Creep with me as I take a trip down memory lane... *cue Eminem and Dre song*

    & nbsp; Went to Meadow today.  Boy, was that an experience.  I saw all the teachers, they all were the same...Cept Dizzle's hair...  VBerg gives me a hug, same with Doyle and Schmidt and ask how my summer's been going.  I tell Ms V about China and she gets all excited.  Then she asks about my health, which would be weird coming from anyone else but her.  I tell her about my PETA and vegetarian thing that's destroying me, and she furrows her brows.  ha, I used the word Furrowed.  Anyways, she tells me that I sound like I'm dangerously protein deficient and that I should talk to a doctor about getting supplements.
Yet she didn't mention starting to eat meat again.  That's why I love her...she knew how important it was to me and didn't suggest I eat meat again, just that I take supplements.  I'm a tad upset that I didn't deliver the letter I wrote to her, but I'm sure she knows everything that I had to say.

    & nbsp;  Dizzle compliments my shoes, and asks if they make them in a size 13...They were chick shoes...  Then questions if I've been staying away from boys.  I say, 'uh...ya?' Then he asks if Mike and I are still together.  Okay, how he assumed this or thought this is beyond me...that man knows more than he should.  I say no and switch the subject at godspeed.

    & nbsp;   I walk down the halls to Vberg's room and then
WHACK
Memories hit
WHACK

    & nbsp;   I look in the rooms and think of everything...just, everything.  My locker.  Remember those days that Furby, Yohan, James, Mike, Chris and I would do nothing but hang at our locker...and I had to make futile attempts to get into it.  And walking down the halls to Spanish.  And Miss M and her singing and music in LA.  Those days in Math where I sat across from the windows and did nothing but look out them because the sky was dark.  And those times before school where I was wearing my butterball jacket and mittens but still froze my tits off?  And when I went inside...I was still freezing my tits off? The first seating arrangement in Science, where I was Jack's, Jon's, Jame's, and Mike's bitch because I was always turning in the papers.  When I had to run through the halls with only one shoe because a certain someone shoved it in his pants.  The first day I walked into WEB.  I remember my exact damn outfit.  And Mattie mouthing from across the big Gym that she hated me.  Because that grouping started the largest catastrophe known.  When everything was still new...relationships were built and destroyed, I was always too cold, and friends were still friends.  That day I spent outside of the Upper Gym because all I could think about was your face...streaked with tears, and me grasping at any words that would come to my stricken brain.  And how when I first found out the three words that started a snow-ball problem, Mattie called me and was nearly crying.  Then the next day was so damn awkward. All the times at lunch where I watched the guys play frisbee.  Shit...the guys...I don't have 'the guys' anymore.  I just have them all seperated.  When we found Mr. Schlabach's golf balls.  In Math, the first seating arrangement...my notebook was defiled.  God...Spanish...spanish was...good?  Yea, yea, it was good.  We were the three musketeers in that class.  Always in eye-sight, always slipping notes.  James always challenging Miss Murphy and most the time winning.   Oh, sweet suckable jesus, remember theme park?!  My breakdowns, my perfectionism, that god-awful outfit I wore for speech.  me shaking so bad I looked like I had cerebal palsy.  And when the legs thing first started, which began to be a comforting staple.  Then the TKAMB book project.  Writing in LA...all those times in LA where my knees buckled because I'm such a sap.  Quizzes in math.  Those times when I thought I would rip someone's hair out, just because I was bitter.  Walking...just walking.  Through the halls.  When I didn't know what would be my demise, just having friends so close to me that it hurt.  And band...Boy, was band fun.  Furby made me angry enough to scream but was the nicest out of all of The Guys.  He pissed me off because he knew that it'd make me smile when he did something nice.  All those days that were super hard for me with relationships...he'd talk...And he'd make sense.  And he'd tell me what I wanted to hear, just because he knew it would stop me crying.  Oh! Oh! Oh! That one day in band, right after my birthday, when Mr. Schlabach asked me why I didn't come to jazz band, and I broke into uncontrollable tears?  He  ;turned and smiled and said, 'Someone's a little pissed off, huh..' And despite that I couldn't breath straight because I was crying so hard, it made me laugh.  I've only seen him twice this summer, and I miss him.  All those times when we sneaked down to Miss M's room and we used the ninja skills.  Just us...no one yelling or jealousy springing up...with them, I was myself.  I was the Natalie i was proud of.  The last day of school?  The last time that my closest friends would be together as a whole.  And all we did was play with a damn rubber ball out in the field.  Or when we watched movies.  Every time that we watched a movie in a class, it was the best.  Except when I saw some jealous eyes panging me in Spanish.  And the first time I knew the hurt it'd bring.  When my heart wouldn't stay in my chest and I knew I was killing everyone else.  Then the terror....God...Heh, you scared me a bad one girl.  But I still remember your words after my birthday...'It wasn't your fault.  He shouldn't need to forgive you.  He doesn't deserve you'
    & nbsp; And chris! CHRIS! If you read this, I LOVE YOU LIKE THE BEST PUMPKIN I'VE EVER LOVED!  Right after things got pretty awkward between me and a certain someone, you and I roamed the halls looking for the weener and avoiding it.  And, you're almost too damn cool for me.  We have a link, an honest to God link.  Why'd we both pick red?  And how'd we both know to say, 'She/He's my bitch.'  It's magic, man.
And! Oh God! The bus rides! Remember those Mattie?!  Where we first saw the Weener, and there'd be days where we wouldn't speak a word and have an all out brawl after school on your lawn?  But then Sven would say whatever he did.  And I asked Thomas about where his three pubes went?  And when I couldn't sleep, I'd sleep on the bus, and that one day where no one shut up because Thomas was sleeping in my lap.  And the first weeks where we made the guys sit on us. 

     Eighth grade was good.  Well...no...that's a lie.  It was great in the winter.  When it was so cold my eyes would water...that's when it was good.  Before things got really fucked up...it was fandango.  It was the best yet.  Uh...maybe not...last month of school...that was good.  That was really good.  I don't want to leave those moments behind.  I formed such a strong bond with people...We were a damn family.  When something was out of the ordinary, you could spot it.  I fell in love, broke my heart, broke someone else's, recovered a dying relationship, hurt everyone.  I did EVERYTHING, man.  I experienced some of the most intense pain I can remember...yet relished every moment. I don't want to seperate with that part of my past....I'm not going to have certain people so close to me that it hurts.  And, if I do, they'll be new people.  They won't know my history like my old friends.  I'll have to go through the whole 'ACCEPT ME! LOVE ME!' phase again. 

    & nbsp;  And all those memories from trying to open a damn locker.  Jesus.  Someone slap me...I've never sounded so whiny in my life.

But...man...I'd give my left leg to go back for a day.  To go back and open that locker, turn around, see their faces together.

Saw Red Eye with my oh-so-special pumpkin.  Good movie, gorgeous feminine eyes.  The airplane things were pissing me off because no airplane bathroom is that huge.  And there were some other plot holes, but still...Good movie.
    & nbsp; Hung out, ate icecream.  Chris...if you weren't so damn cool...I wouldn't talk to you.  Lol, jk.

Love and Regret is a killer.  So many things I regret from eighth grade...But, I. Loved. 8th. Grade.  Even though it hurt me so bad I gave the first go in a long time at dying....I loved it.  Because it made me realize how painful living is, and how intoxicating it really is.

Natalie Minas

P.s, I'm so not ready for orientation.  I hope to God someone I know is in my group.  And, if you see me in the halls, say hi to me...If you don't, I'm taking your legs. 
PPS, For football games, I'm thinking we could have a party at my house since I live so close.  Maybe?

