  Too bad it's not. I'm slowly coming to terms that I will never, ever be who I was in 8th grade. I'll never be so close to a group of people that I could sense their mood by their walks. I'll never laugh so hard I can't breathe with them, I'll never stand by my locker...waiting for them to walk by, I'll never search the masses of people for their faces, I'll never have the comfort of knowing they understand me.  And I have to close that chapter in my life.  Why can't I?! Why am I putting up so much of a fight?!?!  Change is normal...I'll have to deal with it everyday of my life, but I can't seem to deal withthis.
Heh...tears are brimming in my eyes...

You know, there've been signs all through my life about resistance to growing up. And when it finally comes down to the time to actually become an adult...I panic and try to stop it.  Blame me for wanting to stay a kid? Sure you can. But can you blame me for fearing the loss of the ones I love? No...you can't.  Because no matter how many hours I spend talking to them on the phone, or reading the text they type, nothing will amount to seeing their face. And I still crave that.  I still want to feel their presence behind me, their hand on my shoulder (or in Furb's case...hitting my shoulder)...Basically, I'm suffering from a severe case of the I-Miss-You's. And, Boys and girls, I think this one might be fatal...
Goddamnit, I'm kicking myself again for clingy-ness.

'Slow change may pull us apart, I'll put us back together at heart...'
I can't put us back together...that's the problem. The thing I miss most was your leg next to mine.  Silly girl notions, aren't they?

You called at 11...and I was happier than you know to hear your voice.  Even though I've treated you like shit, you've still stood by me. And I can't believe that.  You never cease to amaze me.  And, yea , I watched you walk away; I was wondering why you chose me.  I'm not different from any other girl...just a plain Jane.  But, I'm glad you did pick me; you're extraordinary.  I watched you walk...that same old wide-legged gait, and I remembered all the times I watched you leave me.  Most the time because of something I said, and I wanted to run after you and not let you leave.  I knew I fucked everything up,  I pulled a classic Natalie, and wanted to fix it after it was already too late.  If I say sorry...you'll forgive...somehow, I don't want you to forgive; I want you to hate me.  I can barely grasp the pain I've caused you, and in my sick mind, I want that punishment.  I need to know what I put you through so I'll never repeat my mistakes...but I know you could never do that. And I know I'd make myself miserable...but I deserve it. 

To add to my list of grievances, I'm burned again.  Yay... I work the lobster look like no other.

Tennis was outside, in the sun...really hot...even for me.  Running two miles and then playing four sets of games? Yea, that's pain.  Plus the courts were close to the aquatic center...and the smell of chlorine makes me really flippin' nausous.

The cherry on top of my sundae was really the part where I got stalked by some random people ina car.  I walked over to Mattie's house at 8, and I had been doing what I do best (sleeping in the sun) so I was in my swimsuit.  I threw on some shorts and went to her house...not even thinking that I still  had a bikini top, with no shirt over it, on.
     I get half way to her house and this black SUV pulls up beside me, and they roll down their window.  They shout something in spanish and drive off.  I keep my head down, trying to ignore them, and cross my arms over my chest.  I suddenly feel really naked and want to run back to my house. I turn around and start sprinting, but the car comes back. I slow to a walk and turn, once again, back towards Mattie's house.  They stick their faces out the window and start driving reaaalllly slowly besides me.  I try to obviously ignore them, but it doesn't work.  I open my mouth to scream 'TAKE IT ANAL!' but then I decide that it'd be best not to piss people like them off.
     They pull about three u-ies, driving slow by me everytime, and eyeing my like prey. I finally get to Mattie's house.  I thought they drove off, but they do the return...stopping in front of her house.  We run inside, banging Bay's head with the door, and I try not to flip out. Mattie's mom also gives me a quick lecture about walking around half-nude.  Yea, I know, it was slutty.  That's why I was embarrassed.

WHAT IS IT WITH THE MALE SEX THAT THINKS IT IS OKAY TO SCREAM AT A GIRL WHEN SHE'S WALKING DOWN THE STREET?!  DID YOU PEOPLE EVEN ONCE STOP TO THINK THAT WHAT YOU ARE DOING SEVERELY TRAUMATIZES A PERSON?!?!?!?! WHEN WE WERE WALKING BACK TO MY HOUSE I WAS JUMPING AT THE SOUND OF TIRES!!!!  FUCK YOU, INCENSITIVE ASSHOLE! AND YOUR GODDAMN SEXUAL PREDATOR-NESS! I swear to God, if I have one more run in with pedophiles/sexual harassers/molesters/FUCKI NG JACKASSES!, I'm going to cut my own limbs off.  Let's see them try to grope or shout at a girl with NO GODDAMN ARMS!!!!

I'm pissed off, and lonely, and cold, and I really really need to let go.

Natalie Minas

Yea...it's past 2 am...I'm bored.

So, another KoRn classic.

Off of the Life Is Peachy album.

It's horribly vulgar, and kind of gross to think about. And it's not one of his proudest moments on the lyrical quality...but the music video is cool.  Especially where they show Munky biting his body bag, or Jon Davis in girly underwear. Lol, jk about the latter. No matter how cool the vid is, the lyrics bite.  But, you can pull a Mattie and I and replace the word Sex with Socks, and Fucking with laundry.
     All day I dream about socks and laundry! (Or if you wanna pull a total mattie, say All day I dream about sex and laundry.  Hey...maybe it turns her on...to each her own. Lol, jk)

Honestly somehow it always seems
That I am dreaming of something I could never be
It doesnt bother me ´cause I will always be the pimp
That I see in all of my fantasies

I dont know your fucking name
So what? Lets......

