- 7/28, 5:40 a.m

    & nbsp; I'm going to pretend that I don't feel like biting my own legs off for being in this airport again.  i fucking hate it.
    & nbsp;  I didn't even bother sleeping; had to wake up at 3:30 anyways, and that's when I usually fall asleep. 
    & nbsp; ....It's too cold in the mornings.
LISTENING TO TBS! SUCK ON THAT SUMMER!

-1:42 p.m
    & nbsp;   I didn't have time to lose my mind on the airplane considering I fell asleep before it took off....
    & nbsp; I walked out of the airport, and it was a cool 107 degrees.  Lol.  I realize that I'm much more  of a nature girl when I'm down here; I knew all the mountain ranges and lizards and stuff.  You put me in a desert, and I can survive for a week.  Do I get a boo-yah?!
    & nbsp;  We pick up the rental car and start driving toward Camel Back mountain, where the hotel is.  Our room is aiight, nothing special....although there's a room of the hottest guys next to us. 
    & nbsp; I vote to go to the Scottsdale Fashion Plaza, so I can get my new cow boy hat...which is aodrable...and I remember all the streets.
    & nbsp;  Memories start slamming me, and I hate the fact that just a street brings up my past.  But, hey, I'm glad to be home.  I feel better here; I fit in.  I'm not freezing my tits off all the time like I do in OR.  Maybe I should come here more often...

- 7/29, 3:01 pm.
    & nbsp;  Feels nice being actually warm...it's 109, lol.
    & nbsp; I've been swimming all day, and I could cry about how bad my burned skin hurts, or I could just tell you to light yourself on fire to experience the same agony.
    & nbsp;  Hot damn...I'm scorched.
    & nbsp;  I went out to the lazy river (think of a go kart track in river form) at around 9: 45, when it was only 100.  Jumped in the water, found myself a tube and started floating along.  About 20 minutes later, I feel somebody tug on my foot.  I just kick my leg, and they pull me straight off the tube.  I flounder for a moment, and then pop out of the water to see a black guy about 6 feet tall.  I ask him what the tippin' was gor, and he laughs and untroduces himself.  His name was jordan Hunter, and he wanted to make sure I was alive.  I laugh and tell him who I am.
    & nbsp;  He jumps into a tube right next to mine, and tells me I have a beautiful name.  But likes me better as Nat.  I contemplate the irony of this; I used to be called Nat when I lived here (everyone in Buckeye still refers to me as such) and the first guy I meet determines me better as Nat.
    & nbsp;  We float down the river, with his legs hooked around mine so we don't seperate.  Jordan was born on january 5th, 1991 in Brooklyn, and has been living in Phoenix for 6 years.  He's also fucking trall.  Why are all the guys I find attractive giants?!
    & nbsp;  I tell him my life story, and we become close friends.
    & nbsp; After going around the river 3 times (it's a mile long) he ditches his tube.  A lifeguard yells at him for being tubeless, and he jumps into mine.  ....the tube was made for one person...
    & nbsp; We float around like that, him laying on his back and me across his abs (WHICH ARE NICE! MATTE, YOU"D TOTALLY LOVE THIS GUY!) and talk.
    & nbsp;  He asks if I've got a 'special someone' back in OR; I hesitate and say, 'no'.  He asks about the hesitation, and I tell him that I had a bumpy experience.  'Didn't treat you right?' he questions.  I reply with a simple, 'you could say that.'.  He pauses, lays an arm across me, and mumbles 'Dumb bastard didn't know what he had.'  I laugh and Jordan says the guy must've been blind to leave me behind.
    & nbsp; I smile and, do the girly thing, lay on his shoulder.
    & nbsp;  We go around the river for what seems like a lifetime, sometimes in tubes, most the time just splashing along.  God...he was a sweetie.  He said all the right things at exactly the right time...
    & nbsp;  It's getting around 3, and I have to leave...he opens his arms for a hug, and I ofcourse hug him.  Jordan says that he 'atleast has to get a hug before the best girl in his life leaves forever.'  I hug him tighter and tell him it's amazing he likes me so much after only6 hours. 
     He tells me it's amazing that no one else does.  Then he pulls me under the water and kisses me gently. 
     Let me take a moment to pause...and consider how WONDERFULLY AMAZING JORDAN HUNTER IS!   &nbs p;   AND HOW I WISH I LIVED IN PHOENIX TO HANG OUT WITH HIM!   Man...why am I chasing after a guy who'll never be there when there's the best guy EVER waiting for me in AZ?! 
....least I got his number.  Lol.

    & nbsp;    Got cleaned up and went to see Grandma at her old folks home.  Jesus...she was a skeleton with 40 pounds of flesh hanging on.  Everyone was around 90, and it renewed my faith in euthunasia.  Her knck les were so arthritic she can't make a fist, and her eyes were covered in cataracts.  Most the people there were suffering from severe dimentia, and talked to themselves..  My grandma said she prayed to God every night that she'd die.  Lol...ironic, no?
     There were about 12 seniors there, and most of them have no teeth.  They're blind, arthritic, can't walk, and spit up most their food.  And guess who has to help out until 9 (their bed time. ha, suckas).  Natalie does.  It was hell.  To save myself the emotional trauma of reliving that experience, I'll just leave it at 'I'm seriously killing myself before I reach 90'.

At 3 am I wake up (why bother sleeping?!) to go to the airport...yet again...

My flight is mercifully only 2 and a half hours to AZ.  And I just realized I make atleast 1 trip back to Buckeye each year

And then I say, Goodbye cold, hate-filled Oregon, and hello to wonderful Buckeye.

Woo Yah.  I packed 3 sets of clothes, 2 bathing suits, Fall out Boy CD, Taking Back Sunday CD, three KoRn CDs, CD player, make up and what-not, sun-block (and a big ass load of it), flip flops, two books, and ...er...SUNGLASSES
Yea...that's for my sanity^^^^
    & nbsp; I arrive in Phoenix (Jesus...I still remember the pattern on the airport carpet.) at around noon.  Then I go to the same hotel we stay at every year (Because it kicks ass) un-pack, and then go straight to The Cross'.
OH MY GOD! I GET TO SEE KELSEY! Kelsey Cross: Best friend from AZ.  First best friend.  Kick ass girl, who is in fact, taller than me. Lol.  her dad is pretty shweet also.  I want him to be my real dad; he's that cool.  When I was little, he called me Bug because I was always digging in the dirt, and looking for circaedas.  Last year, I saw him, and started running towards him and he picked me up in a hug and swung me around.  He said, 'I missed ya Bug...it's been too long'.  Man, that's exactly what I want.
    & nbsp;  The next day we, ofcourse, go swimming.  And watch me be near African colored when I come back because I'll be living at the pool.  Then I go to work at the Butler's farm for a day; that means Dairy farm.  I'll probably have a more enthusiastic hatred for the meat-packaging process considering I'll be on a slaughter farm.  But, hey, Kenny's cool.  And he has a HOT son.  Like...H O T.
    & nbsp;  Swimming, Debbie Carrarah.
    & nbsp;  Swimming, Grandma.  Oh Sweet Jesus....she's nearly 100, and still drinks and smokes.  And is fucking old.  You know what that means?! I have to go to the nursing home, where they'll make me work too...why!?!?! Because everyone loves Katie Wedgeworth! And that means that everyone loves her Great-granddaughter!  ; BUT I STRONGLY DISLIKE THE ELDERLY!!  This is where I get my hatred people; it's not because I'm ignorant, it's because I've really worked in the homes...and have seen the people.
It's disgusting
    & nbsp;  Swimming, shopping, any other family that wants to spend more time with us, lol.
    & nbsp; Then plane flight back home.

So basically, A Weekend in Heaven.  There'll be old friends, deserts, heat, lizards, swimming, bugs...God...It'll be like the old days.  AND! There'll be heat-lightning + thunderstorms! Thunderstorms are the most romantic thing (besides sunrises).  Damn, I'm so stoked.
(Expect another journal log of the trip)

Right...so...today....Nothing.  Lol. Except for tennis, where kids were passing out because of the heat.  It was around 110 on the courts, and we still had to run miles.  Not smart, Aaron!!!  But, becuase I kick ASS, I was fine.
    & nbsp; Although I hit a senior.  that was pretty cool. AND! There's a new senior!  What happened to the other one? *Cough* DIED *cough*
Nat: Aaron! I hit the seniors! And there's a new one?!
Aaron: Yea...don't piss him off too.  Look at them; they're brittle.  You can't hit something like that.

    & nbsp; After tennis, came home, showered, tried to go to Bethany Village but my dad wouldn't let me (ass), so I went to Lisa's house.  Then I remembered why we always come to my house...her's is...well...rocky...
We watch KoRn, and then she has to leave.

And my dad drops us off at my ma's.  Fun...not.

New Vid: Did My Time, by KoRn...off the Take A Look in the Mirror album. 

Realized I can never win
Sometimes I feel like I have failed
Inside where do I begin
My mind is laughing at me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never tame
This thing that's burning in me

I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me

Sometimes I can never tell
If I've got something after me
That's why I just beg and plead
For this curse to leave me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never tame
This thing that's burning in me

I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me

Betrayed
I feel so enslaved
I really Tried
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time
I did my time

I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel alive full of pain
I feel the anger changing me

O god the angers changing me
O god the angers changing me

Btw, CHECK OUT JON DAVIS' FINGERS! They bend all creepy like! And him screaming when he says 'I did my TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIME' is so attractive I nearly wet myself...yea..

6 hours until I go to Heaven.  I seriously need to be there; it's like Scarlett and Tara (sorry for the dorky reference).  She needs Tara to make her strong again...and I need my Buckeye.

Love and Thunderstorms,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  Nat

SEE YOU ALL IN AUGUST

Waking up at an obscenely early time because of the sun shining directly into your eyes? 
Priceless.

Woke up fucked off the liquor I drunk.  It's the fine shit, that I ain't used to buying.  *takes break for eminem solo*

Anyways, woke up, showered, tried to contain curly mass of hair, and watched Blade Trinity about 43 times.  I love that movie...I'm so going to be Blade when I grow up.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; 'No, it's not funny.  You (C word for Rooster)-juggling thunger-cu**!!!!'

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   'See, when you join the Nightstalkers, you get all these groovy little door prizes.  And one of them is a tracking node implanted somewhere in your body....
    & nbsp; So where is your node, King?
    & nbsp; ....It's in my left ass cheek
*SLAP*
    & nbsp; Alright, It's in my right ass cheek
*SLAP HARD*
    & nbsp; OKAY! Seriously.  It's in the meat of my butt, right below the Hello Kitty tattoo'

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; 'I can only tell you two things.  1)That hairdo....ridiculous.  2)I ate a lot of garlic. And I just farted. Silent but deadly!!!'