I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve.  I can't walk alone ever again.  I can't defend myself well enough.  I look too vulnerable.  I should stay on streets I know. I should never give directions to a stranger.  This has happened too many fucking times.  There's something about me...it's all my fault.  For acting like this, I get what I deserve. 

Blame it on my clothing. Sure. Whatever.  It's all my fault.  Shit like this doesn't happen to a person 6 times.  It has to be me.  I have to be magnetic.
Please, someone, anybody, teach me something to defend myself.  I didn't know how to take my wrist back, I couldn't get my hand free...all I knew how to do was slap.  Jesus, train me or something...I can't keep on having these things fucking happen.

Natalie

Holy hot shit.
I may be angry. Pessimistic. Pissed off. Or sad...but either way...this needs to be said.

I never knew it was possible to stay on the phone for an hour holding up a DYING conversation, that could've been ended with six words.
I don't like you.  Good bye.

I said it as BLATANTLY AS I FUCKING COULD. BUT NO!!!!!! I HAVE FINALLY MET MY MATCH ON SOMEONE WHO IS EQUALLY AS FUCKING STUBBORN! SWEET SUCKABLE JESUS CHRIST!
    & nbsp; I don't know, maybe, just FUCKING MAYBE, I thought I'd get through with the words 'I don't like you and I wish to never speak to you again and I hope our friendship dies' Or, if that didn't hit the sweet spot, maybe 'If you were to die today, I would go through the rest of my life free of a burden, and knowing that it wouldn't be on my conscience.' OR! OR! OR! For those really desperate! 'I was your friend out of PITY'
    & nbsp; And, by jove people! I think I might have hitten a note in our beautifully stubborn person...'a break' Yea.  By the end of said Break, I will still feel the same.
I will not change.
I will still want this relationship as dead as Clark Gable.
I will still want you so out of my life that your name doesn't remind me of anything but a season.
I will still stick by EVERYTHING I SAID.  I WAS NOT LYING ON THE DAMN PHONE. THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
I will not be your friend out of pity....I made my mind up on that one.
I will hang-up if you call.
I will run if you see me.
I will try to stop all communication until everything dies down.
I will smile the day that I am a memory in your head.  Whether it be painful or happy...just a damn memory.
Because...that's all I've wanted to be for you since I found out.  Remember? When Jon always came and asked me the same damn question? And I gave the same damn answer?!  'Just to be a memory for her.'

 I have never been so distruaght/pppppissed off.

Holy Gee Fucking Moses...It was raining like no other mother today.  I got hungry at around 6, my dad didn't have food nor would he feed me, and I was hungry enough to suck my toes (not literally).  I walk to QFC, like I seem to do.  Then BAM! I'm caught in the middle of a rainstorm.  I started running back to my house, but lost my shoe along the way.  I get near my house, realized I was shoe-less, so run back to find my lost sandal.  I only have a windbreaker jacket on, so I'm officially drenched too.  I walk back to my house, not even bothering to run...and my dad's watching the storm from the porch.  He says that I can't come inside the house when I'm so soaked, and wants me to stay outside to dry off.
It's 50 degrees.
It's raining.
Dry off?! Yea...totally...that's possible...
I sit outside for a bit, then throw a rock at my sister's window so she'll open the back door.  When she does, I run through the backyard, and up the stairs at lightning speed.  Oh yea.  I had to get assistance to break into my own damn house because I wasn't let in.
It sucked.  I officially froze my tits off.
And I still had to find food for me to eat.

Love and this shouldn't be a break...this should just be the fucking end,
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp; Natalie Minas

Went to the State Fair
I'm gonna get a chicken if we can figure out how to dispose of it.  Sounds brutal, huh.
State Fair sucks.
Powerwashing and getting blisters and bruises might have been the highlight of my day.

Okay...Lush...seriously...I don't know where to begin.  You pissed me off so bad that I nearly threw up and broke my fists.  I was trying my hardest to fight the urge to go psycho on some dry wall since Mattie was there.
But, DAMN GIRL
I don't know what pissed me off first.  This is written after eleven pm *cue Natalie being badass* so it's gonna get rough.  But, hey, it may be me at my rawest...
    & nbsp;  So...here we go!  You don't seem to get that we DON'T CLICK.  AT ALL.  If you haven't noticed, we're opposites.  You cover your feelings because you think it's what we want to see (WHEN YOU'RE WRONG) and I tell everyone what's on my mind even if it hurts.  You're lush-y...I'm an asshole.  We're just such polar opposites it's hard to make a friendship work.  So if I happen to stop talking to you, or make attempts to...it's because...maybe...you might be more trouble than you're worth.
Not that I hate you.
Or that you're a burden.
But when I'm on the verge of tears, gagging, trying to restrain my hands...That's not exactly friendship.  You're great...you're wonderful...you're just not meant for me. 
    & nbsp;  And, if you think that you're the one who should be cursing me out, telling me how bad I am for hurting you...I'm giving you 48 hours.  You do your worst, and we'll see where that gets us.
You being balls-out might save our relationship

Mattie and I had fun baking...not.  The mood went down when I crumpled in a corner, ready to spill my veggies that I ate for dinner.  It only got worse when she found out how bad my mom and I are, and the whole dad situation came up.
once again...I WANT A DAMN DAD! I DON'T CARE IF HE BEATS ME UP OR CALLS ME A DISGRACE EVERY MOMENT I'M CONSCIOUS...I WANT A FUCKING FATHER.  ONE TO HOLD ME WHEN I'M SCARED, AND WALK ME DOWN THE AISLE...TO CALL ME HIS PRINCESS!!! OKAY?! i'M NOT GOING TO DROP-KICK MY DAD LIKE HE DID ME, BECAUSE I BELIEVE HE MIGHT CHANGE SOME DAY.
there...now that that's out...if anyone asks this question again, I'm smacking you.

And I was lost for words in your arms.  Attempting to make sense of my aching heart.  If I could just be everything and everyone to you, this life would just be so easy.  Not enough time for all that I want for you.  Not enough time for every kiss.  And every touch and all the nights I wanna be beside you.  In our fight against the end, and I was lost for words in your arms.  Attempting to make sense of my aching heart.  If I could just be everything and everyone to you.  Not enough time for all that I want for you.  Not enough time for every kiss.  Not enough time for all my love.  Not enough time for every touch

September 6th is where this will end...Boy, I'm hoping to God that I'm a liar.

Sappy girl moment of the day:

XXXXXXXXXXX: okay. And just for the record, few girls in westview are prettier than you are.
Teenymonkee: Awww...you're such a sweetheart
XXXXXXXXXXX: Nahh...just sayin' what is true. And if they were prettier than ya, there's no way in hell they'd be nicer than you. ^_^ don't sell yourself short.
XXXXXXXXXXX: ^_^ Rest well, my queen!

Oooh...someone has a way with the ladies...;)

Love and SWEET SUCKABLE JESUS!
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;    natalie 'You got 48 hours' Minas

Okay, here's my day at GOD-SPEED because I'm getting tired.  (Woah...tired...natalie? NO WAY! But, for real folks, I'm actually tired now a-days...Living on a mostly empty stomach at night effin' rules)

Got hair cut to shoulder length. Ehh...it's okay...I'm thinking about going shorter next time..
Mattie picked out my outfit, because I'm a barbie doll?
Movie time
Movie blew
Andy's a sweetheart, and Mike's got nice arm muscles
I play an EXTREEEEEEEME game of The House of The Dead 3 (I think) And I kicked some ass.  I lasted for a total one minute and 20 seconds.
Power-washed the side-walk, and parts of my legs. Jesus, that hurt...it's gonna bruise
Talked with Mattie while laying like a lesbian on her sidewalk.  And, her mom tickled my armpit...that's just...weird...Lol.  My mom doesn't tickle me.  Yet hers does...NO FAIR!