Screwing may be the only way that I can truly be free
From my fucked up reality
So I dream and stroke it harder
Cause it´s so fun to see my face staring back at me

I dont know your fucking name
So what? Lets fuck!

All day I dream about sex
All day I dream about fucking


All day I dream about fucking
All day I dream about sex
Yes all day I dream about sex and all day I dream about sex
Yes all day I dream about sex and all day I dream about sex
Yes all day I dream about sex and all day I dream about sex
Yes all day I dream about sex

All day I dream about sex
All day I drem about fucking
All day I dream about sex
All day I dream about fucking

Mattie and I stayed up until 5 am, watching music videos and sodomizing play-doh.

I slept until 1...damn...I rule hardcore

Teenymonkee: AH! I miss you! I haven't seen you in like freaking forever!
PinkFl0yd101: Come to Oak Hills thurs.

I would if I could Furbs...but Thursday is my sis' 16th birthday...so maybe not.  Probably this weekend though.  I miss all you guys like crazy! So, who in Oak Hills wants to adopt Natalie for a few hours this weekend? Pleaaaase...*puppy eyes* Lol

I, I am confused, fighting myself
Wanting to give in, needing your help
Skin cold with fear, feel it when we touch
Outside I know you, but inside I'm fucked
Can you see it in me, skin cold from touch
Each turn confronted with what I have done
You pull me closer, I push you away
You tell me it's okay, I can't help but feel the pain
I hate you
Why are you taken?
I loved you
I feel so helpless
Why is it you?
Ripping my insides each time I lay with you
Why do I cry? Why do I really fucking need to?
^Describes me and my emotions perfectly.

Why is it always you want something you can never have?
Why did you try to tempt me?
How could you be this way?
Your throat I take grasp. Can't you feel the pain?
Then your eyes roll back.
Love racing through my veins.
Your heart stops beating. Can't you feel the pain?!?!
Black orgasms.
I kiss your lifeless skin.
Why is it always you fuck up something you've always had?
Why did you try to tempt me?
How could you be so cold?
Your throat I take grasp. CAN'T YOU FEEL THE PAIN?!
Then your eyes roll back.
Love racing through my veins. CAN'T YOU FEEL THE PAIN?!
Here I am, just a man.
Feeling pain, gives me life.
Relieving yours is my plan.
I'd do anything, just to see through your eyes. Just to see through your eyes, just to burn out your light, just to see through your eyes.
^Jon Davis' attempt at writing a love song.  I think it's sweet, except for the whole wanting to kill you part. (Half of me thinks it's cute that he loves his wife so much he wants to take her out of the world) But if I were to say that...you people would find me even stranger.

Tennis started again...Jeremy's not here.  I miss not seeing his smiling face right beside me.  Well...basically...I miss him.
     He knew how to treat a girl.  He protected me from Alex, told me I was beautiful when I cried, opened doors for me, spoke french to me...just because he knew it made me swoon.  Jeremy Ortiza, you are wonderful. You are the only guy that I see fit as being amazing.  The rest of the male population sucks.
     All I want in life is someone who looks like Gable, kicks ass like Eastwood, and acts like Bogart.  Or just Jeremy, lol.  Or a guy that knows to never hold my hand, stroked my hair, holds me when I'm cold, puts his arm around my shoulder, tells me he loves me to break an awkward silence...Basically like the guys from the 1920's.  I love them!  The current men suck hardcore...no offense guys, but you seriously suck.  You show no emotion.  I swear to God I need to be a man-trainer.  If I was, I'd so be able to make the guys get all the ladies. 

Well, atleast I have Aaron...Aaron's pretty nice :D.

I'm in a surprisingly good mood....it's better than the 'Argh, I hate myself' swing that I was in. 

And...just because I have a dorky friend...I had an hour long discussion on this topic: If a member of the opposite sex asked you to go skinny dipping, would it lead to sex?