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; 'Blade's new weapon...it's...A sugar crystal formula that has twice the chocolatey goodness and half the calories'

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; 'go fuck your sister'

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  'I uh...I'm sorry. I'm really hyper.  I er...I...I had coco puffs for breakfast...'

So at 11, I throw on my swimsuit, white-shirt (which I am later made fun of by Erick and Mike for the itty-bittyness of it) and shorts that I find out were from a LONG time ago.  Long, meaning that if I were to jump up and down, they'd fall straight off my ass.
    & nbsp;  I tell my dad that I want to go to James' house, and ofcourse he agrees...It's James.  First I tell him to stop by my mom's house, where I pick up the first four waterguns I find, and run out the door.  We drop by Lisa's house to give James the gift (WHICH HE LOVES!...Erick laughed at it though...And they also thought the pony was a dog.  It's okay, he still liked it. Lol) I knock on the door, hear several people screaming,and some guy looks through the window and leave.  I stand there, wondering if that's it, and then Lisa opens the door. I HAVE MISSED YOU! And right behind her is some small person who's pants were falling off. Nice. I say a few pleasantries, and then have to haul my ass back to the car because my dad is already getting fidgety.
    & nbsp;  I try to talk, and get him less antsy, and succeed in taking his upset level down a notch.  He pulls up to James' house, and then leaves.  Yea...thanks for not saying good bye or telling me to call (again).  I knock on James' door.  Wait. Knock. Wait.  Finally make up my mind that he's officially not home, and drop my water guns at his front door.
    & nbsp;  I go sit on the curb for a minute, thinking I'll wait until he gets home, but quickly lose patience.  I contemplate on walking back home...but then think about the choices. Waiting in Oak Hills, or staying home.  I sit down yet again and wait five minutes.  Seeing as nobody but creepy people are passing me, I walk around to Val's house and knock on her door.  I hope she or Andy are home so I can fix a most embarrassing situation, but her Aunt Kim answers.  I explain my predicament, and she lets me use her phone to call my house.  I get my sister and tell her to tell Dad when he gets home to come pick me up back at James' house.  I sit at their table for a couple of minutes, talking with Val's mom and aunt, as if this isn't the weirdest thing.  They're actually really cool people.  I have to cut our palavar short, in fear of my dad comign to James' house and me not being there...
    & nbsp;  Run back around to James' and sit in their driveway.  I sit, and sit and sit and sit.  After about 20 minutes, my dad comes driving up...not looking happy.  I cringe and start giving myself an emotional pep-talk to get me through it.  He doesn't say anything and we drive off.  I spot James and Erick out the front window, and tell my dad that's them.  He slows down and I jump out, holding four water guns and looking like a Pansy Rambo.
    & nbsp;  I'm introduced to Erick, realize what wonderful teeth he has, and we walk back to James'.  I see Luke (who is quite possibly THE ugliest dog) and start to wrestle with him.  He cuts up my hands with his MASSIVE CLAWS! THEY COULD RIP A TANK APART! Jk, he just gnaws on my hands and gives them a few scratches.  Luke, who I start calling Cool hand Luke, also likes to bite at my crotch.  Friskey, eh?  James listens to the CD, which I fall in love with, and Erick searches his kitchen for food.  James calls Mike, find out the lazy bastard is still asleep, and we head to the garage to have an intense game of ping pong.
    & nbsp; James is a loser.
    & nbsp; Erick is good at pingpong.
    & nbsp; Then the Two Wonder Boys lay down on the garage floor, and James finds this Hoochiemama top.  I put it on, and see that it's backless and pretty much Skank-tastic.  I take it off, James puts it on (dissstttuuurrrbbbbing sight, and hits Erick's ass with a padel.  Woaah.  Kinda weird)
    & nbsp; James takes the shirt off, which happens to be a bright, shiny, orange, spandex and throws it to me.  I tell the guys to turn around and entertain themselves whilst I change, and take off my white tank top.  ( I still have my bikini on people, shut up)  I put it on...and realize that if I bend over, the top falls off.  They engage in more ping pong wars, and I stand around, looking like a ho.  We all laugh at how whore-riffic the top is and James' brother walks in.  I try to be casual, and not let him see that I have a top that is way too tight and doesn't stay on...plus has NO BACK!  He keeps walking in, and I still try to hide how bad the top is.
    & nbsp;  We get bored of waiting for Mike to get his lazy ass up, so we start walking towards his house.  James tells me that I need to put the top on at his house, so he'll see it, and Erick starts laughing.  We're pretty far along the Green Belt when we hear Mike call from behind us.  I take the top and run behind a tree to change.  Mike probably thinks I'm insane, and James and Erick are talking to him.
    & nbsp;  I jump out from behind the tree, and Mike hates the top.  Ah, come on, it's a stripper top, you oughtta like it!

    & nbsp; We walk to Mike's house to commence the Water War of '05. 

Mike and james get the huge guns, and Erick and I are stuck with the dinky ones.  I immediately become a good target, and continue to be thoroughly soaked.  To wreak revenge on Mike for shooting me so many times, I bear hug him from behind and get him soppin; he just grabs my hand with the gun in it and starts using my weapon as his own.  I wring out my shirt a couple of times, but it always gets wet.  Exchanging a small gun for a big gun worked...kinda....I just basically sucked.
    & nbsp;  We run around for 15 minutes, and we're all pretty wet. Except Erick.  I run up and give him a big hug, getting him satisfactorily soaked with the water from my shirt.  Erick's a pretty shweet guy.  Lol, I had a hair stuck to my eyelash, and he pushe dit off.  And anybody who knows me knows that makes me weak in the knees.

    & nbsp;   Decide to head to the pool, and then get that whole wave of self-consciousness.  I try to hide my body as I strip down to my swimsuit and then jump in the pool.  COLD.  The guys pick up a game of tossing Erick around, and decide to try me.  I attempted to tell them how BAD it is throwing a chick around in a swimsuit that seriously does not stay on.  Mike trips me underwater (yea, I have that bad of balance) and picks me up bridal style.  He passes me to James, and then BAM! There goes my bikini strap.  I slap James, tell him to put me down, and go to the side of the pool to fix my top.  (Might I add that Erick offered to tie it?  Aww) 
    & nbsp;   Top crisis becomes under control, and we make this huge pile of people.  Someone is kind of groping me, but can't tell who....ah well, I slap everyone. Lol.   Mike carries me bridal style, and James carries Erick  the same way; they attempt a pass.  It just ends up erick and I are kind of hugging/squishing each other.    & nbsp;  
    & nbsp;  James spots Jared Holmesly, and we all watch like idiots as he walks in.  Mike tries to pick me up,  and ends up just holding me while we watch Jared....Why we were all watching him?  I have no idea.
    & nbsp;   Erick gets violated and raped some more, and then Adult swim comes...out the pool we are.

James has to leave, so I tell him goodbye, and he says TO TELL LISA THANKS FOR THE CD!!!!!!!!!!!
Erick and Mike take off their shirts to let them dry in the sun, and I figure why not.  I throw my shirt off and lay on the warm pavement, until it burns my already sun-killed skin.  I stand up and start mosing around, Mike lays down in the shade, and erick and I talk. 
    & nbsp;  Erick then has to leave for baseball, so we walk to his house, whipping each other with shirts.  I part ways with him, and he tells me he'll 'see me in highschool'.  Cool, I so made a friend. Lol.

Mike and I walk back to his house, and I realize that we're both walking topless (well, except for my bikini...so...basically topless)  I think about putting a shirt on, but don't want to.  Why? I don't care.  Somehow I wasn't as self-conscious around Mike as I was the other people.  Vair vair weird.
    & nbsp;  We get to his house, and go up in his room, where it is a pleasant temperature.  Lol, Mike (who I'm now re-christening The Bitch, cuz he can't take the heat) flops on his bed.   The Bitch rolls around, talking about how hot it is (PANSY! IN FOUR DAYS I'M GONNA BE WALKING IN 115 DEGREE WEATHER! SUCK ON THAT!) I find his fan, and he turns it on...I lay on his bed, and proceed to make wet marks with my swimsuit. 
    & nbsp;  My left boob is smaller than my right one.  I'm not sure why...but it is.  I'm LOP-SIDED!  The wet mark I left on his bed was distinctly bigger on the right side.
    & nbsp;   we both lay down...I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that I'm half nude...and he gives me a necklace from Alaska.
    & nbsp;  AWWWWWWW! What a sweetie! It's a silver eagle with some type of purple stone in it.  It's vair vair pretty, and uber shiny.
    & nbsp;   Do what we always do in The Bitch's room: Talk.  It reaches 4 pm, and I call my dad and tell him to pick me up.    We head to the rec center, and The Bitch drinks from the water guns.  I say goodbye before my dad comes (haha, later we find out...) and he hugs me.  I'm pretty sure my moistness rubbed off on him, but whatever.  I start worrying about my wet bathing suit top, and he jokingly puts a hand on my chest to judge that they are wet...yet the same size.

Oh, this is beautiful...My dad saw all of this.  He also saw me stand up behind The Bitch, and then jump backwards with my hands on his shoulders.  Now, my dad can't see the Bitch, so this look very, very wrong.  I was about to say that I regretted not acting on my feelings, but seeing as my dad was RIGHT THERE, I'm glad I didn't.
    & nbsp;  I see his car, start to panick, and then gather the water guns.  My hands are shaking because I know this one will be worse, and I'm thankful the Bitch didn't see them.   I hope my eyes aren't giving away the fact that I'm scared out of my mind, and I quickly leave him.
    & nbsp; I get in the car, and my dad is silent for a bit.  Then he asks, rather roughly, that if there's 'something going on between me and that man'.   I try to explain, but he cuts me off in mid-sentence.  I start another one, but he just says that 'He's not that stupid...he can put two and two together.'  He 'can't believe I'd do this to him' and when I try to reason with him, he says 'I don't want to hear your lie.  Just, shut up.'

    & nbsp; The tears start to swell in my eyes, but I start the lip chewing and all is under-control.  For the rest of the very silent car ride home, I look at my scratched hands and try to think of something besides the sound of my heart being pulverized.
    & nbsp; He hasn't spoken to me since.  I doubt he will speak to me ever again.

Aren't I fucking stupid?  Aren't I just so unbelievably GODDAMN RETARDED?!?!?!?!  What could look worse?!  I don't know, maybe if I was fully naked! And, boy, would THAT SET HIM OFF!    I can't even believe myself.  I ALWAYS FUCKING DO THIS. 