My dad decides not to call me.
Ever.
HE fucking wanted this 'law' that the custody courts made to pertain to my life.  Basically, I can only talk to the parent who I'm not with on the phone for less than an hour a night on tuesdays, thursdays, and sundays.
So...he doesn't call. Ever.  Okay, that's cool.  Ya know, I don't want to talk to his sorry ass anyways.  But, if you atleast drag me to that house because you want me, you could talk to me.  You could show an interest in my life, and not try to control it.  Excuse me for wanting more than a dad when it's convenient to him.

My mom and I are dis-agreeing.  A whole lot.  Over everything, too.  It's pissing me off because, once again, I am changing!!!  My clothes, my friends, who I like, what I want to do...everything will start a tiff.
Or, maybe it's just me.  Maybe I'm the one making all the problems.  I bet I am....

Love and Awwww...you're so cute when you talk to me like that,
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;     Natalie Minas

Lush-->
We're goin' down, Sugar.  I can't tolerate you, and you're going after the wrong person.  We CLASH. Can't you see that?  You're too cowardly and weak, and I'm too pig-headed to understand.  You had to leave, I would've told you this, but...
I will ALWAYS be this way.  There will be NO hope of me changing.  If this hurts you now, it will hurt ten-fold later.  I change, but not into something NICER. 

I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you so far.  In the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.  Back home, off the run, singing songs that make you slit your wrists.  It isn't that much fun staring down a loaded gun.  So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying, if you want I'll keep on crying.  Did you get what you deserve?  Is this what you always want me for?

Okay, here's the epitome of evil:

AT in N230 with Cooper
Desktop Publishing in N130 with Fisher
Chemistry in S223 with Moore
Health in A DAMN PORTABLE 1 with Post
Geometry in A DAMN PORTABLE 6 with Casteel
Spanish 2 in N115 with Thomspon *twitch*
Global Study in N119 with Lefor
Lit & Comp in N120 with Eichman
Advisory in N223 with Dickson

As you can see, my classes blow.  I don't know where they are, they're in a portable, and I only have math with leslie and spanish with James.  Soo...if you have ANY class with me, or might even have a chance of a class with me TELL ME. 

I walked to Westview four times today.  It was grand.  I watched the marching band a whole helluva lot, and it almost makes me want to join.  And makes me miss playing sax...but then I remember that I hate the instrument and everyone hates marching band.  Although people were kick ass tan. 
    & nbsp;  I found my locker (in under 4 minutes, btw) and some of my classes while I was down there one time.  It's really depressing walking around those halls alone.

    & nbsp;

My knees are about to buckle with stress and panic about highschool.  P.S, All of you Westview-onians better be meeting me for the first football game.

Nat

Okay, this will be mostly irrational, angry girl stuff...But today had it's bright points.  1)Hot guys at orientation.  *Cough* SVEN!!!!! *cough* 2) I saw Val, gave her flowers, and, she works the sunburned look like no other.

But, mainly, today blew. 
Woke up at 7 am, took a shower, found out my sister's friends were in the house.  Who the hell comes over at 7 am?!  Anyways, they were there raping foosball tables and being obnoxious, and then they left to their orientation.  I stayed and made myself look acceptable, then watched Gone With The Wind.  I seriously want Clark Gable as my husband, lol.  Walked to Westview, saw Sven and Chris...Sven looks good...So does Chris...but not as good as Sven...We talk, I get too damn hot so I iwalk back to my house to change to shorts.  Walk back, cut about 293057 people to get with Sven and Chris, then get my forms.  Walk around, looking for people I knew.  Saw Shayla, Leslie, Yohan, then Mike.  Talk with all of them for a bit then go in and get my schedule.  My pic looks like I have a brain problem, my schedule FUCKING BLOWS.  And all the lines were TOO GODDAMN LONG AND I WAS BY MYSELF.  I'll put my schedule in here once I go downstairs to get it, but it's 11, and I don't want to.  So, back to being pissed off, I have Thompson for spanish.  THAT WOMAN GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING TWICE, HAS HAD SEIZURES AND TUMORS AND IS DAMN CRAZY! I HAVE THAT CLASS WITH JAMES! AND THAT IS THE ONLY FUCKING CLAsS I HAVE WITH MY FRIENDS (that I know of) I FUCKING HATE THIS! THIS IS WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF PEOPLE! GROWING APART! nOT HAVING THE SAME CLASsES! lOSING TOUCH!
ANd don't say we won't lose touch, because we will. oh, we will.  You'll find another girl to fill in the void where I left.  And I won't even be remembered.  Try to tell me differently, Try lying to me about this. YOU KNOW IT"S GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN!  I'm so goddamn scared that I'm about to pop a capillary in my fucking eye.
    & nbsp; Get schedule, find lovker (o276) Lose locker. Find locker. Lose locker. Have a race with Mike's mom to see how fast I can find my locker, (4 DAMN MINUTES) and then walk around and find my classes.  Most of my classes are in the North Cluster.  I 'm looking for class S223, and I start crying.  I'm the only one walking in those hallways, and it's too big, and too lonely, and I realized this is what it's going to be like.  No more old friends...we're all seperated.  Sure, we'll 'keep in touch'  See each other ONCE A DAMN MONTH.  IT won't be like it was in Middleschool.  WHERE I HAD EVERY DAMN CLASS WITH YOU PEOPLE! AND I DEPEND ON YOU! AND i"M TOO WEAK TO sTAND ON MY OWN AND I NEED YOU! OKAY?! I SAID IT! I AM WEAK! I DO CRY! AND I DO WANT YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!
    & nbsp;  Walk around, cry a little bit, start having a panic attack.  Then find Mattie, I show her my locker, then she leaves to go take a shower. I walk back, find Mike, compare schedules with him, and we don't have any classes together.  Just fucking dandy.  It's going to be hard getting through the day without seeing him make obscene tongue gestures and being caught by Mr. Doyle....But it'll be even harder not having a fucking class with Mattie. At, fucking, all. 
And, what's even worse is, we're already growing apart.  Not mattie and I, but everyone else.  I couldn't find things to say when I was talking to Yohan or to Mike.  I sat there and was about to let my tongue fall out of my mouth and go Durrrrrr.  I don't know what happened, but i couldn't think of anything to say or a topic.
Way to lose common ground and interest with your FUCKING BEST FRIENDS!