Loser: lol, yep. I wonder how skinny dipping feels...probably just like taking a bath.
Teenymonkee: Yea, except standing.
Teenymonkee: And a big-ass bathtub
Loser: lol, or floating
Teenymonkee: Lol...would you be comfortable floating in the nude?
Loser: lol, why not?
Teenymonkee: Lol. I don't know...just be weird being completely naked in a pool...and floating, showing off the goods.
Loser: lol, to whom? It's your pool
Teenymonkee: What if someone walked in? Or what if you chose to skinny dip with another person?
Loser: lmao, if you were skinny dipping with another person, you're probably gonna have sex. And people shouldn't walk in...this is something you'd wanna make sure people wouldn't walk in on. Like...say you're home sick the with flu
Loser: no one wants to go near that
Loser: bam, naked, pool
Teenymonkee: Lol!!!!
Teenymonkee: Skinny dipping wouldn't lead to sex...not necessarily...Not if you had a chastity belt on!
Loser: lol, you wouldn't be naked, then?
Teenymonkee: Oh..good point
Teenymonkee: So remove the chastity belt and carry a tazer
Teenymonkee: That's right, tazer in a pool.  That'd work
Loser: lol
Loser: it'd work a little too well
Teenymonkee: lol
Loser: lol, so why wouldn't dual skinny dipping lead to sex?
Teenymonkee: What if you went with a member of the same sex?
Teenymonkee: besides the fact no one wants to do that
Loser: Lol, then it probably wouldn't
Loser: unless they're trying to seduce you
Teenymonkee: Lol
Teenymonkee: I'd be confident of my ability to not screw the guy if I went skinny dipping with him
Loser: lol, my point is, why would you want to be naked with a guy, in a pool of all places, and not do it?
Teenymonkee: um...to see his body?
Teenymonkee: Lol
Loser: lmao!!!
Loser: lol, so you'd get naked with a friend of the opposite sex and jump in a pool
Loser: with no intention of sex, fooling around or anything else?
Teenymonkee: Lol, I'm not ashamed of my nudity...and if I trusted the guy enough so i know he wouldn't jump me, then yea...i'd do it
Loser: lol, would you think it weird if he hugged while nude?
Teenymonkee: Lol...it better be a pure hug...with no intentions of something further than that
Loser: lol. Okay. Look, I'ma give it too you straight. Unless the guy is gay or finds you completely replusive, he probably wouldn't get naked with you in a pool
Loser: I mean, naked + girl + pool = sex
Teenymonkee: really?  That's how all guys think?
Loser: not how all think. But the majority.
Loser: But you have to admit
Loser: what would the first thing to cross your mind if a guy came up to you and said "Hey, wanna sleep naked togather"?
Teenymonkee: Lol...something that I'd feel dirty to say
Loser: Lol, exactly
Teenymonkee: But why a pool? I understand the sleeping and bed part.
Loser: Pools are wet. You are already mostly naked in one. They're really clean. You weigh less and can do more interesting stuff in one.
Teenymonkee: Lol!
Teenymonkee: Now I'm going to be all paranoid of going into a pool
Loser: lol, don't worry
Loser: like someone would. I'm just saying, watch who you get naked with.
Loser: and where

(That's not even half of the conversation...and parts were edited to keep the LOSER's identity secret. Lol, jk)

Love and I wish more guys were like Jeremy...

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;    Nat

It's 3:16 am! And guess who's not tired?! Natalie isn't! Guess who wants to kill themselves? Natalie does!!!!

But, maybe I shouldn't say that...after all...what am I except a bunch of drama, right!? I'm sorry in advance, because I know I'll make an ass out of myself...but damn, I'm hurt.

So...just to be upfront about it, I'm a crappy person.  I'm an ugly and disgusting and hideous and stupid and just a fucking wrong person. I do shitty things to good people because of some sadistic reasons.  I am a sadist. okay?! I don't hurt people to boost my self esteem, as you were so grieviously mistaken; I do it because it makes me feel worth something.  To know that I caused such intense emotions...jesus. It's a power rush. It's unfortunate that the feelings are so wrong, and so painful, but any feeling works. To know that I have the control over a person to make them feel a certain way because of my actions...it makes me feel like I can amount to something.  Like I'm not an unnoticeable person who is pushed to the shadows.
      because that's how you people make me feel.
When I make a person feel something, whether it's pain or pleasure, I get a power rush.  That's why I do it. That's why I'm not willing to change the situation.  It's killing her...it very well might literally kill her...but I won't change.

Because that is just how bad I am.  I told you I have a good and a bad side...you just never knew how bad the bad side was.

1: dont you think that sounds a little like your dad and you situation?
^^Big, fucking ouch^
1: oh shit, im sorry
Me: No
Me: I know
Me: Goddamnit
Me: I'm not angry with you because I was thinking taht
1: yea
1: Okay, last opinion i swear. If you keep this up she will kill herself. you'll feel guilty. it will seem alot like murder too
Me: I know
Me: But I'm not gonna stop
Me: I'm sadistic
1: Im sorry. i cant understand. i look up to you... alot. but i think that just changed and i need to go befor i really freak out

1:you seem to forget it all and put it behind you. at first i just thought that maby you where just forgiveing "starting a new" like everything in your tblog. but it all seems alot like the stuff preps do. drama. flat out drama. they ignor all real pain and rational thought just to live like the girls in teen movies. who come out of tuff times and are strong in the end. when realy they're just drama. they dont like themselvs. its not called body dismortifcation or w/e. its called a need for drama. and...jeses. at all makes so much more sence in my head
^^Don't ever try to suggest that I have a low-self esteem for drama.  Ever. I'd give my fucking life to change that. ^^
1: Everything you just said seemed like somthing ___ would say
1: somthing empty inside
1: with no meaning. just saying it to sound different or unique

Oh?! And I'm 'flat out drama'?! Then what the hell are you!!!??? I'm not the only one with a flare for the glamorous side!

Case 1 of how much I suck ass is shown above.  Savor the moment folks.  And, if I told you that I was empty inside...would it matter?  I've been trained to lie so well I can make you believe that I am actually interesting.  That I am actually unique. 
     Because, after all, I am a shallow shell of a human being.  No use trying to lie ...Strong people are able to pick themselves up after a blow; I can't pick myself up.  And when I am able to put myself back together, I'm knocked right back down.  I can only rebuild myself so many fucking times...after awhile, there's no more material to work with.  I've been trying for ten years....and I still can't manage to put it behind me.