Whatever. This doesn't matter. THis whole shitty situation of him ignoring and NOT HEARING THAT I'M FINE AND STILL A VIRGIN doesn't matter.  Fuck him.  I don't need him

so then why am I crying?

Something's got to be wrong with me.
I mean, how can there not be?

It's after 2 a.m....and if I stay awake ONE MORE GODDAMN HOUR it will be 24 hours I've stayed up.
THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.
I'm not on the Chinese Time-zone, and I haven't had a fucking ounce of caffeine today.  Not even a damn soda.  Usually I down a couple of coffees, and I sleep pseudo-normally (for me)
WHAT DID I DO WRONG TODAY?!

As a matter of fact, what did I do wrong?  Someone who controls the world must have this fucking revenge planned against me.  Oh, I know!  This girl deserves to LOSE HER SHITTY MIND BY NOT LETTING HER FUCKING SLEEP AT ALL BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON!
    & nbsp; Is that it?!  Have I done something so fucking terribly wrong to make the controller of the universe torture me?!?! 

And, you may laugh and say, 'It's only 2 am, you're fine, you've stayed up through worse.'  But it's not fucking fine.  I hate this.   I wouldn't be surprised if I'm crying right now but I CAN'T FEEL MY GODDAMN SKIN.  You think having burns all over your body would render your nerves useful...BUT NO.  It has to be so fucking cold in this house that my face is numb. 
I'm cold
I'm sunburned so badly I'm seriously contemplating living as a nudist to avoid the pain of clothes
I'm STILL FUCKING AWAKE
I'm worried
I'm bitter as hell, and will continue to be bitter until someone rights this situation
I'm alone
I'm hungry, but my guilt of making cupcakes is stopping me from eating anything
(haha, yea, sick isn't it?! It's all startin' to feel a little too friendly behaving like this.)
(But, look at it this way, Not eating = Lots of sleeping)

I tried reading, finished the motherfucking book in 2 hours.  I'm too afraid of my stairs to go down and watch a movie.  I want Mattie here to talk to...I want ANYONE HERE TO TALK TO

And, after feeling a disturbing amount of warm liquid in my mouth and seeing what appears to be tricklet of blood fall down on my keyboard, I realize that I, ONCE AGAIN, HAVE PICKED UP THE DUMB FUCKING HABIT OF BITING MY GODDAMN LIP!

IS THIS WHAT GOD HAS IN STORE FOR ME?! IS THIS HOW HE WANTS ME TO LIVE?!?!?!  A petrified excuse of a girl who's too afraid to open her door in the dark, and who becomes so stressed she'll throw up, and bites her lip just because she know she'll bleed to keep her alive, and considers the possibility of starving for sleep?  is THAT what he wants for me?
    & nbsp;   Call me a quitter for losing faith in myself....but seeing as the material I have to work with is broken, I don't really see what else I can do.  I wish you could save me, but you're too forgetful to remember, too blind to see, and too incensitive to care.


I want to do something to stop myself, but even if I do...i'll still have THE REST OF THE GODDAMN EARLY MORNING TO RESTART IT!

I want to render myself unconscious so I'll atleast be able to keep my eyes closed without being afraid.  I want to lace my lips with poison so I'll die the next time I bite them. I want to take so many sedatives I sleep solidly for 10 hours.  I want someone to touch me so they feel how goddamn sunburned I am.  I want someone to hold me so they know I'm shaking.

I really want out of this ENDLESS CYCLE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP!!!! I'll sleep one night, and then painfully pay the price the next; it's like I have a fucking set number of hours to sleep in a week.  I'm pretty sure I would kill the Pope to be able to sleep one night without a terror...or to just sleep one night.

And, I have just found out that I will never have kids.  No way in hell I 'm passing this on to them.  Although I'm sure this would be the smallest of their problems, considering my outstanding genes.

Love and swollen lips,
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;        Natalie minas

Woke up today.  At 3.  Yea, jetlag totally fucking sucks.  I get tired during the day, and wake up at night.  This blows.  Anyways, Woke up, showered, went to Dad's house.

I swear to God I'ma choke that man.  He is so stupid, and I'm not kidding.  He is just so AGGRAVATINGLY SLOW AND DUMB AND BORDERING ON MENTALLY DERANGED!  I tried explaing my trip to China (Because the bastard didn't want to talk to me while I was actually there) but I was so quickly fed up that I just shut my door. 

Went to get Chris to see War Of The Worlds.  I slept through a little bit of it...but Century theatres ROCKS MY SOCKS!  Lol, I love that place!  The seats have the foldy-back arms, and the floor is really big; it's like they're encouraging teen pregnancy in their theaters.  I realized how badly disturbed I am with the scenes of Tom Cruise dealing with Robby (who, btw, is H-O-T)  I turned my head away, but couldn't stop thinking about my dad.
    & nbsp;  After movie, we mull around the Cedar Hills mall thing, and get stalked by some random guy in front of best Buy.

We come back to chill at my crib, and then I change into swimsuit top + halter top and walk down to QFC.  Yea, that's where I went wrong...with the whole bikini thing.  I was planning to walk through the fountains, and I did!  It was nice, just really effin' cold.  But what wasn't so cool was when my loser friends *Cough* CHRIS AND POOKIE* cough*  (jk) decide to pull my halter top string.  I'm walking through a parking lot, with as many people as possible outside looking at us because we're loud, and my halter top comes down.  I just laugh and try to fix the straps, I was wearing a bikini underneath...so nobody saw anything.  Then Pookie undoes my bikini strap.  I thought it was my halter top strap, so I pull it down to be able to tie it.
    & nbsp;    Yea...I flashed about 50 people....Lol, I'm the new Janet jackson!!!!  That was possibly the single most embarrassing moment in my life.  But hey, wearing a whore's swimsuit comes with consequences.

We come back to my house, watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (MOVIE KICKED ASS!) and then eat.  My dad asked what i wanted for dinner about 30 times..no joke.  I seriously want to choke him so he will not be able to absorb more oxygen that will only BE USED TO MAKE HIM MORE STUPID!
    & nbsp;    Walk down to blackpath, play on the swingset stuff, and get some asshole chick making rude comments about me.

WELL FUCK YOU TOO!  If you're going to say something mean about someone, make sure they don't over hear the part that's like 'The girl in the yellow top?'  Goddamn people.

Lisa has to go home, so Chris and I chill.  I find out something that makes me thing You are an even bigger asshole and hope you burn in hell.  But, whatever, I knew you were bad.  Just not that bad.

I'm awake. It's 1:08 a.m.  Fuck this. 

Love and fallen bikini tops,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   Natnat

K, so, the other entry was getting too full, so the rest of my trip is in this one. 

-7/19,  8:25 p.m
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Anyone who has spent five minutes in a room with me will be able to tell you how violently opposed to the slaughtering / meat-packing industry I am.  And because of my beliefs, I avoid meat like rape.  In fact, I eat meat about once every month and a half...maybe less; that's how strongly I feel about it.  I'm willing to sacrifice my health (heh...I'm so badly anemic I'm on iron pills...) to not eat meat.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; So, imagine how horrified I was to find A PIG'S FOOT IN MY SOUP.  I've always heard stories about finding a fish head with the eyes still in it, and I know that this culture sees nothing wrong with that, BUT A PIG'S FOOT?!
    & nbsp;  I struck the hoof with my chopsticks, and pulled it out of the bowl.  I took one look at it and ran to the bathroom...where I became violently ill.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   MY GOD! THERE WAS A FUCKING FOOT IN MY SOUP! I'VE HAD NIGHTMARES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT!!!!!!
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  *shudder*

Off the topic of Pig's feet.....I went to the Ming Tombs and the Summer Palace today.  Lol, I kept thinking of Summer.  You have your own Palace, girl!  We, once again, had the driver who believed traffic lights are for losers....I had nearly wet myself because we came so close to getting hit.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  The Ming Tombs were built a couple hundred years ago and are 1.5 miles underground.  The Summer Palace was HUGE and built in 1720.  All of it was amazing stuff.  How did they get that far underground so many years ago?!  
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Jesus....I think I'm about to throw up again...

-9:45 pm
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Under the pale moonlight you were holding me like someone broken.  And I couldn't tell you, but I'm telling you now.  Just let me hold you while you're falling apart, just let me hold you so we both fall down.  Fall on me, tell me everything you want me to be.  Forever with you forever in me.  We would stand in the wind, we were free like water flowing down under the warmth of the sun.  Now it's cold and we're scared, and we've both been shaken.  Look at us, man, this doesn't need to be the end.  Call on me, I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me.  Forever it's you.  You may need me there to carry all your weight; but you're no burden I assure.  You tide me over with a warmth I'll not forget.  But I can only give you love.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;    Woah, this song makes me miss Oregon.  Or, if I wasn't so petrified to say so...    Ya know, the whole Rob Thomas album makes me miss those days.  Pain is the only sensation your body can't remember, but I seem to be able to recall every agony clearly.  I'm laying in a dark room, thinking over the year, wanting to give my life to be back in Mr. Dizzle's room.  (I wonder how Doyle is doing...he would have flipped for The Wall).  Jus, God, I don't want to let go.  And every second I recall, every memory I turn over in my head, it hurts worse.  You told me once that you promised to see me once a day in highschool.  Newsflash: You won't.  It's too big, too busy...you'll meet another girl who will fit exactly into my space.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; and you'll forget me....like You've already done before.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Hey, that's okay, because I'll probably do the same to you.  Not.
    & nbsp;    My favorite calss of 8th grade was Spanish.  Nerve-wrecking Theme Park Presentations, always failing my calentamientos, asking James for help on everything, watching Summer pelt Miss murphy in the face with El Gato, having people spit on me while I slept after our testing (which I got a THREE on).  Man, it's gonna make me cry thinking about that...

-7/20,   4:00 p.m
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I just realized that I get back in Oregon at 8:30 a.m, my plane leaves Beijing at 9 a.m.  I arrive in the US thirty minutes bfore I leace China.  Trippy.  Went to the Silk Market today, got Mattier her Louis Vuitton purse.  Also got Lisa an Asian Coin Pursey thing.  Lisa: Tell me when you're awake so I can get the 'Goods' to transfer to 'Him' and so I can give you your present.

Also found Summer's necklace in my pants.  Weird...I coulda sworn I left that in my jewelry box.  it's a sign, no?