Finally leave school, after being there from like 11:40.  And get even more pissed off walking home because I took off my sandals and was walking bare foot and got burns on my feet.  There's blisters and it hruts really fucking badly and I want to lop my legs off. I sit and stew in my damn anger for a bit, then get up and go hang with Mattie.
We make jello.
I drink my dinner, and then go hang out with her and get her schedule.
BIG FUCKING DISSAPOINTMENT! AND SHE SIGNED UP FOR ART! AND I DDIN"T! WHY?! BECAUSE MY SISTER SAID THE ART TEACHER SUCKED!  AND NOW I"M REGRETTING IT LIKE FUCKING HELL BECAUSE I HATE MY OTHER CLAsSES!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMN ME AND MY LISTENING!!!!!!!! I'M TAKING ART NEXT SEMESTER, AND YOU PEOPLE BETTER TAKE IT WITH ME.
We find out that Kelly is in the same math class as me (she's a sophmore...And brilliant.  A complete genius...not.) Walk back to my house, go to Val's, come back, eat some jello, then go home with her.  the jello and Diet Dr Pepper I had got to my stomach and I start doing the gross thing.
FUCK YOU GOD! OKAY! JUST LET ME THROW UP AND GET IT ALL OUT ON THE FIRST TRY! DON"T GIVE ME THIS FUCKING SEA-SICKNESS AND DANCE AROUND WHETHER I'LL THROW UP OR NOT! JUST LET ME DO IT AND BE ON MY FUCKING MERRY WAYT! BECAUSE IT HRUTS! IT HURTS REALLY BAD SITTING THERE WITH SO MUCH NAEUSEA THAT BILE IS COMING OUT OF YOUR EYEBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We sit and talk, then she walks me home because I'm scared (Yea, big FUCKING pansy right here)
And, it's abig hit on my ego to say this,

But you people are right...I think.  Not eating meat might be making me sick.  I am so severely iron deficient and protein deficient that my body might be in shock.  And that could be part of the reason why I'm throwing up.  I don't remember the last time I ate a piece of meat, and maybe it's because the deficiencies are fucking with my mind.  I can save 95 animals a year not eating meat, but I'm sacrificing my health.  I'm sticking to not eating meat because it's on biblical level with me, but I can't continue donig this.  I'm going to fucking die.  It's a sick cycle, and I"M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!

We talk about what my choices are, and yea, I'm scared. Not because of the dark.  Just for me.  What path I'm taking that could lead to dangerous consequences.  Hell, i won't mask the truth, I'm killing myself at a painful rate.  More like my body is deciding to kill myself.  It won't let me  eat, and the one food group that might help me regain the ability to stomach food is fucking gross.
it's a double edged sword.  betray your beliefs and be healthy, or be sick and feel proud.

GOD FUCKING HATES ME BECAUSE I"M A BAD FUCKING PERSON! I'm so angry that I'll rip someone's testicles off. Seriously.  I don't think I've been this pissed since...last week...

FUCK YOU,
Natalie minas

After I eat any amount of food, I feel queasy and my stomach starts to contract as if I'm about to hurl.
Which, sometimes, I do.
    & nbsp; When I cry.  When I'm stressed.  When I'm angry.  When I'm nervous, it's the same feeling...except worse.
Because I always hurl.

    & nbsp;  Mattie and I walked to Bethany Village and I got a Starbucks drink; my stomach didn't like it.  The only thing I had had to eat that day was a piece of bread and a tablespoon of honeyat 10, and it was about 5 pm.  I start spitting up whatever was left in my stomach and feel like shit.  Then when we get home, I figure I'll eat as much crap as I can, figuring I'll throw it up anyways.  I manage a half a sandwich, small bag of M&M's, and some icecream.  That hurt like no other mother...I was curled up in a chair and forcefully pushing on my stomach.  It seemed like the right thing to do at that time.  The queasiness goes away for a bit while I'm curled in the ball, but I start moving and then I want to faint or die. 
    & nbsp; My dad drops mattie off at her house and me at my mom's, and I just throw up so I'll stop feeling so low.  And my mom walks in the house.

That was fun...
We talk for a bit, then Mattie calls, and wants me to go over to talk.  I sense something bad is up, but I can't run out of the house when my mom is giving me a bulemia talk.  I tell mattie I'll be over in 15 minutes, which turns into about 30 minutes.  My mom says that she'll look in to doctors that could help me.  'Help me'.  I don't need any fucking help.  Specially if this 'help' involves sewing the valves that go from my stomach to my mouth shut.  She said that I'd go to a eating disorder counselor, or a psychiatrist for my nerves, or to the hospital so they could manually shut down the organ that triggers your gag reflex.
Sounds cool, huh?!  Just what I fucking need...More doctors or more surgery.

I start getting pissed off because it seems that all these fucking eating and emotional problems go hand in hand, and always come around on a DAMN CYCLE.  This will be my fucking second go at bulemia, and second at anorexia.  It's not for my weight or looks this time...Hell, I'm not even doing anything.  I do not want this to happen.  I do not enjoy throwing up.  I do not enjoying starving myself so I won't have any food in my stomach to throw up.  There...happy people?! So now you know that I'm not trying to do this on purpose.  And, all the punching shit and crying over my past comes right before eating problems.  If you noticed, when I was healthy, I NEVER cried.  and I NEVER hit something because I was.
Time to head to mattie's to see if she still wants to talk.
    & nbsp;  I walk over there, and start crying.  I curse at 'God' (or who ever thinks this is funny) and tell him he's a bastard.  I stop half way between her house and mine, at an electrical box, and curl up in a ball.  I yell about how unfair this is, that I shouldn't have to throw up just to calm my nerves, and then I start spitting up stomach acid...which burns really badly, just in case you wanted to know.  I start walking to Mattie's house again, figuring I'll try and take my mind off of my fucking stomach (which doesn't work).  I ring her doorbell, it's like 9:10, and there's tears still in my eyes and my voice is choked from crying.  She's in trouble, and can't talk because she's supposed to be in bed at 9, and I struggle keeping everything in.  Which is harder than it seems...heh...trying to keep a mouthful of stomach acid, heart full of tears and hands full of rage controlled...
    & nbsp;  She says bye and I try to say bye, but my voice cracks.  I give myself brownie points for wearing my glasses so she can't see me crying, and run off to the side of her lawn.  I make it just past the fence, and start crying and gagging.

I walk home, and break into my back yard to sit on the trampoline for abit.  I don't want my mom to see me like this, and I don't want to talk to anybody.  I look at the stars and cry to myself, damning God and whoever decided I should be given this punishment.  And, ofcourse, blaming me for being stupid and for crying in the first place.
It was a half hour of pure Natalie hate...beautiful...

This, people, is why I am never meant to have children, and was never meant to live.

I want to kick myself for crying about me throwing up, when all the animals are dying...but, hey, that's just my crazy side taking over.
But, still, this isn't too bad of a problem compared to being scalded alive, or having your neck slashed when yo're still conscious.

It's 9:22 am, I woke up at 7 and went to go take a shower.  I walk out, and there are about 6 of my sister's friends in the house.  my first thoughts were, who the fuck comes over at 7 am, and why are they here.
Then I remember, ORIENTATION DAY! YAHA!
    & nbsp;  I get a little nervous, but start thinking about shower soaps so I don't throw up.  i'm cool, huh...

Well, I'll go fill out my registration form thing, and then see all you Westview-onians there.  If you read this before 1 pm, I'll be sitting out at the front of the school on one of those posts...I'm not walking into that school alone.

Love and I love my digestive system,
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;    Natalie

I'm feeling the good veg vibes right about now, so I put up the PETA video.  Watch it, even if you think I'm psycho for seriously not shutting up about this, it's the brutal truth.
And I like it.
Some of those images scared me so bad I wouldn't eat any type of animal made product for three days.   So, I was one of those crazazy (but completely respected) vegans.  Fun.  But, alas, I'm just trying to get you people TO SEE how horrible it really is.  And what a species goes through for your enjoyment.

*Cue you watching video*

Can you say you want to eat a hot dog now?  After seeing a pig being stoned? Or seeing it's neck slit?