One day though...Maybe I'll be re-formed

Me: You're pissed about the Star Wars
2: No. Actually. I'm alright now. But hey, it's like I say. I will forgive but I won't forget. But you know, whatever though.
Me: I shouldn't be doing this to you
2: You already did
Me: I know
Me: But I want to like kick myself in the head for being a dumbass
2: But you'll never do it cause you had a good time with him. I undertand. 'ish' to what Jon says
2: Alright. You can do whatever. Cause school is let out. Doesn't matter anymore. Er, at least that's what my brain is telling me
Me: Not what your heart is telling you though, is it?
2: Ding ding ding
2: So, Nat, I just wanna know why you did it on my birthday.
Me: I wasn't even thinking
Me: I didn't mean anything by it
2: It's hard for me to believe you that you care on this. Nat...you always have the right moments...Like doing it on the first day I got back from suspension and to my birthday
2: I shouldnt be crying on my birthday should I?
Me: Sorry. 
2: That's all you had to say...
Me: what else cna I say?
2: Nothing cause there's nothing else needed to be said
Me: I didn't go to the movies with him specifically on today to hurt you
2: It sure did seem like it when I found out

Second case of me being the biggest bitch known to humanity^^^.  And I don't know what it is about me...but I leave a path of destruction wherever I go. Someone very wise once told me that I was a vortex, and that I basically structure like a tornado; I never would've guessed in a million years she would've been right.
     I wish I could've been better. I, honest to God, did not mean for going to the movie to hurt you.  I didn't schedule it on your birthday to be a bitch...It wasn't even scheduled for today.  Just bad luck. And I wasn't thinking at all when I went there and I'm sorry.  But it doesn't matter, does it?  I could apologize for a life-time...but I'd still be an incensitive bitch, and you'd still be hyper-sensitive.

I'm a dumb person.  This isn't to be ragging on myself for the fun of it, or for the 'drama'. But, Goddamnit, I'm just plain fucking stupid.  I really am truly amazed that you people are my friends.  Like, honestly...if I wasn't myself, I'd kick the shit out of me.  I don't know what you people see in me.
    & nbsp; I really don't see fucking anything to want....GODDAMN IT PEOPLE! WHAT DO YOU SEE IN ME?!?!?!

I don't know! And this is what's pissing me off about the whole situation...I can be the worst person to walk the face of the planet, but you people still stay near me.  WHY?!  But, hey, maybe some day...I'll see it.

'It's alright...you just need someone to hold you right now. *virtual hold*'
Heh, you're a dork...too bad that's not in real life, eh?  Be careful...if you keep saying things like that, I might fall in love.  Ik houd van u...a lot...  

P.s...good luck translating that^

Love and self-loathing dissapointment,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Natalie Minas

Dude...
I am in complete freaking amazement.  Apparently, when you're sun-burned, your body gives off heat. AND GUESS WHAT PEOPLE!?

I am warm.  Naturally.

I wore a halter top and cut-offs, and I was comfortable; Even though it was 66 degrees out.  I want to like congratulate myself on having normal blood temperature...I RULE HARDCORE!!!!!!! At Summer's party, we were standing outside...AND I WAS FINE!

And in the movie theaters, I was warm! Probably because I was mooching off of Mike's body heat...But warm, I was.  Outside was like the fucking arctic.  Jesus Christ, I'm not built for whatever degree that was weather.  And you can laugh all you want Mike, but me being an icecube will have its benefits.  I'm not sure when...but it will.

By the way, if I wasn't so completely frozen and shivering, I woulda taken you down for laughing at that disabled man.

     Summer's party was flippin' awesome.  My highest score on bowling was 98...my second game was 88.  Ya, I blow at bowling..shutup.  And I'm older than Summer!  Who knew?! I thought she was turning 15, so I wrote on her card, Happy 15th!.  But! I AM OLDER! EAT IT! RESPECT YOUR ELDERS! 
     Those guys behind us at the table were desperate.  really really really desperate.

Shocker of all shockers: I saw Star Wars III.  And, yea, it sucked...like I knew it would.  The only part of it that was 'freaking awesome' (lol) was the special effects...and the fact that Yoda's got game. Serious game.
     I feel like I contradicted myself on the whole never seeing Star Wars thing, but, all in all, it wasn't too bad.  Except for the whole story-line blowing, the battle sequence jumping to serious talk thing, Hayden Christensen really sucking at acting...it wasn't that bad.  
     And I actually cried a bit when Padme died, and when Hayden christensen (what was his character name?!) got lit on FIRE!!!!!! Or when Hayden tried choking Padme...that pissed me off...

My family and friends don't trust me.  At all.  I asked my mom about going to the movies, and she was like: 'Just you and Mike?  Isn't Mattie going?  If he tries anything...*glares*  Bring mase.  Or a baseball bat.  If he asks if you want to go somewhere, say no and kick him in the huevos.'
Mattie was telling me to 'guard my cardinal treasure'.
     IT WAS A MOVIE PEOPLE! NOT LIKE I WAS PLANNING ON SCREWING THE GUY!

Aaaah...Tennis starts tomorrow.  I don't wanna be the only girl on my teaaaam *whine*.  Upside: I'm going to be ripped like Jesus by the beginning of school.  Four hours a week in the tennis bootcamp, I'm so gonna have guns.  Lol.

I just realized that this post has no order...and...to carry on with tradition...

My dad left.  Already.  And, he missed his only chance of seeing Lisa before she turns 16.  Nice parenting, Asshole.  If I had enough energy to complain and whine and seeth with anger about how much of a prick he is...I would. 
    & nbsp; But all I want to do is sleep.  This is the first time I've been seriously warm at night ever.  I was cold at like 9, but now it's really really comfortably warm...