    & nbsp;   I haven't watched Deuce in 6 days.  I'm having withdrawal problems, lol.  I haven't shut up about KoRn, and my sis even slapped me straight across the forhead to get me to shut up.  I also haven't had coffee; I'm compensating that in tea though.  I really am gonna kill myself with the amount of caffeine I drink each day.  Ah well, I'll build up tolerance.
    & nbsp;    The Dark Tower 7 book is making me cry...I'm pathetic, huh? 
Hmm...time to swim...

-7/21    3:27 a.m
    & nbsp;    I think I should save the world a problem and jam some chopsticks through my eyes until I skewer my brain.  It's around 3:30 a.m, and I just woke up screaming.  And to make the situation better, I was staring down the double barrel of a shot gun.  This is where I get all embarassed and self-conscious for talking about a night terror...so I'll skip the whole story.  All I say is that, waking up with your eyes in a shot gun, is NOT PLEASANT.  Isn't it peachy though?!?! I wake up to some horrific scene of violence and NO ONE WAS EVEN IN THE ROOM!  My mind seriously blows.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; That's why I'm all nervous to fall asleep around people other than Mattie and Lisa.  I don't want them thinking I'm a freak for screaming at something that isn't even real.
    & nbsp;   Right....k....now it's dark, cold, and lonely.  I'm too scared to fall back asleep, and I want a hug *whimper*

-5:51 a.m
    & nbsp;    Had moments of fitful sleeep.  Still cold. Still rather lonely; my mom and sis are asleep.  CURSES.

Have you ever noticed that eating a peach is very similair to eating flesh?  Think about it, you have the thick, water-resistant skin on a peach, and the juicy meat of the fruit contained below.  Biting into it, your teeth first puncture the skin, and then gouge out the peach while juice flows into your mouth.  Now imagine eating a human bicep.  First your teeth pierce the flesh, then tear free bits of the bloody muscle.  Same sounds, feelings, and everything.
    & nbsp;   Damn. I should write a booke about it.
Well, now I'm vair vair awake. And vair vair hungry. 

-7:48 p.m
    & nbsp;  I just ate some seafood rice dish thingy.  I suppose it was okay, once you got past the fact that it looked like maggots in a bowl.
    & nbsp;  Spent most of today in the extremely hot, muggy, and horribly polluted air.  Also packed up all of y stuff for tomorrow, (which, btw, requires me to wake up at 5:30 a.m.  Shouldn't be that hard, I don't sleep anyways)
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I was gonna record this whole monstrosity as the 'Beijing Diary', but 'Diary of a White Girl' is more fitting.  That's all I am over here:  A white chick.  A freaking oddity. 
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; But, hey, it was an eye opening experience, even if I was on the end of some racist remarks/pedophiles.
    & nbsp;   I AM SO READY TO COME BACK HOME!

-7/22   &n bsp; 8:12 a.m
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp; Just boarded one of the humongo airplanes.  And guess what?! I'm in row 12 again! How quaint...
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Customs in China are hell.  I had to fill about 6 departure cards and my Visa was checked five times.  Jesus H. Christ.  Lol, when I was going through border control (which took about 2 hours, no joke) there was the single most attractive man alive behind me.  He was from London (accent), wore the really hot pants, had short brown hair, and clear blue eyes.  He had arms like no other mother, too.  I was practically salivating when he asked me what the line I was standing in was for.
I hope he's on this plane...
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Haha, I got patted down and wanded goung through security (which the airport makes you do two times).  I left Mike's necklace and Mattie's ring on, it set off the sensors.  It's rather uncomfortable being felt up by a five foot Chinese lady.
    & nbsp;    *yawn* I'm going to listen to TBS, think about how angry I could've possibley made You, and ponder on how I should ask for forgiveness this time.

-11:36 a.m
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; 'The kids say what's your problem, girl?  And the weight of their smile gets too much for you to bear.  They all make you feel like you're a problem, girl.  But remember, you're no problem to me...'
    & nbsp;  Oh. Mah. Gawd.  Besides several Gone With The Wind quotes, something Chris has said, and some things someone else said, that is possible the sweetest thing I've heard.  Say that and watch me be reduced to a giant puddle of _____-loving Natalie.  (Hint: ____ = whoever says it. Duh)

-11:59 a.m
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I've established the formula that makes me attracted to guys.  I'm not meaning physically attracted (but emo, or goth guys are pretty fine).  But emotionall.  Guys like Jon Davis, or Gerard Way....ones that show emotion.  That's why, in some twisted way, I find massochism attractive.  I'm not encouraging cutting, or saying that if you're a massochist I think you're dead sexy....just, showing that they have emotions. Or that they care.  Just like if I screw up, you'll get uncontrollably angry with me.
    & nbsp;    But then my better sense of judgement is telling me that if I'm attracted to men who have short tempers, I'm bound to get myself in a domestic abuse situation.
....I get really weird on airplanes...

-2:15 p.m
    & nbsp;  Alright, time-zones are fucked up, so this is japanese time; I'm not gonna bother with Beijing time anymore. 
    & nbsp;    I have an hour lay-over in Narita, and then I make the joyous 18 hour flight to Portland.
    & nbsp;    Has anybody ever noticed how amazingly attractive German sounds when Till sings in Los or Stein Um Stein?  If I had his vocal chords, I'd talk to myself...just because I'd sound so dang hot.
    & nbsp;    Word...plane boarding time...

-3:30 p.m....in China time.  Yea, I'm switching all over the time-zones, but I doubt people have even read this fat.  After all, this diary took up 30 pages in my notebook.  If you have read this far, tell me...I'll give you a prize?
    & nbsp;    Back to POint->  I just finished the 7th Dark Tower book...and there aren't any more after it.  I feel empty, kinda.  Lol, I've been reading this series since the third grade. And now it's over.
    & nbsp;   PLus, the ending blew old men.  No joke, nearly made me scream it sucked so bad. IDHEHTNDDHGEEO!WSAAAG!!!! !
    & nbsp;   All of the main characters die! How shitty is that?! Except Roland, who's attractive in the way I like; the I-could-kill-you-if-you-s crewed-up way.
     Yea...starting to sound like I have the hots for manic depressives/abusers again.  it's these god-forsaken AIRPLANES.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Back to listening to Till and his uber-sexy voice.

-er...I have no fucking clue.  The sun is rising though. 
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  We're flying over the Oshtoshk sea...I think.. and the horizon is dotted with sprays of fiery red and orange.  Watching sunrises on land is second best to hugging Jon Davis (aka, It's almost heaven for me).  A lot of people think sunsets are romantic, but a sunrise has that beat by a mile. 
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   Listening to My Gift To You (KoRn Love song) and watching the sun from 5,000 feet in the air.  Wherever the hell I am, it's pretty much heaven.  I'm not sure it could get better...

-8:07 p.m, China time.  I just found my China watch, so yea.
    & nbsp;  It's actually 4:07 a.m, wherever I am.  But my watch says 8.  Jesus, I'm gonna have jet-lag so fucking badly.
    & nbsp;  I think I'm over Alaska, maybe.  I've seen the sun rise 5 times.  it's amazing.  You see it rise, fly past it, and sit in darkness.  Then 20 minutes later, the sun rises again.  I said that it 'couldn't get better' but that's a lie.  Lol, My ass is an ice cube, and I haven't hugged a single person since Mattie.  it's weird to think about, but I haven't.  Not even my family...they don't hug me. 
    & nbsp;  The first person I see I'm hugging, and not letting go.

-7:59 a.m (OREGON TIME!)
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Sweet Jesus, we're about to land. ANd it has never felt so good to be home.

-8:42 a.m
    & nbsp;  I lied. It's fucking raining here. I hate Oregon.

So there you have it folks.  it's like 9:46 p.m right now, and I haven't slept in about 47 hours.  I've had 2 grande caramel light frappuccino's with double shots of espresso.  That means I've had a full two cups of espresso. Jesus.  And I can't sleep because I'm so fucking wired! And this goddamn jet lag is making me think it's like 1 in the afternoon! So I want to go outside! BUT NO!
     TIME-ZONE'S SUCK!

Yea, so, now I'm sitting awake...alone...once again. it's amazing how some things never change no matter where you are on the globe.

Over all, Beijing was amazing.  Except for the pollution, creepy old guy hinting I'm a whore, plane rides and Pig foot thing...it rocked.

I

LOVE

YOU

Natalie.  Damn, I'm all happy to be back here :-D

Hey hey, my darlings.

Natalie is back in the States and ready for action!  This is the 30 page epic of my times in China, have fun reading. Oh, and if I mess a couple things up( like typos)...fuck you, this is long, I have jet-lag so bad I can't see straight, and I'm on enough caffeine to lkill a horse.

-7/14   2:06 p.m

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   We just boarded the plane, which happens to be a BIG ASS airplane.  I’m in the window seat of row 12 out of 52 rows.  And you know what’s sad?  I remember all of the speech that they give about safety, and I knew what type of aircraft I was going into just by looking at it.  (It’s an A330, btw).

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   God damn how much I traveled in my past…Being in PDX reminded me of when I was a little girl.  Heh, brought back some difficult memories.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   The lady (flight attendant; although I called her a stewardess just to piss her off) is starting the whole explanation.  And I’m mimicking it back.  EAT IT, BITCH! I KNOW IT BETTER THAN YOU!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   So, we fly to the Narita airport in Japan, and then to Beijing.  All in all, I’m spending over 20 hours on a plane.  JESUS H. CHRIST! My ass will be hurting.  

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   Like a true homie, Mattie’s last words to me were ‘WEST SIDE’.  Aww…I miss my Mat-tat-ie.  Lol, even if you hate me calling you that.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   We’re about to take off…I’ll write again once we reach Narita.

-5:35 p.m

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Well, I just ate ( or atleast attempted to eat) some type of food that looked and tasted like dog food....appetizing, really....

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   I said I'd wrtie when we arrived in Tokyo, but that plan quickly failed.  I watched Miss Congeniality 2 on the TV that's planted in the seat in front of me, and played Pac-Man until my brain officially died.  I want to sleep, but that would involve me stopping all movement.  And I'm already FREEZING MY TITS OFF!!! After only 3 hours.    Airplanes are too fucking cold!
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  I'ma go listen to KoRn (haha, go figure) and play more Pac-Man. WU TANG

-9:10 p.m

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  My rear end is still firmly planted in this chair. Shit, my hands are numb, too.  I tried sleeping...that failed....Pac-Man got old, and I've already listened to all KoRn albums.  Seriously, I'ma cry I'm so bored.