Coming back to OR tomorrow, be ready for this.
Love and Chicken has shit in it, haha.
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   Natalie Minas

I was going to post my entire journal on the internet.  But, why?  You people won't care, and neither will anyone else.  This is the only entry that has any value:
    & nbsp; I don't do enough in my life.  Sure, I've voiced my opinions (rather loudly, I might add) to anyone who could listen, and I've wrote to the President, wrote papers, and boy-cotted the fast food industry.
That's not enough.
    & nbsp;  What if I give the energy I use in trying to look pretty, or trying to way under my BMI in to saving the rain forest?  Or into giving a voice for animals?  Would it do something?  Would I finally be able to accept myself?
    & nbsp; What if I stopped worrying that I wear a size 5 instead of 0, and that Michael will never love me enough, and Summer will always love me too much?  I could be contributing to society.  I know I'm just a hick from Buckeye with big teeth and small breasts, but I do have vocal chords.  I could be on a street corner screaming for the animals that can't.  
    & nbsp; Dreams are only for the hopeful.  I'm no longer hopeful, I'm determined.  I'd rather die at 14 knowing that I saved an animal, or a mile of the rainforest than live until 85, dancing through life.
    & nbsp;  It's been eating at me that my voice goes only as far as I can scream.  I realize my thoughts of changing the world are as realistic as trying to build a house with a tooth-pick, but maybe someone with a louder voice will run across me. 
     Why is it that 1 in 3 adults are obese, yet no one changes?  Why do kids spend their life in front of a TV when they have the ability to start something?  How come America tries to control the world when we can't educate our children?  I spent a good amount of time looking in the mirror at 4 am, and all I saw was a fat, ugly girl with a negligent father and a troubled past.  But someone else could see the change of the world in me.  Hell, animals don't care what my weight is or what I look like, they just need me as a voice. 
    & nbsp;  Is it more than a coincidence that traitor rhymes with liberator?  Why do the brave souls who denounce our president, or our country get kicked out?  Wasn't the US built on the ideals of FREEDOM?!  How come the truth is always convenient and popular?  Why are people so blind as to what is really out there?!  Why do people single-mindedly follow the word of a man nailed to a cross when the real revelations and answers to the evolution of our Earth lie in a text-book?  Does anyone see the horror in erasing a group of people because 'God' told someone to start their genocide?  Our society is a flock of sheep following a book that doesn't have the beginning to half the answers.  Religion is for those who were too weak to stand by themself and weren't strong enough to help themselves through hardships.  Maybe it's my grudge against "God" of maybe it's my extremely hardened outlook on life, but I can't bring myself to worship a man who says we've sinned before we've spoke our first word.  And it doesn't help that the whole cult-ish vibe I get from churches makes my skin crawl.
    & nbsp;  Why did Mr. Doyle tell me I belong in Aushwitz once I voiced my enthusiasm for euthanizing the elderly and terminally ill?  I'm tired of seeing our society rape the Earth.
    & nbsp;  Maybe it's just me trying to grow up too fast, or maybe I've really hit something.  I can't change the world by myself, but I can change aspects of it.  Call me stupid and stubborn for never letting up on this, but the process of slaughtering and consuming meat needs to STOP.  I'm not looking the next generation in the eye and saying I killed the rainforest because I like flesh.  i'm not going to sit still while McDonalds turns us into drones on its McWorld.  How come I'm brutal for wanting to kill humans the way we do animals?  Do I belong with Hitler bcause the over-population of our Earth is getting unbearable and I vote to change it?!  If so, I'll bear the Swastika and goose-step with pride.  Hell, I'm three inches from a pill bottle so there'll be more room in the world.  Call me close-minded, challenge me on the subject...I dare you.  I've been kept in a muzzle for too long because of fear of rejection in my life.  i won't be silent any longer.
    & nbsp;  I'm not aiming to change the world (although I'll attempt to) I'm striving to be heard and remembered.  I don't need to go down in the history books as a radical, or a saint.  Just for someone to say, "Natalie minas?  That crazy one who never shut up about slaughterhouses?  Yea...I remember her.  She started something...." I don't care if that something was getting the middle-aged man to skip the hamburger, or the woman to pass on the fur coat, just SOMETHING.  I want someone to see that we're killing ourselves quicker than any terrorist could.
    & nbsp;   I don't want to be the president, the pope, or the queen; I want to be the start of a commotion.  Maybe if I shout until I cry about the atrocities commited to a species that is 'lesser' than us, I could get my point across.  And, someone please tell me why they are deemed less important.
    & nbsp;   I'm getting out of OR once I'm legal.  I don't know where I'll be going, but I'll be getting out of a town with too many restraints and too much of a past.  My quest used to be for love.  Used to be to have a home, a husband, and kids.  Now I see that a home is for those afraid to fly, a husband could only beat me up and keep me tied, and kids..I could educate my kids.  Teach them not to be silent, and maybe they'd pass on their knowledge to somone else.  That would start the commotion...Maybe, ya know, just maybe, I wasn't meant for love.  I wasn't supposed to fall in love, and no one was supposed to fall for me.  It makes sense though, doesn't it?  I can spread my word easier this way....I'll be free of restrictions and changing something.  Who cares if I'm flying solo?  I'll be flying free.
    & nbsp; All of this makes me angry enough to cry or die.  And, by jove, I'll do both in the name of PETA.  I'm printing fliers about KFC Torture, and making sign up sheets.  If anything I have said struck a nerve in you, or has made you want to help me scream for the mute, then talk to me.  I'm organizing a small protest, and the louder the voice, the stronger the reaction.
    & nbsp; And, yes, this was written to piss you off and threaten your beliefs.  I want you to learn for yourself.  I don't know if anything I've said has lifted the blinders put on us by society, but maybe I've shifted them.

Love and I'm standing on West Union handing out fliers and screaming until the police haul me away as a heretic,
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   Natalie 'I'll start something' Minas.

I spent a couple nights sleepless thinking about a bunch of stuff....and realized that this diary is pointless.  No one will read it, no one will care, and no one will be affected by it.  But, because tradition is like a leech, this is the synopsis of my NY trip, and the next three days of it:

Day 1) Got in.  Checked in to hotel.  Ate. Times Square. Slept (not).
Day 2)Museum of Modern Art. Dior.  Gucci. Prada. Tiffany's.  Saks.  Prostitutes. Sexual harrasist (wow...one in every goddamn city...) Family fighting.
Day 3) Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Macy's.  Walked around Manhattan.  Saw WICKED on Broadway.
Day 4) ...The day of this post.... Guggenheim Museum.  Macy's (again).  Bloomingdales.  Roberto Cavalli.  Subway Fun (not).  H & M. Family fighting.  Central park.
Day 5) More shopping!!! (Holy shit...I'm a girl, and I hate shopping now) Jewish Museum (Oh My Synagogue...this wasn't my choice...) Uptown Manhattan
Day 6) Times Square (again).  Brooklyn.  Bus Tour.  Since God hates me, more shopping.
Day 7)PHANTOM OF THE OPERA PLAY ON BROADWAY! JUST FOR YOU VAL! Natural History Museum.
Day 8 ) A whole lot of something until 4 when we head to Chicago.

Something very big for you guys is on the horizon.....Natalie is evolving even further.

Love and NY is BIG (haha,Andy)
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp; Nat

New Vid:  Fine Again by Seether.  Highschool's coming up, things are starting to wind down...I found this song rather appropriate.  It also helps that Shaun Morgan's a sexy bitch.

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…

I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

    & nbsp;   It's around 11, and I'm gonna be on a plane to the other side of the country in about 7 hours.  Cool. Not.
    & nbsp;  Like always, I'll keep another diary.  Damn, my journal has like 40 pages filled with my vacations this summer.  I'm gonna miss you all....Haha..LIES!  Jk.  I'm in a oddly happy mood, maybe it's the euphoria before my downfall.