*snooze*

Love and I feel like I'm forgetting something important,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;    Nat

I met a girl once.
She was beautiful...really...
She had the type of beauty that took a second glance. Most were blind on the first.
The ones who noticed on the first look could never convince her she was.
Heh...what a stubborn head on her shoulders...

I met a girl once.
She was wonderful...really...
Everyone noticed, and tried to tell her.
You could talk to her all day about it, she'd turn a deaf ear.
Heh...what a stubborn head on her shoulders...

I met a girl once.
She was the gem of the family...really...
Her parents never noticed and her sister never cared.
All this fighting would surely do her in, but she'd pretend it was nothing.
Heh...what a stubborn head on her shoulders...

I met a girl once.
She was breaking...really...
She called me, crying; I cried with her. Another sleepless night of fighting.
I told her to lay down, let it pass.  She wouldn't listen.
Heh...what a stubborn head on her shoulders...

I met a girl once.
She had lost it...really...
Said she'd rather die to her own screaming, instead of her family's.
She pulled her own trigger without a second thought.
Heh...what a stubborn head on her shoulders...

Let them fucking win.  It doesn't matter if they walk all over you, you'll still be alive in the end.  You have to know when to keep your head down and your mouth shut.  If they think they've beat you...they'll leave.  It's just like rape (it is rape).  Fight until you know you've lost, and then let them win.  Even if they think you're weak...you'll be alive.  I don't know how bad it is, but it sounds ugly...
     I'm going to help.

     I don't know how else to reach you before tomorrow morning, so I'm writing in this; hopefully you'll read it.  I'd call...but you know...  Come over early.  My dad will probably've left by then.  We'll set up code words, hidden weapons, lists of defenses, safe houses, bags for emergencies...just everything.  
    & nbsp;My whole goddamn family has been to 'domestic abuse counseling'...to say the least, I know how to handle this.  And I never thought therapy would actually help...

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;  Natalie

So, when a parent insists you live at their house, you think that they'd care about your presence, right?!  Apparently my dad feels that he's exempt from that rule because whenever I'm at his house, he's never there.  Some of the times he's locked in his room, most of the time he's out at the office.  So my sister and I hang here alone...it's not like I mind it; God knows it's better than listening to him.  But sometimes, a Dad would be nice.  You know, I don't even need a good dad...Just a Dad.  Part of me wants to do things to piss him off so he'd take a second glance, but it seems trivial.  I know that since I have to spend so much time here, he'll lose interest quickly. 

     I'm just gonna cut my fucking arm off.  Let's see him try and ignore that.

       When I see a falling star, I think you know what I'll be wishing for...

So, back to my main point,

Basic House Schedule in the summer:

Monday-Wednesday: Dad

Thursday: Mom

1st and 3rd Fridays-Sundays of the month: Dad

2nd and 4th Fridays-Sundays of the month: Mom.

     My dad is leaving...again...so I'm staying with my mom.  He's breaking rules, ISN'T HE?!  He had the court make those living arrangements FOR A REASON!  If he decides whether or not I'll stay with him, why can't I??!!  When I become the inconvenience, I'm booted to another house, but when he becomes the inconvenience...NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!

     Not that I'm complaining, but it's hurting to know that he doesn't want me.  I'm just tossed around from parent to parent like an object.  I might be asking too much, but I want paternal love.  I'll keep searching for whatever I did wrong...and I'm going to fucking find it.  I'll fix my mistake, and then live the rest of my life with my dad loving me. 

     Boy...heh, wild dreams, aren't they?

     I had to get up at 7 am to switch houses...and that's normal.  I just went to bed at 4, so I'm totally zombie. 

     Got over to Dad's house, saw a sticky note that said 'Don't leave house until 11'...so I don't.  Dad's not home, and I wait.  He gets back from God knows where, and talks about my tennis thing.  Apparently he thought I cared....he was mistaken.

     I leave at precisely 11:06 and don't return until 2:45.  I spend nearly 5 hours down at Starbucks and the fountains pretending to be French and reading Stephen King.  And as sad as that sounds, it's better than the house.  My sister comes with and we watch kids play in the water.  We talk about the beauty in the simplicity of toddlers running through a fountain.

     An awkward silence starts...and she breaks it by asking 'where our childhood went'.  I look at her, and reply somberly, "It was stolen".  She looks at me...expecting some other retort, and I attempt to smile.  Don't ask me those types of questions people, you'll get a bad response.  When you say something like that, your words cut deeper than any knife.

And here's the happy part of my entry:

Pretending to be French only works for so long...and after trying about four different nationalities and getting no where, you need to find something to occupy your onesy.  I chose the categoy of 'Little known facts about Natalie' for 500.

     So...just because I know you're fascinated with me...here we go.

I hate ALL blue candies.  Blue sweet tarts, blue jolley ranchers, blue pixie stix...seriously...that crap is nasty.

I can put my ankle behind my head.

Favorite food is Gummi-worms..or bears.

Have a secret passion for 80's tunes...

I like men in dresses. (Mattie, on the phone, that's what I was saying; not I have new dresses.  I just didn't want to say it a second time because my dad was like RIGHT there)

My right thumb is bigger than my left thumb

I have eight eyelashes on my right eye that are longer than every other eyelash.

The first three toes on both my feet are the same height.