-11:23 p.m

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Right, so, I can't fucking sleep.  This sucks.  If I play one more game of Solitaire ( that's right LIsa, I learned how to play), I'm going to kill myself.  I've watched the movie, and I've listened to my CD's. ARGH! We have only an hour left until we arrive in Narito...I'm seriously losing my mind on this flight. 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   Ah, well, I'm going to curl up in a ball to retain whatever body heat I might possess and listen to Rammstein.

-1:35 a.m, or 5:35 p.m in Tokyo.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Japan kicks ass.  I'd write more and tell you about the amazing modern art and bright colored clothes, but that would require effort and energy...things I have none of.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  So! Once again! I'm on a PLANE, that will take me to Beijing (four hour flight).  The time zones are starting to mess with my head.  I want to sleep, since it's like 1:30 a.m, but can't since it's light outside and late afternoon in Tokyo.  GAR!

    & nbsp;    For the last hour of the flight to Tokyo, I was huddled on the floor in front of my seat.  And, I figured that listening to Rammstein on a plane was a BAD idea.  (look up the lyrics to Dalai Lama, you'll know what I mean)

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Word, the airplane is officially in the air, and I took some sleeping meds(although they're not my strong kind.  They're some pansy Tylenol PM or something....) I'ma attempt some medicated sleeping.

-8:04 a.m, or 11:04 p.m China Time

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Just finished un-packing and showering.  JESUS! The Beijing Hyatt Hotel is SO HUGE!  I have my own room! And the bathroom here kicks more ass than Rambo on steroids!  There's a ginormous bathtub, and a shower that's all glass (which is kinda creepy) and it's MY OWN BATHROOM! EHSWEETE!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;My closet is also the size of my bed...damn...

    & nbsp;    The sleeping idea didn't work so well.  Now, I've been awake for around 24 hours.  I'm seriously gonna do some sleeping now, I hope.

-7/16....K, I've switched to Beijing Time, so, 4:57 p.m

Because my body sucks hardcore, I woke up at 6 a.m.  My room was cold as all hell, and that woke me up...and made it so i couldn't sleep anymore. DAMN THE AC!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; At 11, the rest of my family gets up, and we all go to the Forbidden City.  That place is amazing; the sheer age of it blows my mind (most of the temples were buitl in 1402).  We walk through the city, look at the temples, and see a big ass picture of Mao (the father of communism, for you uncultured folks)

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; After the heat, extreme humidity, and number of Asian people (I'm saying there were 6,000....and I'm not even fucking joking.  They were everywhere )  We head back to our hotel, looking in shops as we go back. P.s, SHOPPING HERE RULES.

    & nbsp;    We go to the pool, which is equally as kick-ass as the hotel.  They have a jaccuzzi specially made for women, where you can go nude (gross) and a couple of pools, and more jaccuzzi's for those non-naked folks. 

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; There was a hot guy in the pool too....he was ripped like Jesus.  Lol

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Now, time for more shopping, eating with chopsticks, and going to Tenamin Square.

-7/17, 11:35 a.m

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   Hey! Guess what?! I'm making Oolong tea!  I feel so Chinese!  I just got back from the Temple of Heaven, and Lama Temple.  I stand in amazement at how old and significant those structures are.  At the Lama temple (stands for Dalai Lama) everyone was praying.  All the asian people were buddhists, and wer paying homage to their God.  I felt really out of place, seeing as I was THE ONLY white girl there, and that I'm not a buddhist, and I don't know their prayers.  I'm opposed to most organized religions, but being in there made me change my mind about Buddhism.  People would grab their incense, kneel, pray, and then stand up and leave.  It all seemed so simple and happy...

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Hmm....maybe I should look into that religion....
    & nbsp;   &n bsp; I also felt good being in there.  I rubbed Buddha's belly, heh, maybe I'll get good luck! Aww...The buddha belly thing reminded me of Jeremy.
    & nbsp;   *tear* I miss him.

    & nbsp;    The temple of Heaven was around 600 years old, and completely beautiful.  The facade on it was stunning, and everything was built in red, blue, or gold.  The grounds to the Heaven Temple were made of marble.  There were some 700 year old trees that were all gnarled and twisted; it lookd like they were straight out of a LOTR movie.

    & nbsp;    China has this amazing history and culture that the US doesn't have.  I'm actually envious of their ways....and ashamed of our own.  Lol, curse the US for being incensitive and past-less!!!!!!

    & nbsp;    Ooooh boy, my Oolong tea was caffeinated.   And I just drank a pot and a half of it.  Lol, I'm shaking and jumping, and my eyes are popping out of my head.  I didn't know it was caffeinated! I can't read the Chinese label! EhhH!!!

    & nbsp;   I'm gonna go swim out my caffeine high...and to see if that hot guy is there...

...ps...my Mom broke my retainer in half.  That's not good....

-4:10 p.m

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Things you learn while shopping in Beijing:

1) The people who own the stores in the back alleys are PUSHY.  They're pushy because they are literally starving.  One lady (who had no teeth, I might add) grabbed me and shoved me insider her shop.  There were people who were lying on the ground because they were too weak to move, and were delirious from hunger.  An old man was crying and waving his stump (yes, stump. His arm was cut off) Ha, the US poor people ain't got JACK on the Chinese poor people.

2)Men are the same everywhere: horn dogs.  If a guy thinks you're hot, he'll stare. And not at you're face if you know what I mean...

3)Wearing a shirt that shows your stomach will get woman pissed off, and men excited.  I got some serious evil-eyes from some old Asian mothers.

4) The clothes here rock.  Hardcore.  Seriously, you people need to see the shirts I got. 

5)It's either that this country is chock full of lesbians, or it's customary that women hold hands when they shop.  It's kind of cute, in a way...and if I wasn't so hand-a-phobic, I'd probably do the same thing.  Lol, I saw like 40 pairs of women holding hands...

-7/18, 5:59 p.m

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Alright, that's it; I'm cutting my fucking arms off.  You bring me a knife, and I'll reduce these lumbs to stubs.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; We were in one of those back alley markets, looking at clothes (btw, I got a Mao shirt.  Ohhhy eaa...who has a commie shirt?! Natalie does!) ANyways, we were looking at clothes and purses, when this guy grabs me and shoves me inside his hut.  I pull away, and start walking back to my mom.  He tugs me back inside his shop, and I throw his hands off of me.  I'm basically in shock of his rudeness.  He starts rubbing my upper arms, and begins to move his hands inwards...if you know what I mean...His hands are getting to close to The Goods, and I try to back away. He tells me that he 'likes me' and he'll sell me something cheap, and then winks and looks at the NO FLY ZONE!.  My mouth falls open, and I can't believe that I'm having my fourth encounter with a sexual harrassist/pedophile.   I slap him, and push him (rather violently) away from me, and shout, 'You do not touch me ever.'  I run away, hoping this situation won't turn into another Puerto Vallarta experience.

    & nbsp;    THE FUCKING NERVE OF THAT MAN!  He first decided to feel me up, and then HINTS THAT I AM A WHORE!  If I wasn't so shocked, I would've given him a swift kick to his testes.

    & nbsp;    Besides me wanting to cripple myself, I hiked the Great Wall.  It's so surreal actually being there.  And, Oh Mah Buddha, it was a near religious experience for me.  There were enough dragon flies, bees, and other insects to make me get all twitchy; but there were lizards.  Sweet jesus, I love lizards...I ALMOST CAUGHT ONE! WOO YAH!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   I'm still in awe of climbing the Wall.  It started building in 200 B.C, and took 600 years to finish.  You really can't grasp how massive it is until you're on it.  And the age of it still boggles my mind.  IT WAS BUILT OVER 2000 YEARS AGO! And I hiked it!  I felt the rock that was there before 'Jesus'.  But, man, climbing that sucker is difficult.  I got to the highest point on the wall, which involves a 4 mile hike (at very difficult angles) and a straight vertical climb at the end.  Lol, by the end, sweat was pretty much rolling off of me.  It was    s e x y.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; To get to the Great Wall, we took this taxi cab through some extremely rural parts of Beijing.  And I mean RURAL.  These people had stick houses, fished or farmed their own food, and made their clothes.  They had no other luxuries...just bare necessities.  It was like something straight out of National Geographic.

    & nbsp;    The taxi ride was fun...not....  Lol.  My mom knows this one guy (Mr. Yang) who lives in Beijing and was happy to drive us to the Wall.  Mr. Yang speaks about as much English as I speak Swahili.  He took us the two hours to the Great Wall, and decided that traffic laws didn't pertain to us.  Especially the ones about not driving into oncoming traffic.  I was positive I was going to die three times.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Mr. Yang also took us to this restaurant for lunch that actually brought the fish that they were going to kill and cook so we could approve of it.  I proceeded to eat about 23947847 types of fish with rice. And, I ate all of it with chopsticks.  I'm actually pretty decent with them, too.  Just sick of chinese food.  If I eat any more rice, I'll burst.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Apparently, being white here makes you Christ on a cracker.  I had two chinese teenagers (one boy, one girl.  Both were my age)  come up to me and actually stare.  The girl pointed to my eyes, and then nodded, and said 'very beautiful!'.  They like round eyes, lol.  The boy asked (in VERY broken English) for a photo.  I was bewildered, because, come on, how many times are you asked for a photo simply because you are white ?)

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Although it was strange, I posed for about 5 photos.  The boy shook my hand, and then walked back to his table...still staring.  When we were leaving the restaurant, him and the girl stood up and waved.

    & nbsp;    How weird is that?  Just because I'm a white American girl, I'm novel.  I'm novel enough for some random kids to want a photo!

    & nbsp;    And that's not the first time stuff like that has happened.  People here will literally stop in the street, point, and look.  Then they usually shout HELLO.  I know I'm white...thanks for reminding me!  Ya know, I'm pretty sure I'd blend in more if I was lit on fire.

    & nbsp;    oh! I rode in a rickshaw through the old parts of town! It was so cool!!!! My sis and I sat in this cart hooked to a bike, and a guy pulled us along.  The old parts of the town were REAL communistic and were about 200 years old.  The age of everything in Beijing is mind-blowing.  I wish the US had history like this.

    & nbsp;   

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; During my nightly swim, I realized some painful truths.  LIke, I can't swim for crap.  I mean, I can dog-paddle, and slowly get around with basic strokes, but that's the extent of my skills.  I suck hardcore.  I also realized that I'm about as bouyant as a fucking rock.  I can't float on my back with my tummy in the air for some reason.  I was trying for like an hour, but I seriously can not float. EH! Someone teach me!!!

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; Even though I'm disgusted with my body in a swimsuit, I love swimming.  I should do it more often....