    & nbsp;  Summer is ending in a very short amount of time, and I'm pissed off.  My tennis ended today, so I'm finally free to be lazy.  BUT NO! The day it ends, I'm off to NY, and I can't be lazy over there because I'm going to about 239757 museums.
Things I Want To Do Before Summer Ends:
1)Sleep the entire day with the help of many sedatives
2)Stay all day at Bethany Village with no agenda
3)See the Furbs one more time (him and I are scheduling plans...SO BE READY)
4)Drink one of those fandango green tea frappuccinos
5)Sit half-way between QFC and my house for the entire day.
6)Clean my room.  (Mattie and Pookie, shut up.  It's not clean.)

Right, so, I'm gone for 7 days, bitches.  Try not to miss me too much, lol.  Jus' playing.  I love you, and I hope that this last official week of summer (before we get our schedules) goes completely abfab for you.

Love and I'M GONNA SEE THE DAMN MOMA! AND I'M GONNA BE IN HEAVEN!
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;    Nat

Lush...I give up.  I can't do this anymore than you can.

It's 8:48 am, I'm just about to leave for my dad's house.
I, once again, have that emotional hang over....
Half the things I did, and said last night...I didn't mean.  I'm sorry for being an ass, but that's all I can say.

I slept four hours.  I have tennis.  Great.

I apologize for all my short-comings, and being a bitchy/whiny/irrat ional/stubborn dipshit, 
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; natalie

Don't read this if you happen to be in any state of a good mood:

It's late, and I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I'm crying.  The only reason i can continue to cry is because God hates me and continues to FUCKING TORMENT ME by not letting my tear ducts die.  I'm bitter, I'm jealous, I'm hurt, I'm ashamed, I have finally realized how goddamn bad I am.  No...i haven't just realized...it was shoved painfully in my fcace again.
    & nbsp;   Apparently, I'm massochistic.  Not in the cutting way, but in the fact that I need your hatred. i feed off it.  I'm horrible.  Goddamnit.  WHY DO YOU EVEN PUT UP WITH ME ANYMORE?! WHY?!!?!?! I BRING MORE HURT THAN I'M WORTH!!!! And when I'm placed in goddamn situations like this, I understand why people call me a bitch.  I want to tell you all to not put up with me...to just lynch me while you have the chance...but you wouldn't.  I want Lush to hate me because I need to feel her pain. i need to know what I put Lush through.  I don't know why, but I DO!  I want Ass to stop being so FUCKING DUMB! AND MAKE UP HIS GODdAMN MIND!  I want his affection, but know that I can't have it.
I'm not good enough, now am I?

Lush-
    & nbsp; We're stuck.  Most painfully stuck.  I don't know what to do, and you don't know what to do.  I love you but I can't give you what you need.  You love me and it's killing you.  I won't change because I don't know how, and you can't change because you're incapable.  All I want is the best for you.  the FUCKING best.  Becuase the way I treat you shouldn't be legal.  I can bash on myself all night for being a bitch, and it'd be a broken record on repeat.  You can apologize for 'doing this to me', or state that you'd never be able to hate me...but it wouldn't change.
We can't do anything.  At all.  We're so goddamn glued to the floor...and any choice would lead in to more pain.  You know, I want to stab you so you'd stop hurting...but I want you to come crying to me so I know that hurt.  And I want to shoot myself for being bad.  None of this is your fault, because you never did anything wrong.  It was me who never knew what to do.

I could write for hours on what I've done wrong, how I want to fix it, how I'm ashamed I hurt you, and how I will continue doing so...but I thought I could let one of my favorite songs sum it up for you...
my feelings for you to a beautiful melody:

Come on just say it,
You need me like a bad habit,
One that gives you the interest of indepth and love.
Come on just say it (Are you afraid to),
You need me like a bad habit (Say what you want to, tell me you want to),
One that gives you the interest of indepth and love (Are you afraid to say what you want to, tell me you want to).

Well I hold my tongue use it to assess,
The damage from way back when it mattered,
But nothing seems important anymore,
We’re just protecting ourselves from our self,
And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down,
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down,
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down,
I don’t think I’ll ever come back…
Are you ashamed to say what you want to tell me you want to.
Are you ashamed to say what you want to tell me you want to.
(Come on just say it) Are you ashamed to (Come on just say it) say what you want to tell me you want to.
(Come on just say it) Are you ashamed to (Come on just say it) say what you want to tell me you want to.
I’m making the difference,
It just seems pointless,
Well I’ll be obvious,
That’s got out of focus,
Why can’t you just be happy,
Why can’t you just be happy.
And I don’t think I’ll ever come back down,
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down,
I don’t think I’ll ever come back down,
I don’t think I’ll ever come back... 
Just come on just say it,
Come on just say it,
Well I’ll just say it,
I’ll just say it,
I need you defenseless, dependent and alone.
She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
In case you live without the intention,
In case you live without the intention.
She says live up to your first impression,
Well my best side was your worst invention,
In case you live without the intention,
In case you live without the intention.

If I said I love you...would you believe me? 
Because, you know, you should.

Ass-
    & nbsp; I want to punch you so hard you'll bleed for hours.  I want to cry because you hurt me with everything you said about the Other Thing.  I want to yell at you for hurting her.  And I want to know why we changed.  I still think you're a shame-less, moral-less, worthless whore.
So...someone pick the quality that makes me still love you?
    & nbsp; How could you be so fucking cold as to suggest I just drop-kick her?  Do you think that would work?  honestly?  You wouldn't know the first thing about loving someone till it hurts.  You always back out right before it comes to getting serious.  Hell...didn't you happen to do that with me?  You lead someone on, and then drop them.  Call it your reasons, but it's plain as night and day to me.  I tried to explain that you don't understand the depth of this, that you thought alienating myself would work.  BUT IT DOESN'T!  Try loving someone so much that it hurts to breathe, and then having them tell you to back the fuck away.  Would you have ANY idea how much that would hurt? Would you?!?! No...you wouldn't. Because you never give in that far.
    & nbsp;  And you hurt a great girl, and I fucking hate you for that.  It doesn't help your case that your reasons were FUCKED...You were first 'unofficially together' and then you were 'together'.  So which is it, bud?!  Were you just all over her without being called a boyfriend, or did you actually have enough dignity to assume said title.  You said you were trying to stop her from getting hurt...FUCKING REALIZE THAT BEFORE YOU JUMP HEAD FIRST INTO THE WATER!  Don't you realize you did the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING to me?!  Do you have a plan of doing this to every other girl you meet in highschool?  Da te her once or twice, cut her off, start kissing and hugging and then drop her again?  IS THIS SOME SICK POWER GAME?!?!
    & nbsp; And I still want to yell and scream at you, but it'd never work.  YOu'd keep giving your horrible caustic solutions, and I'd still be ...well...crying.  maybe it's God's sense of humor that makes me love you; maybe he's a sadist.  Or maybe it's me being dumb.  You told me straight to my face that you loved her, and I still follow you around making those dumb googly eyes.  It has to be something changing, becuase you resemble nothing of the Ass I used to know.  The thing that still gets me the most is the way you say goodnight...you used to be one who'd make it a point to say something sweet, or to make sure I had a smile on my face, or to wrap your leg around mine...Yea. I changed.  FUCK THIS.  WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN FUCKING WRONG AND WANT TO CUT MY OWN LEGS OFF EVERY TIME I HAVE THE URGE TO SAY I LOVE YOU?!  IS IT BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S TRUE?! oR IS IT BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DONT FEEL THE SAME.

To top matters off,
I think I seriously might have a problem.  Yea, laugh all you want to at the irony of this...but I'm not even joking.