I smell everything I get my hands on. (don't be pervs, people)

I never step within three feet of my bed after the lights are out.

I will never let you put your hands on my pillow.  Weird sanity reasons.

I hate sleeping with pillows...just sleep on my arms.

Have a problem with stepping on cracks in the sidewalk.

Really, really, really like sugar snap peas.

I've had my nails their natural color for only two weeks since the fourth grade.

My left eye is stronger than my right eye.

Favorite smell is unwashed human skin.  Yea, not like B.O, but like the smell of skin.  Ask Mattie about this one...it's comfortable!

And...seeing as I'm embarrassing myself the more I write...I'ma stop.  Although if you do have any more Natalie Oddities, be sure to tell me.  I could so start a Triva Game.  Damn, that'd be tight.

New Video...Thoughtless. 

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies,
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down.
I wanna see you try to take a swing at me.
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground.

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think you're doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me.
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me.

Oh, all my hate cannot be found.
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming.
So, you can try to tear me down,
Beat me to the ground,
I will see you screaming.

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies,
I'm above you smiling at you - drown, drown, drown.
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me.
And I'll pull the trigger and you're down, down, down.

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny?
What the fuck you think you're doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me.
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me.

Oh, all my hate cannot be found.
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming.
So, you can try to tear me down,
Beat me to the ground,
I will see you screaming.

All my friends are gone; they died.
(Gonna take you down!!!)
They all screamed and cried...
(Gonna take you down!!!)

I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.
I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.
(Gonna take you down!!!)
I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.
I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.
(Gonna take you down!!!)
I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.
I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.
(Gonna take you down!!!)
I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.
I'm never gonna fucking, gonna fucking back against the wall.

Oh, all my hate cannot be found.
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming.
So, you can try to tear me down,
Beat me to the ground,
I will see you screaming.

Oh, all my hate cannot be found.
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming.
So, you can try to tear me down,
Beat me to the ground,
I will see you screaming.

So It's Jon D at his whiny best...I'll probably change it soon though.  He looks way too much like a weener in this video.  (By saying this, I, in no way shape or form, say that he is less attractrive in this video...he's still as freaking hot as ever)

Yea...this is heading nowhere at the speed of light!!!!

Does mayonnaise look dirty to anyone else?!

Love and I'm not sure I want you here anymore.  Things are easier when you're gone,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;    Nat

Oh, and uh, Mattie, you want that license plate that I found after we saw The Longest Yard?  I just found it under my bed and I really don't want it.  Really.

     I like to think of myself as tolerable.  I mean, I can handle everyone's opinions to a certain point.  Usually that point isn't too far off from when their opinions started, but it's somewhere.  The one thing I can't tolerate?!

Vulgarity.

    & nbsp; Mattie and I were playing tennis down at the Westview Courts...like we do every day...and four juniors walk on to the courts.  Mattie makes eyes at me, signaling that they're hot, and I continue serving.

     Five minutes into their warm-ups, one of the guy screams FUCKING SHIT!.  I laugh it off, and continue playing.  The other one starts yelling about 'pounding anus' and I look at Mattie.  She shrugs and we continue hitting.

     Then the biggest guy starts shouting about the other guys' mom and 'last night' and I get pissed.  I feel dirty just freaking thinking about it.  Mattie hits an easy ball towards me and I aim it at the guys. 

     Tennis is a dangerous sport with me...especially when I follow-through directly into my leg.  Ask to see my left leg, I look like a beaten child.  I have so many bruises from my racket edge. I rule hardcore.

     I'm choosing to wipe the entire slate clean, Val.  Starting over...I'll be honest with you, if you do the same for me.

     Pookie's IN TEXAS!  Back to the home town, hick! Jk.  She's gone...Mattie is stuck with Bay tomorrow, and Summer's leaving sometime.  Mattie's also going to ND, and to a volleyball and basketball camp...and you know what?! I WON'T SEE MATTIE FOR A MONTH! THAT SUCKS HARDCORE! EVERYONE'S LEAVING!!!! AGH!

     I suppose I'm not better, I'm leaving on July 14th...then again on the 23rd...then again in Mid-august.

    & nbsp; But back to my original point, Pookie's gone...mattie's unavailable...My sister's never home...Gee...fun day for me. All fucking alone at the father's house.  So, uh...someone want to save me from his house?

     Because I'm a loser, I relate my life to Gone With The Wind...I was reading Scarlett, and there was this passage that struck me as too perfect for my life. 

     "Scarlett shared her umbrella with no one, nor her grief.  The gusts of wind within the rain blew stinging cold wet rivulets under the umbrella, down her neck, but she was unaware fof them.  She felt nothing, she was numbed by loss.  She would mourn later, when she could stand the pain.  She held it away from her, all pain, all feeling, all thinking. 

     ...Now they're all leaning all over each other, weeping and wailing.  Well, I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry all by myself with nobody to lean on.  I mustn't cry.  Not here.  Not yet.  If I start, I might never be able to stop..."

Damn, she's my idol.  The best I can do is push people away from me when I cry, or just try and beat the crap out of them.

It's 1:07 a.m

Happy Wednesday Morning, to you all.

My judgement is skewed at such a late time..or early...so I make bad choices.  Apparently, people are just finding out how horrible I can be when it's late. 