-9:10 p.m

    & nbsp;   After having a 2 hourl ong conversation with my mom, I'm amazed; she knows EVERYTHING.  I don't know where she gets all this knowledge about me, but she knows more about my relationship life than mattie does.  Scary, isn't it?!?!?

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   I was talking about my hand problem, and she was like, 'Then how will you dance with guys?' I replied that I don't. And she brought up Mike...I'm not sure how she knew about this, considering I NEVER told her, but she knew.  She also started talking about something with a sweatshirt, and I quickly changed the subject.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp; How does she know that?!?!?! She's like the CIA! In Mom-Form!

    & nbsp;    She did offer one piece of good advice about the hand thing: 'When you find the person you're deeply in love with, you'll be amazed at how small your personal bubble becomes'.  Hmm....so, if I've let you hold/touch my hands, I'm deeply in love with you...weird.

    & nbsp;   

Well, this is it...one quick word before I'm off to the airport.

18 hours on a plane?  Sounds like heaven, no?  I fly from PDX to Japan, then from Japan to Beijing.  In my suitcase I currently have:  A journal, every KoRn CD, Tool CD, Seether CD, Rammstein CD, The Dark Tower 7 book by Stephen King, a sweatshirt, cd player, contacts, beauty junk, hair brush, glasses (they're hot...shutup), clothes for 7 days, swimsuits and shoes.  I only typed that out because I'm tweakin' over what I packed.  I'm getting all nervous and what not.  Ehh...Mattie saw me start to freak out.

Speaking of Mattie...I had to say goodbye to her for 27 days.  Yea, that's right, three weeks I won't be seeing my bestest friend of all time.  That's like trying to live without your colon for three weeks...it DON'T WORK! 
    & nbsp; We spent about an hour outside of her house, talking, looking at stars, and thinking about good times.  It was around 10 o'clock, and I realized that my curfew is 9:30...I start walking home, when Mattie gives me her ring as something I'd remember her by.  I start tearing up as she hooks the ring on to my necklace.  Thank Go d the darkness hid me crying, lol.  (P.S, Mattie's ring will be going around the world, as will Mike's necklace.  Congrats.  You now have a well-traveled piece of jewelry)  I give her one final hug, tell her I'll miss her, and start walking home...I actually break into a sprint, but start slowing down when a car follows me.
    & nbsp; I walk into my house, and my mom looks like a kicked puppy. I ask her what's wrong, and she asks if it was hard saying bye to Mattie.  I laughed, and asked if it would be hard saying bye to her heart.
    & nbsp; She understood.

Well...I guess I lied, Lol.  This was a lot more than just one word.

So, to cut this crap short...Don't miss me too severely guys.  Lol, I'll be missin' ya'll like hell.  And...If my plane so happens to crash, know that I love you.

Love and BEIJING HERE I COME,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;   Nat

p.s...Just fyi, I'll be listening to every KoRn album on the way there.  That's right. Chronological order too, bitches.

Well, it's finally here.  My last day in the US.
    & nbsp; For those of you who aren't in the know, I'm leaving to Beijing on the 14th, and coming back on the 21st...so you all won't have to miss me too severely; I'm only gone for a week.  I then leave again for AZ on the 28th, and come back on the 31st...then...once again...I leave on the 17th of August for NY and return on the 23rd.  So, it'll be airplane central for me in this last month and a half of summer.

But, I'm hoping for many get togethers, movies, parties, whatever-our-juvenile-min ds-can-come-up-with things when I get back, ja? *cough* like who wants to come to the beaverton mat pool with me ?*cough*
    & nbsp; ...PS...I WANT TO SEE CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY THE DAY I GET BACK!  (well, maybe not the day considering I'll be suffering from the worst case of jet-lag known to man....but, basically the day I get back..)

    & nbsp; Leave it to Natalie to get cold feet before traveling to another country.  Man, I only know two phrases in Chinese (Thank you, and Hello).  Damn...this'll be an experience.  China won't even know what hit it when I come around.

Mo cuishle, I tabharfaidh tusa.  Tá mo chroí istigh tusa.  Me gra tusa...

Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who takes you there
I'm your life
I'm the one who cares
they
they betray
I'm your only true friend now
they
they'll betray
I'm forever there

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
sad but true
I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
you know it's sad but true

you
you're my mask
you're my cover, my shelter

^hehe, I'm full of surprises...bet you never thought that I'd be listening to this song for two hours straight, did ya?  I may say I hate them, but come on, I can't resist...too kick ass.  Don't miss me too much when you're in the Arctic, k?  lol, just kiddin.

....But seriously, I'm not.

I have this technique that I use called 'Laying Down'.  The principal of this method is to take whatever someone has to say to you, and offer no retorts.  Basically take what they have to say, laying down.  Get it?

My sister doesn't.  She'll stand up for what she believes in, and she'll fight to the death.  I have so much respect for her because of that...it's just not my style.  I'll do whatever it takes to get the pain over with quickly, even if that means defying my beliefs.

Am I a coward?  ...You could call me that....

So, when Lisa starts an argument with our dad, it's bound to be an argument.

Apparently my sister had these bed sheets that she liked.  I mean, really really liked.  She decided last night that she wanted to use said bedsheets again, and asked my father where they were.  My dad said he had thrown them out.  Now, I was eating my dinner (aka, a carrot and some cucumber.  My fucking worthless father decided to leave for 3 hours, and I had to find my own food.  Not that I mind that...it's just I only saw him for a half hour the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY.  Back to my point...) I was eating, and my dad comes to sit at the table...and tries to act all chummy with me.  I'm being rather caustic, and my sister demands to know why he threw them out.  She interrupts him, mid-explanation, and says that he had 'promised' her that he wouldn't give them away.  He starts to shout about how it's 'not his fault', and Lisa breaks.
    & nbsp; She starts to cry, and runs into the other room to fold her laundry.  I suddenly decide that I'm not all too hungry, and go to put my dish in the kitchen.  I see her, folding her laundry, and crying...  In order to avoid more yelling, I resist the strong urge to go and comfort her, and go upstairs to my room.
    & nbsp; I put Dirty by KoRn on my boom-box and turn it up to volume 5 (my CD player only goes to volume 6..so my ears were effectively bleeding)  I hear my dad lumber upstairs, and my sister's swift steps after him.  He opens the linen closet (WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THREE FUCKING INCHES FROM MY DOOR) and starts throwing blankets about.  She starts screaming at him for being a liar, and he says that she shouldn't be so 'emotionally attached to a pair of sheets'.  Their voices got THROUGH MY FUCKING DOOR, AND OVER MY FUCKING MUSIC.  I curl up in a ball and try to hide under my covers, hoping that she'll just give up. 
    & nbsp; She doesn't...the fighting goes on for about 15 minutes; or until my dad walks out of the house.  My sister runs, tears streaming down her cheeks, into her room.  I go to help do the re-building work on her emotional status...and stay in her room for about 20 minutes.  We hear dad come back inside the house, and I get scared witless.  If one of us is crying, and the other one tries to comfort, you get in a HELLUVA lot of trouble.  I attempt hiding, but he just passes her room and goes straight into his.

All of that fucking fighting, crying, and screaming over a pair of GODDAMN BED SHEETS.  My sister says that it wasn't the fact that he threw her bedsheets out, it was the fact that he lied to her.  I try to make her laugh, and succeed.  I walk out of her room with tears brimming in my eyes, too.
    & nbsp; I can't fucking stand this anymore.  It's not right that I have to be so scared to walk out of my room for fear of him yelling.  And I shouldn't have to put on a comedy act so my sister will stop bawling.

Tell me that I 'deserve better than him'...I fucking dare you.  I don't care if I deserve better than him, I can't get anything better than him.  I'm stuck with it.  And I don't care if 'he doesn't deserve me'...I fucking deserve him. 

     In order to work out built up aggression, Mattie and I go play tennis.  I played five hours of tennis in one day, and now I really hurt.

    & nbsp; We go to my mom's house afterwards, and she starts the whole lecture process.  She wants me to finally take the Big Stand against my dad and tell him I want out.  There's only two problems with this theory:
1)I'm so fucking petrified of his reaction
and 2) I don't care if he's bad to me and my sister, I still want a dad.

Taking this so-called 'stand' would involve me telling him that I only want to see him occassionally.  That I don't want to live in his house. And I don't want to talk to him on the phone...basically I'd be cutting him out of my life.  I still want a father, even if he's bad...I just need one.  I'm too cowardly and spine-less to start this Stand, so I'm leaving it all up to my sister.  Heh, I bet by the end of the summer, I'm not going to be living with my dad.

Wow...finally...Somehow, I don't believe this will go over well when he finds out.  Pray for me...

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending.  It's as much as I can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

Love and a very dark future,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         Natalie

My mom and I see eye to eye.  And I don’t mean to state the fact that she’s my same height…it’s just that we always agree.  It’s always been that way.  She’s been the haven that I can run to when things get too rough with my dad, she’s been the first person to ask about my problems, and the only person to be able to solve then.

    & nbsp; Needless to say, I love her.  She’s continuously wanted the best for me, and I suppose she’ll always stay that way.  I trust her more than I trust myself…   It’s never been a mother/daughter relationship; always a ‘two beings that understand each other completely’ kind.  I mean, come on, I haven’t even had the Sex Talk from her.  My life is just that casual with my mom.

    & nbsp;  So you can imagine my surprise when I hear her state that she has no trust in me. 

    & nbsp;  I was talking to her on the phone, like I do every other day, and she asks what I’ve been up to.  I proceed to tell her everything…the mall trips, the sleeping issues, and…The Oak Hills Visit.   She’s quite for a second, and then proceeds to warn me about Michael.

    & nbsp;  She’s not too fond of the boy, and that’s never particularly phased me…but it sure as hell will phase me if she doesn’t trust me with him.

‘I can see you spending a lot of time with Mike during the summer.’

‘Uh…yea?’

‘Just make sure there’s always an adult around.’

‘Mom, there was…and I’m not gonna do anything like that.  You can trust me.’

‘Make sure it doesn’t go beyond kissing…k?

‘Mom…really…It’s O K A Y’

‘Well…but for the future….  I know he doesn’t care about your feelings too much, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.…and, frankly, I don’t trust the guy.

‘You can trust me…I’m not going to do something like that.’

‘You have too much potential and too much of a future to screw it up young.  I just want you making good decisions.’

‘Yes, I know…’

So…not only does my dad think that I’ll screw him, so does my mom.  Damn, heh, I’m sure working up the image of a whore early, don’t ya think?!