I get nervous, or stressed, or angry, or sad, or any VERY strong emotion...I puke.  I don't know why; it's bad.  I used to have a problem with bulemia, I won't lie, but it shouldn't have scarred me like this.
    & nbsp; I can't cry without having to throw up, and it's starting to get to the point where it's hard to handle.  And when an all SHIT OUT EMOTION FEST, like tonight happens, I throw up too much. 
Jesus, I didn't eat breakfast this morning, I ate a slice of cake and some juice after the movie...and it just didn't work.  First my organs were starting to hurt from having to work to process food after such a long time, and then I nearly threw up because my stomach didn't handle the food.  Mattie thought I was crazy because I was close to puking all over my pantry floor, and I didn't wnat her to see it.
WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! DOES ANYBODY ELSE GET SO SAD, OR SO STRESSED THAT THEY HAVE TO LOSE WHATEVER AMOUNT OF FOOD THEY WERE ABLE TO HOLD?!??!  Several months ago I would've been happy to have this type of problem..but NOT NOW! Okay people?! You heard it! I DO NOT FUCKING ENJOY THIS.
    & nbsp;  And I would've been starting fist fights versus fences tonight but I was too weak from lack of food to move! I'm starting to cry harder realizing this knowledge, but it's okay...nothing left to push back out.  I thought, hey, maybe not eating anything for a bit would force my stomach to settle down, I wouldn't throw up that way! BUT! NO! GOD HAS TO FUCKING TAKE THIS STUPID REVENGE ON ME!!! You want to know what I ate today?! A slice of cake, a yogurt, and juice...MY STOMACH CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE THAT!

I'M TOO FUCKING UPSET TO BE ABLE TO HOLD FOOD!  WHY IS THAT?!  WHAT IS WRONG?!?!?! 

PLEASE GOD! LET ME GIVE IN TONIGHT OR DIE!!!!  I've been asking for a coma, just so I could stop all this shit that's going on, but you can't listen.
You shouldn't listen. I don't deserve you.

I always look on the dark side.  Since I ws 3, I have.  But it's hard to find a bright light when you cry yourself to sleep.  Or when you're forced to live with someone who screams and yells.  I'm pessimistic, okay?!  YOu give me a bright light!  YOU SHOW ME SOMETHING GOOD?!  OKAY! AND MAYBE! I'LL BELIEVE YOU!!!!!!!!

Christopher Allen Thurheimer.  I love you with all my heart...you've been there since the start, and even though i didn't want you at the start.  i'm glad I do now.  I love you for your imperfections, even though they're not imperfections to me.  I love you for being Chris.  I love you for having the same twisted, ruthless view on life of me and for being everything I've ever wanted.  I was worried about everyone losing touch in highschool, but I don't worry with you.  Because I know you'll be there...and I know that if 3 a.m, life gets too tough for me, you'll be awake too.  We've been through fucking EVERYTHING together....and I'm blessed to know you.  I never particularly believed in god-given guardians until I met you.

'Idk if i ever thought about this but i could die tomorrow. you could die tomorrow. And i just wanna say i love you, not because we're friends. but because you dont live your life like everybody else. Your not like other girls. your just... i cant put my finger on it. There is just something that makes me crazy when i have to go a day without talking to you. I say this alot but still not enough. I love you natalie'

I love you Chris.

I want to hear someone else hurting...so i know it's not jsut me.  That's why I want Lush to yell at me.  There...I put my finger on it...i want you to hurt so I know i'm not alone.  Even though you're hurt is ten-fold of what mine is, I just want to know.

Ah, god, Please...Coma...paralysis...leperacy....anything.  Just end my excuse for hurting everyone.

There was a meteor shower on Thursday night.  And if you didn't get the chance to see it....you really missed out on something.
    & nbsp;  It was from around 1 am until dawn, and I saw almost all of it.  It was about sub-arctic temperatures outside, and I got the bright idea in my head to sleep out on the trampoline.  I load up on two sets of clothing, three jackets, four blankets, a sleeping bag, and a sweatshirt.  My ass was still effectively an ass-cube. 
    & nbsp;   But it was amazing...my sister came out to watch until about 1:30, and we had 'sister bonding'.  We were talking about boys, what we want to do before we die, where we want to live...hopes, dreams, fears.  It was nice.  I'm not sure how else to put this, but, I love her.  And I'm not saying that because she's my sister and I'm obligated...I love her because she'll listen, and she's my opposite.  Every quality that I lack, she has ten times the amount I need...we balance. 
And I need that.

After she went in, I was by myself.  It was dark, and cold, and lonely, and scary...but I couldn't go in.  Nature doesn't scare Natalie.  I let my fears get the best of me for several minutes, but settle down to focusing on the sky.  The meteors are flying a little slower now, but there's a bright flash every so often.   My brain starts wandering, and once my toes lost all feeling, I focus on what's going on in my life.
    & nbsp;  What's going to happen to me in four years?  What if I can't make the right decisions in highschool?  Why am I always on some useless quest to find a non-existant love when I could be doing my part to stop the slaughter of helpless animals?  When I grow up, and I can't fulfill my dreams of being an anesthesiologist because I faint so easily...what will I do?  What if I can't pass college?  What if my kids are dumb....what if my kids are hemopheliacs?  What if my husband beats me?  What happens when our love dies?   What if I can't get over the speed bumps that were placed in my childhood?  What if I break one day because I've been holding everything in...who will pick up the pieces?  And how come the person that will answer this, and say they'll be there to pick up the pieces, how come that doesn't mean anything to me?  Why can't I be graceful?  Why do I never make the right decisions?
    & nbsp;  I'm a child, essentially.  You spend one day with me...see how juvenile I am.  Christ, I was throwing spoons up in the air for bats for a half hour because it was entertaining.  I still dig for bugs, and bike around the neighborhood looking for road-kill.  You give me a bucket of play-doh and a knife and I won't need anything else.  I'm 14...and this is the time when I go to highschool, and enter a whole different ball park.  I buckle under pressure, I'm a stressed out freak, I can't handle failure...what will become of me once I reach AP Biology?  What happens if I get a B?  Will I try to shoot myself with a flare gun?  What if the demands and strains of highschool get too much, and my emotional instability cracks?  How will I cope with my best friends seperating.  And don't lie to me any more people... we won't be seeing each other like we used to.  Promises are easier made than kept.
    & nbsp;  I was either blessed with hypothermia, or scared into sleeping, because the last thoughts I remember before waking up on a cold, sun-less morning, were of why I can't be better. 
And,
Why
Can't
I
Be
Good
Enough.

    & nbsp;  My family and I drove up to the Columbia Gorge and spent the day hiking.  It was astounding; seeing water falls that were naturally there, un-harmed by our ruthless world...It really made me ashamed.  I'm not devoting all of my efforts into bettering this nature, into preserving it for my kids.  What if my children look at me one day and ask what it was like to touch a waterfall...or if they ask me what a sea lion looked like?  How will I be able to hold my head up and say that they were something beautiful...but because my generation never gave a shit about our environment, they died.  Can you stand the guilt being placed on your shoulders knowing that our crazed frenzy for oil, and world domination, is leading to the extinction of countless number of species?
I know I can't.
    & nbsp;   I'm in the TVSA, but that's not enough.  I've written a couple letters to our President about the destruction of salmon, but nothing's changed.  I want to make a difference...I want to start the campaign, I want my peers and my family to look at me and say 'Wow...look at that girl work.  She'll change something...definitely.'