Like what I did tonight, bad choice.  Am I angry about it? No.  In fact, I'm kind of happy.  Yea...that's twisted.  I'm completely calm, and I'll handle all situations with calmness and sarcasm-osity.

Lisa, you're a genius.  You make more sense every time you open your mouth...thanks for being there.

And, Val, I was willing to talk. You weren't willing to listen.  It's your fault...you did it...don't get angry at me because he finally found out. 

P.S, way to be a good girlfriend!!!!  Man, I wish I was like you!

No, I wouldn't even grasp the concept of trust...but when I have friends like you, I can see why.

     Toby drinks now.  Toby smokes now.  Toby is a bad drunk...and he's a dumbass for smoking.  He came over to my dad's house, taking a drag on a cigarette, reeking of alcohol, and asked for Pookie.  I looked at him and wanted to cry.  He's only 18...and he's destroying himself.  I couldn't stand to sit there and watch him do that to himself, so I asked him to quit.  He gave me a look like he didn't know me and walked off.

     What happened to the young boy with embarrassingly rosy cheeks?  The one who used to draw with me on cardboard?  I want to be bitter towards him, but I can't...

It's not fair.

Never believe that I won't turn on you.  You're leading me on again...and I find that I like it. Yeah, I like it.  I don't need pills when I have drugs like you.  It's hurting again now.  It's killing me to be here all alone. And I don't need friends when I have foes like you.

Everyday I sink more into this groove of hating.  I've almost fallen completely...Good luck on trying to get me out.

Love and I'm re-thinking the plans, Child.  Sissy's been making an awful lot of sense lately and I'm not so sure of where I stand with you...plus, would you want someone who only 'bitches and whines and makes confessions of love' on your side?  When you un-block me...we'll talk.  But somehow, I feel that I already know the whole converstaion.  I'm sorry I said something...but hey, it's better that he knows.  Don't do dirty deeds and try to hide them in your closet.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;            N at

it's taking more self-control than you can imagine trying to stop myself from screaming at you.

    & nbsp; I am a plastic man, wish I can be the one you could be proud of.  I'm losing heart again, wish I could show you what you think I'm made of.  Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I know this pain will fade.  I am a perfect sale, just wrap me up with your bow and flowers.  I will neglect to tell, I'll sell your story that we love each other.   Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I know this pain will fade.  Why don't you let me be, and I'll pretend I'm well.  Cause you're blind to see, and I'm too tired to tell.  And in your apathy, your head begins to swell.  Another tragedy, but you're too cold to feel.

Someday I know I'll find my place, someday I know this pain will fade.

     Here she comes again, she's feeling like she's already won.  I believe it's gonna end again...all for naught.  My philosophy is things are just as wrong as they seem.  I believe it's gonna end this way; atrocity.  Do you believe in love like I believe in pain?  Nobody died for you...somebody pray for me.  When you see me cut me down, and I will force it underground.  There's no one left to hurt but me....and it's because of me, right?

I want to see you suffer.

      If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive?  Though I'm closer to wrong, I'm no further from right.  And now I'm convinced, on the inside, that something's wrong with me.  Convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me.  No, there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie.  But I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised.  And now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give.   I'm beaten down again, I belong to them.  I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them.   Beaten down again, I've failed you

     Hold me now, I need to feel relief like I never wanted anything.  I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to.  I'm so ashamed of defeat.   I can't face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror; I'm so ashamed of that thing.  I suppose I'll let it go untill I have something more to say for me.  And I'm out of reason to believe in me.  I'm out of trying to get by.  I'm so afraid of the gift you give me.  I don't belong here and I'm not well.  I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living.  Right on the wrong side of it all.  Hold me now, I need to feel complete, like I matter to the one I need

     Will I fall again into dismay?  Will I be ashamed of crying?  And I know it's never been the way that I described, but I am afraid of trying.  Never leave me, and don't deceive me.  I'll keep on crawling, my friend.  Never tease me and don't leave me here.  It's all the same in the end.  Now I find that I am weaker, fake; that I am ashamed of lying.  And I know things never feel the way that's right inside.  And I am afraid of dying.  'Cause you're the one who keeps me all excited, you keep me begging for more.  You're the one who keeps me uninvited.  Now it's over.

     These are beautiful...I have never seen such unbridled hatred and rage directed towards me.  At first, I was shocked and hurt, but now...jesus...I'm in fucking awe.  In one aspect, I've been a bitch; but in another, I've been the cause of some amazing emotion.  Damn, if I wasn't so ashamed of myself, I'd be patting myself on the back.  And I don't know if you're wondering this, but yea...you made me see the light.  I cried for five hours after I read this; I couldn't fucking stop.  I want to hate you for doing this...but that's completely out of the question.  I want to hate myself for doing this to you, and I am.  Thank you for having enough courage to tell me; I hold you in the highest respects.

    & nbsp; Credit will be given to the author, if she/he asks for it.  But otherwise, just soak this up, folks...it's stunning.   (These are the ones that hit the hardest, or I find most poetic.)

'I will forgive but I won't forget

And I hope you know you've lost my respect

Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?

Cause I'm not a pawn for you to play in your fucking game.'

'You scream when he's away

You've been gone before

I worried all the time, why worry anymore?