I used to be the good child.  The one that parents never had to ask where she was going, because they trusted her.  I was responsible enough to be left on my own, and was never questioned about ulterior motives; when did this change?  How come, now that I’m 14, I suddenly get bombarded with questions that all relate to how ‘sexually free’ I am?!

After staying awake until 4 am, drawing KoRn album covers and listening to Eminem…I finally sleep.  Have some really disturbing night terrors, and fall off my bed.  Yea…fell off…takes mad skills…

I wake up at 10:41, and open my door to find..AN EMPTY HOUSE!  WOO HA!  That’s what I always love waking up to!!  I go downstairs, look in my sis’ room, and my dad’s…but hey! They’re all gone!  I find a note on the kitchen counter that says ‘be back soon’. 

I sit down in the middle of the kitchen floor, and wait for awhile.  I’m hoping they’ll be back ‘soon’…like in 10 minutes.  It’s now 12:30, and they’re STILL NOT FUCKING HERE!  Hopefully my dad got in a car wreck or something…

Love and the Issues Rag Doll,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp; Natalie.

After I said ‘Bye to Bah-bo’, I walked away.  And for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why this was meaning so much.  One final glance over my shoulder confirmed my beliefs…I think this is going to hurt a lot more than expected.

Alright people, here it is.  It's now official:  Mattie kicks more ass than you.  It's around 3 am right now, and I've only slept 5 hours in the past two days.  I'm tired...but awake because of my FUCKING GENES!  So, instead of doing something productive, I did this...

Reasons Why Mattie Marie Wilson Kicks More Ass Than You Can Fathom:

She's 2930757485 feet tall
She can literally kick your ass
She can tweeze her own eyebrows with her fingernails
She listens to the best music
She's my friend
She has a lamp that turns on by touch
She has hardcore rhyming skills
She has an Escalade-dar
She's the closest person to a Weener that is still cool
She practically lives with me
My mom likes her
She can dance
She can sing
She can do a helluva lot more than you can (ha, sucka)
She cleans well
She got me the Deuce DVD
She had a KoRn CD before me (yea...surprising...I basically jacked it from her though.  She's the start of my addiction!)
Her little brother has a thing for me (it makes her kick ass...just does...)
She's Christian
She's accepting
She has more eyeliner than you (eat it, punk)
She rules at baking
She rules at getting up at 7 IN THE MORNING BECAUSE SHE'S DIFFERENT!
She's Uuuuuunnnnsaaavory (Jk)
She smells better than you
She looks better than you

She just kicks more ass than you people...I could continue typing, but then that'd take away from the fun.  I'm not sure what 'the fun' is...but it'd take it away.
SO! INSTEAD OF READING THIS! GO OUT AND GET YOURSELF A MATTIE TODAY!!!!

AND! considering I just passed out a little bit on my computer, I take this as a hint I should be sleeping.

But, HEY! I bet Mattie's reading this! She's the only one that gets up that early...weeirdo...

Lol, jk.  Come by/call me at noon.  Five dollars says I'll be asleep, but you can wake my lazy ass. 

P.S, My lazy ass is wearing boxers.  They're the hot pin-strip ones.  Ooooh...look at meh sexxxaaayy boxers.

And...PPS, I'll take this down if it makes you uncomfortable.  I was just bored and decided to boast about you.

This whole thing will have bad gtrammr and won't sbe spelled right because i'm shaky.  I' mc rying more importantly, and Matite's not answering hrer phone. so i cna't talk to anyone...my sis is gone.

How lucky hse is..

my dad's prety much blowed an entire fuse on me.  his yelling uswuewlally hurts, but this one cut deep. 
I wnet to Mike's today.  and, i told him that iw as goin gto meet more peopel at his house.  which we eedcsxatyl didn't.
my dad aprprently tried callling the celllphone, but i rnever answered. problaly because i don't know hiw to work the damneed thing. 
he jsuemped to conclusuion.s

remember heow we were talking about chastttity belts?
i thipnk i may be gettingo one.

he thinkss i'm ot a vigrrin namyor.  i cna;t believe him,,, tha'ts why i can't nahdnle people callkin me a hwoer!!!Q

he doe s. he acaleld me disgatraceufl, and i have no moral.ls, and won'tke believe me when i told him we DID NOTHING, ubt he wopn;t take it.  het htinkis since ia waws with onkly one guy when he showeed up, that i fucked him,.   ic an't fucking blieve this.

I can't athwienk straight,a nd i want to stoep  crtying. AND this sis sihfucking stupid.

t hi;s;ll make more asensee wonce ai' stop pbawling, and i can tink.

Edit:

Yea, so this is when I have my rational thought process back, and I'm not crying like a banshee.
    & nbsp; Looking back over that ^entry^ up there makes me realize that I can't type for shit when I'm crying...So! The translation of the angry rant =
    & nbsp; 'This whole thing will have bad grammar and won't be spelled right because I'm shaking.  I'm crying more importantly, and Mattie's not answering her phone so I can't talk to anyone....My sis is gone.

How lucky she is...

     My dad's pretty much blown  an entire fuse on me.  His yelling usually hurts, but this one cut deep.  I went to Mike's today, and I told him (my dad, that is) that I was going to meet more people at his house.  Which we didn't exactly do.  My dad apparently tried calling the cellphone, but I never answered.  Probably because I don't know how to work the damned thing.  He jumped to conclusions.  (The not answering phone and hanging out with guys part...yea, it made him 'suspicious')

Remember how we were talking about chastity belts?
I think I may be getting one.

He thinks I'm not a virgin anymore.  I can't believe him.  That's why I can't handle people calling me a whore!!!!! (because he calls me one)

He does (call me a whore).  He called me disgraceful, and I have no morals, and wouldn't believe me when I told him we DID NOTHING, but he wouldn't take it.  He thinks since I was with only one guy when he (dad) showed up, that I fucked him (the guy).  I can't fucking believe this.

I can't think straight, and I want to stop crying. AND this shit is fucking stupid.

This'll make mroe sense once I stop bawling, and I can think.

There....It's Natalie Crying, to Natalie Not Crying translation

I went to bed at 4, and woke up at 8-9.  My dad thought I was heading to Oak Hills at noon so I could meet a bunch of people.
I figured that I would be hanging out with a lot more people than Michael, so I was fine lieing to him.

He lectures me for about 15 minutes about spending 'time' with him..so I'm late off of the get-go.

    & nbsp;  He drives me over to Oak Hills, and I see Mike plodding along.  I hoped that my dad hadn't seen him, and he'd drop me off at Mike's house; then I'd be able to run after him.
My dad has eyes like a goddamn eagle.  He spotted him, and proceeded to tell me to get out of the car.  I am more than obliged to do as he says, so I jump out and run towards him...
Haha, rather metaphorical don't you think?  Running away from a devil, just to be in the protection of an angel.

Mike and I walk around...doing nothing...for about an hour.  We head to Yohan's house, only to find it empty.  We then walk around the green belt, and through the 'hood, until we head to Val's house.  I start to worry...because, come on, me showing up randomly at Val's house...with Michael...doesn't exactly scream 'NORMAL' to me.
    & nbsp; He rings the door bell, and I seriously contetmplate on running...I don't want to see her reaction.  Andy opens the door, and I hear a scream and see a flash of Val.
     Andy, Mike, and I play with the Rabbit Ball, and the Vicious Sock Destroyer, Lucy.

Andy has to leave, and Val is still in a closet....so Mike and I  are once again on our own.   We head to Oak Hills Elementary and I make a barkdust angel, which ends up stabbing me in the back.  Damn bark chips.

We walk to this weird Pond thing, where I nearly fall in, and then back to Mike's house.  Lol, 'You know it's this far from here to here, as it is from here to here.'  Dude...smooth moves...

    & nbsp;    I witness the beginning of an argument between Mike and his parents, and then Val and Yohan (Extroadinaires at breaking into houses, eh?) are found on the stairs.  Mike's parents talk to them, and they quickly duck out of the house.

    & nbsp;   Mike and I go up to his room, doing a whole lot of nothing for a couple hours.  I amaze him with the fact that I fit in a twin bed, we have a Jew Change Fight, listen to Destruction (EH-SUXZORS), play with knives, and I get rolled up in a blanket sausage suit.  We're constantly going from room to room, laying on screw-proof, and unscrew-proof (hot grammar, huh?) beds. 
I also get to display my ehsweete numb finger.  I can stick it in fire...woooot! 
Even if we didn't exactly do anything productive, it still felt 'right' sitting on his bed, watching him weild sharp objects, lol.

    I call my dad and tell him to come get me, and he questions me about why I called him an hour late.  I lie, rather smoothly I might add, and Mike and I head to the Rec Center to wait.  I hug him goodbye before my dad comes; I say I'll miss him, and actually hug like a real girl (aka, arms around the neck). 

We sit on the bench, wait for my dad... I see his car pull up, and already start grimacing.  I don't want to get in...it'll be ugly.  I turn to look back at Mike and he says, "See ya in Highschool."  Man...that hurts...because it's true, lol. 

     I get in the car and he immediately starts.  Where's everyone else? How come only Michael was there?  What did you do?  This whole situation seems suspicious...
I try to lie my way out of it, but, I'm only so good...heh...He gets rather upset, and I start to cry.  Then he gets even angrier...because of the tears...Now you people know why I can't cry. 
    & nbsp; My dad nearly wrecks the car, and I stay quiet; attempting to hide my tears...but it seriously doesn't work.

Over all...the day ruled...right up until 5 o'clock. 

I want to write about the fight...but then I don't want to kill myself. So, ha, you're kept in the dark.

Love and Disgraceful Sluts,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;   Natalie

You know, when you picked me up...and started to twirl me.  I didn't want you to let go.  I didn't want to close that part of my life off...

How I wish that I could fly.  All the things that hang above me.  to a place where I can cry.  So what can it be?  No one hears me call, echoes back at me no ones there.  To all these nameless feelings I cant deal with in my life.  To all these greedy people trying to feed on what is mine.  You've got to filll your hunger and stop fucking with my mind.  I know its time to leave these places far behind.  Where are all these feelings hiding? Dancing in and out my mind, burning up all that I long for, feeding me till my decline.  Where are you? My soul is bleeding.  I am searching am I blind?  All alone and bound forever, trapped inside me for all time

Holy shit...This Acceptance song rivals TBS for the most Whiny-Bitch song of all time.  But hey, sometimes knowing sappy love-song lyrics can come in handy.  like if my family is ever raped and pillaged by love-lyric deprived maniacs.  I could totally save my ass... Anyways, Torn Inside:
    & nbsp; I cant speak, I'm lost for words.  I can't hear, the silence burns a hole in, inside of me.   That i can't feel for the life of me.  I can't see, I'm blinded by those things you say to me are lies. I can't feel, feel you near, and that's because you were never here.  What am i supposed to do?  How am i supposed to feel?  I put my, my trust in you, but life can change.  I can't see, I'm blinded by those things you say to me are lies.  I can't feel, feel you near, and that's because you were never here.  You lied to me, you let me down, you turned this smile into a frown.  And youre the only reason why I find it hard to sleep at night.  I'm feeling down im feeling blue, i think of past time spent with you...and now there's nothing left to say, so I just turn my head away...