Now I'm going away

You wish for love

You pushed me away

Your eyes, sometimes they drown in tears

Your love was meant to last

But you were blinded with fear

And he was too stupid to stand

Now I'm going away'

'Just one of these days

You'll learn to fly

With broken wings

And I won't be there to catch you fall'

'"I don't have the balls to call and apologize to her"

That's a tired excuse that's done being used'

^But it was true...all those times....^

'If you don't care bout my feelings, then why say sorry

I don't want to care bout this

I don't need to care bout this

My heart tells me it'll kill me, make me bleed

My mind tells me to say a big fuck you to everyone,

And move on, or to try to

You're in love with him

You're in love with him

And one day, you'll be standing in my spot

With a jealousy between the one you love and the one they love

And you can't do anything about it'

'I hope you're happy and completely alone'

'Imma bang my head against the wall again

It still looks like fun'

'I guess it's gonna be the same over and over again

You wait for _______'s bus in the morning

You flirt with _______ in the morning

You flirt with _______ in the afternoon

You wait for him to walk you to Spanish class

And then ya flirt with _______ in Spanish class

And then you can't wait an hour cause you don't see him in Enhancement

Then you flirt with him the next two periods straight, in a row, not stopping for anything

He walks you out the door at the end of the day

You walk him to his bus

You secretly want to kiss him but you know that won't happen

But you long for it and badly

And then you get on your bus, thinking about him on the ride home

Then when you get home, you get online and he's there

You flirt with him on AIM

Until both of you go to sleep, you finally stop

Until tomorrow where the whole thing repeats'

'I'll rip my insides and leave them on display for you tonight

Just for tonight

So you can point and laugh with ________

Go ahead, ___, laugh'

^God, that made me cry hard.^

'EVERYWHERE I GO

EVERYTHING I SEE

I CAN'T GET YOU OFF MY MIND

I CAN'T GET YOU TWO OFF MY MIND

I CAN'T NOT JUST THINK ABOUT IT

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

EVERYTHING'S HIDING AWAY REAL GOOD

OR EVERYTHING'S SHOWING REAL BAD

I'M FORGETTING TO BE BITTER AT SOME POINTS

184 DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL'S OUT

UNTIL I LEAVE THIS FUCKING SHITTY PLACE

THIS FUCKING ASS HELL HOLE

YOU SAY THAT WE'RE JUST 13 AND NOTHING'S SERIOUS

FUCK THAT

AND FUCK EVERYTHING THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH

CAUSE I GUESS IT'S NOT SERIOUS

OR WHATEVER YOU SAY

HE DESERVES YOU

OR I GUESS YOU DESERVE HIM

YOU ESPECIALLY ARE SO FUCKING BLIND

I BET IT'S HARD TO SEE THE FUCKING TRUTH

NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR WHAT I DO,

I CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT HIM

AND I COULD SAY THAT HE CHEATED ON YOU A THOUSAND TIMES

BUT IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE

CAUSE TO YOU, NOTHING EVER WILL

AND I HATE IT WHEN I'M FUCKING YELLING LIKE THIS, WHINING

JUST KILL ME NOW WON'T YOU?

IF YOU'RE CAUSING PAIN RIGHT NOW,

OR IF I'M CAUSING THIS PAIN,

JUST FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SHOOT ME FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING NOW

I HATE IT WHEN YOU GUYS ARE AROUND EACHOTHER

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEEP ON COMING BACK TO YOU

EVERY TIME THIS FUCKING SHIT HAPPENS WITH THE FLIRTING AND ALL

I STILL COME BACK TO YOU

BUT ALL YOU DO IS PUSH AWAY

AND I DREAMT ABOUT MY FUNERAL

YEAH, YOU'D COME

BUT 10 MINUTES LATER, OH, HERE COMES ________

AND YOU FUCKING FLIRT AGAIN

AND YOU GUYS ARE LIKE MADE FOR EACHOTHER

FUCKING ASSHOLES

FUCK, TELL ME WHY I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS

WHY I HAVE TO BE THIS BITTER

WHY I ALWAYS HAVE TO YELL LIKE THIS

WHY I ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS

IF I COULD TELL YOU JUST ONE THING,

IT WOULD BE, WRITTEN BY MY BLOODY HANDS

AND WRITTEN ON MY SCARRED ARMS

"I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU."

BUT IT DOESN"T MEAN SHIT ANYWAYS

I'M ONLY 14, I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING THIS

I'M ONLY A KID, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

I'M SERIOUS BUT I'M IMMATURE

I'M NOT MATURE, I DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT LIFE

BUT I'M STILL MORE DEEPER THAN SOULS OF ANGELS

IF I COULD ONLY KILL MYSELF AT A FAST PACE

IF I COULD ONLY DO IT SO EASILY

DAY AFTER, YOU'D FLIRT WITH _______

YOU ALWAYS DO

YOU SHOULD READ THE DAMN FUCKING ROUTINE I WROTE

IT'S FUCKING TRUE TOO AND YOU KNOW IT

I WISH THERE WAS AN EASIER WAY TO GET THIS OUT

I DON'T WANT TO SHOUT

I DON'T WANT TO SCREAM

I ONLY WISH THERE WAS A WAY YOU COULD FEEL THIS SHIT

THEN, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU'D FUCKING FEEL WHAT I FEEL'

'Make me bleed again

Make me die again

Shoot me, something as worth caring for

Grab a knife and stab me

Fucking destroy me

Something worth giving a look at

Wanna shoot myself in the head

So stupid!

My wrists should've bled

They're bleeding now!

All of the things I said,

Nothing ever got to you

Nothing at fucking all!

Take me, bleed me, kill me