EDIT:

It's now approximately 1:21 am on my clock. And I'm not tired at all.  VAMPIRES I WANT YOU! I WOULD NEVER BE LONELY WITH YOU PEOPLE AROUND! Drinking soda is NOT smart! And trying to counter-act the effects of caffeine with pills is even dumber.

I'm freezing my ass off, and the fact that I seriously can not feel a goddamn thing in my left index finger is starting to worry me.  I hit something too hard near the end of school, and totally fucked up a nerve in my finger.  Now I can't feel anything there! Woot!  The numbness isn't spreading...but I can seriously put my finger in fire, and it doesn't phase me.  It's strange...

Hair color: Some cracked out color of lightish brown
Eye color: I hate this question.  No one agrees on it. I say I have brown eyes.  But no one else thinks so...you guys are WRONG! lol
Race: Whitey
Hair length: collar bone length
Hairstyle: It's naturally wavy...but I usually straighten it.  I rarely bother with that during the summer.  I just put it up in a bun
Best facial feature: eyelashes.  It's the weirdest feature to get complimented on..but I always do.
Best body part: Ur...help me out here?
Height: 5'3 5/8"
Best school subject: LA
Best personality trait: Don't have one.  Help me out on this one too...
Religion: corrupts our society
Peircings? ears
Tattoos? none.  I want KoRn across my shoulder blades, though.
Big feet? Average size
Do they play any instruments? My feet?...no...I play guitar and saxophone...

If you had to choose... (GUYS)

I used to obssess over living.
Now, I just obssess over you.
I swear I'll burn this city, just to show you the light.
And you nearly made me cry when you said I'm the only good thing left in this town.
Well, I hope you know, I wish you'd drown.
Well, I hope you know, I'm going to throw you down.
Fuck you, I've thrown you out.

I woke up at 7, and remembered how much I hate divorced parents.  I zombie-walked out of my bed and fell down at my closet.  I remembered last night and started to cringe...  Somehow, I wish I could forget all of it.  It's probably the fact that I'm bitter at the moment, but whatever.  I landed on my blood bubbles on my knees and yelped. 
    & nbsp; Got to Dad's house at 9 and was bombarded with questions.  I stop answering them after I lose interest and get yelled at for 'changing'.  I retort with 'I'm tired'...but, as always, I can't give excuses.  Have arguments about a phone, and end up walking out of the room mid-sentence. 
    & nbsp;  I put Run on repeat...slam my door...and pass out on my bed.  I was up until 3 ish, and I was angry for no apparent reason.  It was probably the fact that I couldn't sleep the previous night and ended up bashing my face into the bed repeatedly until I fell asleep.

     At 11:37, Pookie knocks on my door.  I moan, and she opens the door.
'Get upp!!!! You've slept long enough!!!!'
'You whore...I'm tired...'
'Suck it up, Puss.  We got things to do today *chucks pillow*

You see what I have to deal with?! My neighbor walks in my house, opens my closed door and wakes me up...Lol, having Lisa Parrott as my alarm clock is always fun.  It's usually accompanied with a vicious pillow toss to the face.

I get up, stumble around for a few minutes, and eventually find food.  We eat, and watch KoRn.  Like always.  Mattie comes over to join the fun and we partay

'YOU CAN SUCK MY D_ _ K AND FUCKING LIKE ITTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
'Very assertive, congrats.'

'Oooh...here's the part where he's popping off the guns!'
'Popping off the say-whatsis?!?!?!

'Oh Mah Gahd! Look at the spit coming out of his mouth!!!!
'Yea...about that....'

'Jon Davis...that's like 6 foot 2 inches of Yummy.'
'Lisa...you can't call him Yummy...he'll kick your ass.'

'Ya know, I think I like him with his shirt off, more than I like his music.'

Chris comes over at 3...and we do what we do best: Walk to QFC, and do nothing.  Mess around in the construction site for a half hour, until we get some sort of clay stuck to our hands.  We walk to the Black Path where we find this fat chick and skinny guy totally macking it (erlack).

Chris sits in my Pancake Chair, and I lay under my covers.  Lisa sprawls out on the floor, and we talk about Lisa beating the shit out of some random Asian Kid that stole her bras (The funniest story you will ever hear in your life).  Lisa, because she's a dork, lays directly on top of me...and we look like the world's biggest Lezzies.  I hear my dad start walking up the stairs, and I tell Lisa to get off of me before he comes into my room.
     That's precisely when she dives off my bed.  And when I say dive, I literally mean dive.  She turned and jumped...face-planting rather smoothly into my carpet.
Ha, sucker!!!!!

I'm really diggin' Fall Out Boy.  It's disgraceful to like yet another Christian band, but hey...they kick ass.

Say you're sorry.  See if it even fucking phases me; you can only get away with illegal matters so many times.  You're dead to me...I've seen ships sink more gracefully than you do.

'I love you'
'I know.'
You got this silly way of pulling on my heart strings.  More like this silly way of keeping me infuriated.  Some days, you like me, and some days I'm yesterday's paper.  If I didn't play the part of a kicked-puppy so well, I'd convince myself that I'm killing myself waiting for something that's never going to happen again...
But, then, how else would I have my heart shredded? 

Love that burned out quicker than a candle,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;    NatNat.

You only hold me up because you don't know who I really am.  Why don't you show me that little bit of spine you've been saving for her mattress?  I'll tell you anything you want to hear, because that's just who I am this week.  Am I more than you bargained for yet?!

Tired of the perverted lyrics.  New video...
This is done out of sheer boredom; and the fact that it's 2:30 and I can't FUCKING SLEEP! contributes to it.  Also, if I were to commit suicide, this would be on my last letter.  It's just that good.

Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow

I will make it go away
Cant be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
Im ready
Heart stops
I stand alone
Cant be my own

I will make it go away
Cant be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take its place?
Am I going to win this race?
I guess Gods up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?


Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

I'm falling asleep...cradling both of your necklaces.

Love and I listened to a whole Tool album while trying to sleep. Do you know how long that is?! Yea, tha's 114 minutes! I SEVERELY DIS-LIKE THIS,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Nat

I'm not doing great
I feel like I'm dead
Not thinking straight
Inside my body, troubled, full of hate
I had to let it out before it's too late

Deep Inside, It can hide!
Feeling so lost and betrayed
why does this happen to me everytime
Stuck in this place, where I can't escape
Screaming and clawing from deep inside

Why won't it fade
Outside I had to lie; "I'm ok",
I hope someday, I'll stop getting pain
I guess this is a lie, I have made

What am I doing?
I can't believe this
I have been hiding
Wanting to be less
Giving to people,
They take from me
Always they bring drama to me

I can't stand all this fucking Pain
Please god just go away
Please god just take the pain...

    & nbsp; I'm pretty sure normal girls cry when they're hurt.
Reason number 938748743598324why I am not normal:  I get violently angry when I'm sad.  Yea, that makes no sense...but, I deal with pain the way drunks do. I don't drink, I just totally start wailing on someone's ass.  Heh, someone=door frame.

     Mattie, I'm sorry if I scared you; I was scaring myself.  I don't act like that all the time, you know that.  I was just hurt...and it hurt worse than you think it did...trust me.  And so I took the pain out in the only expression I know: anger.  Which just turned in to some fucked up knee caps and a couple of bruised hands.
That's okay. It's nothing I can't deal with.

I just wish I would've cried over it, ya know?  Shed a tear or two...not just attempt to break through the dry wall. 
Oh well, who cares...it's done and over with. No permanent damage.  Just hurts to move fingers; I shouldn't be typing this....Well, it's not the first time I've had bad judgement.

I found the 6th note. And I was so petrified that I had lost it...but it was in his room.  I don't remember giving it to him, but then, I don't remember anything about that day.  I guess blocking it out worked a little too well.
Part of me wants to kill him for not telling me he had it.
But the other part of me says...well...kill him.

I'm just comforting myself with the thought that he didn't know he had it, or that he didn't think I'd care. Yea, that works...he didn't care.

Morningstar, oh shine
onto the beloved of mine
Cast a warm light
onto her frightening face
Tell her she's not alone

And the star wants to shine
onto the beloved of mine
It warms my breast and shakes
where life beats
To see with the heart
she is simply beautiful

So, if that's what you mean when you call me 'your morning star'...I'm pretty sure I'm okay with that. Lol, actually...I'm more than okay with that. I'm really more than okay...
Now, if it's the beginning part of the song, when he calls her so ugly that she scares the light, then I'm gonna have to break open a can of whoop-ass.  Lol, jk.
    & nbsp; It was sweet...

It's July
I'm panicking.

One month of my summer is already gone...and I've nothing to show for that.  In two weeks, I leave for Beijing. In four I go to AZ, and sometime in August, I go to New York. I'm going to be gone...a lot... SO! If you want to have your fill of Natalie(not like that, pervs), you best be scheduling some time to hang out with the All Mighty (aka, me).

Being in China is gonna be crazy...I'm gonna be like a whole melted core away from you guys. ehhh *whine.*

Only good thing about July is 1)It's CANADA DAY! And 2)JULY FOURTH!  I'm gonna be in Oak Hills to watch the fireworks....it'll be like the first time in forever that I've seen a firework show.  I'm only worried about being lit on fire, my friends doing stupid things *cough*BOMBS*cough* and freezing my ass off.

Speaking of freezing asses, (haha) Has anyone noticed how SEVERELY cold it gets in the mornings? Like, no lie, I'm gonna come down with hypothermia. At around 1 am, the temperature drops to sub-arctic in my house. It's flippin' crazy.  Last night, I was up until like 4, and I had five jackets...STILL COLD.  Jesus Christ, I'm going to start wearing quilts.
Maybe I should wear warmer pajamas...
No; quilts it is.

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Call me a dork for likeing that song...but it kicks ass. Now only if I had hazel eyes...

It's better than Sammie right?

I like the way you look at me, I like the time we spend baby! I like it! Girrrl, don't you know I like it!

Love and my kick ass music tastes,

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;      & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;  Nat