I was biking Mattie home, like I always do...and my entire personality, once again, was questioned.  Not because of her, but because of me.  I'm stubborn, I'm brutally honest, I'm single-minded, and I have no regards for other people's feelings...I'm a darling, aren't I?!
    & nbsp;   We reminisced over the trying times of 8th grade...I realize how bad I treated people...and how I never knew when to keep my mouth shut.
Guess what?! I still don't!
    & nbsp;  I decide to bike slowly back to my house, and I won't lie about this, I cried a little.
Why do I ALWAYS pick the wrong person.  And how come I never stopped, even though I consciously knew that I was killing people? 

This is one of those times when I wish God would've rendered me still-born so I wouldn't have to parade around being such a worthless shit.

Shoot me,
Natalie Minas

    & nbsp;  I'm starting to realize why I hate myself at night.  Or just any time for that matter...I get really bitchy.  It's like me being drunk; things make sense when I do them, but when I wake up in the morning I want to kick myself for being a dumbass.  I become what I hate most about myself after about 11:30...I'm bitter, and jealous, and whiny, and bitchy.  Basically, I'm an asshole.  I'm guessing it's the fact that I'm lonely that makes me angry....I've got that severe abandonment problem.  Yea. 
    & nbsp; Lord help the person that spends the night with me when I'm older. 

    & nbsp; Jesus H. Christ....My body hurts. Not like a specific muscle, but all over my goddamn body.  Coach Jim thought it'd be fun to do a 'nature run' today.  Aka, we ran two miles in the THPRD forest.  We only played one set today, but were doing drills and more calisthenics than we usually do....I literally had sweat drip off of my shoulders.  It was disgusting, lol.  Some of the kids were wiping the sweat off their face, and then smearing it on other people.  GRODY.
    & nbsp; A girl pinged me in the leg with a ball today...But it's all good....I got her with a serve. YOWZAH!

    & nbsp;  Okay...the hottest boy moved into the house that's four doors down to me.  He's one sexy bitch.  His name is Blake, he's 15, was originally from Cali, WAS PLAYING DISTURBED, muscular, wears his pants at the RIGHT LEVEL, blue eyes, sandy blonde hair...hottie
    & nbsp;  Even his dad is awesome...I'm not sure what his name is, but he's funny and seems like a great father.  Mattie and I were talking to them for about 20 minutes or so, and Natalie thinks that she should see Blake more often, lol.

    & nbsp;  All of these things are about one paragraph entries...Anyways...
    & nbsp;  Yesterday, my dad drove me to go pick up Mattie at around 8:20, and there were these two guys skateboarding...one was in a cat suit.  No joke, he was literally in a cat costume.  I lean out the window and yell, I LOVE YOUR CAT SUIT! And he laughs.  After we pick up Mattie, and are driving home, we see the same guys.  Mattie yells out the window, 'WE LOVE YOU CAT BOY!!!'
    & nbsp;  When we get home, we want to go walk...like we do ALL THE TIME, and my dad tells us not to talk to those 'weirdos'.  I absent mindedly agree, and walk out the door.  Mattie and I are turning the corner and we see Cat Boy and Home boy (guy without the cat suit) with Sammy the Gangster.  Sammy's weilding an aluminum bat and is singing the Andy Milonakis show theme song...and yelling GAY PRIDE!  Mattie and I pause for a chat with the guys, and start walking towards the black path.
    & nbsp;  Home Boy asks if we were going to the park, and we say yea.  He asks if he can come, and we agree.   Mattie and I go to the park, about 5 minutes later, Cat Boy (who is dressed in normal clothes) and Home Boy show up.  We sit on the swings and play structures for an hour talking...Their names are Luke and Garrett (Dude...those are hot names...) And Garrett is a professional long boarder.  Because 'it's the way of the future.  It's good to go'.  LOL!  They're our age, and they wear really hot pants.   They like Iron Maiden, and think that KoRn is a bunch of gays (ha...men after your own heart, Mike).  I ask about the Cat ensemble, and Luke starts teasing Garrett.  Garrett replies with, "I picked up more chicks than you EVER will wearing that thing." 
    & nbsp;  We go down a couple of slides, and I stop caring about what time it was.  Something clicked in my head (perhaps it was Captain DumbShit taking over...) But I just didn't care anymore.  I was happy talking to these two guys we just meant, even though my dad didn't want me to.  Call me rebellious, call me dumb, call me slutty...Whatever.  We had a fun time, and there was no streaking...Although Garrett did start skating around in his boxers.
     Because it's the way of the future.  It's good to go....And it's kinky.  Lol, that kid was funny as hell.

At 9:30, I decide that if I don't want my ass in too bad of trouble, it's time to go.  Plus, they were leaving.  Luke and Garrett start going down the path towards Albertson's, and Mattie and I start walking home.  I consider the time, and then start to run.  Mattie doesn't want to run, but I'm ready to haul ass.  I know what kind of trouble I'll be in, and it'd be best to get home soon.  So when I say, 'I think we should run'...I mean RUN, BITCH!  Seriously...Getting home fastest is the best way.
    & nbsp;  We get home and sit for awhile, I'm having a tweak-fit because I know I'm gonna get in trouble.
    & nbsp;   At 10, my dad has to take Mattie home.  She gets out of the car, and then WHAM! 8 seconds later, he's starting to talk.  He asks where we went, I say 'QFC'.  He says it was stupid of us to go walking at such a late time...and that he drove down to Bethany Village looking for us.  I reply that we took the black path...then he starts yelling.  Holy fuck, I thought he was about to crash the damn car.  He asks how could we be so dumb, we should've known better, he knew we'd go hang out with those 'psychos'.  I consider the possibility of sticking up for those guys, and my intelligence...but I let it slide.  Like I always do. Because I'm a damn coward.
    & nbsp;   he then says that I can't go walking anymore.  He doesn't trust me enough.  WTF?! What else can I do?!?!?!  I spend most of my day OUTSIDE at Bethany Village...and it's not like he's actually going to care! He never sees me as it is because he's always locked up in a damn room.  And, Oh My god, he complains like no other mother.  When I tell him that it's his fault for signing up for so many meetings, he get's all pissed off.  Those are the only times when I feel like using the word Pussy.  Ya know...just to turn and scream, SUCK IT UP, PUSSY! IT'S YOUR GODDAMN FAULT FOR BEING SUCH A FUCK-TARD!
    & nbsp;  But. I sit quietly in my chair. Doing nothing.

Spending a week in NY almost seems worse than death.
Oh yea...it is. 

Gah, I'm getting all bitter and pissed off again.  Oh! Look what time it is! 11:36! Right on time!  I'm going to go seeth in my rage.  Like always...

Love and Movie this weekend?
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   Nat

New Video:  Need You Tonight, by INXS.  I think you should all take a moment to bask in how COMPLETELY AWESOME this song is.  Not many know that I have a passion for 80's tunes....but seriously, this song...*drool* mad love for it.

All you got is this moment
Ttwenty-first century's yesterday
You can care all you want
Everybody does yeah that's okay

So slide over here
And give me a moment
Your moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind

I need you tonight
'Cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat

How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't take it all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life

I drink around 14 bottles of water a day when I have tennis; I'm like the Natalie Pool.  Seriously...I'm surprised I haven't started to float around.  My muscles feel shredded because I've been playing three hours a day for the past week-ish, AND NATALIE HURT!

In my tournament, I hit a kid on the right side of his chest with a tennis ball (One for the WEST-SIDE) and won both my sets 6-1, and 6-3.  I'm signing up for the fall league...that means JERM!  can't wait to see the lil feller.

On Sunday, I went to Lloyd Center with Mattie, Pookie, and Chris.  It was pretty fun stuff...watching the ice skaters fall, drinking Jamba juices...it was all cool until we're riding back on the Max Train, and some assholes start talking to me.  When I was getting on the train, one flat tires me so I'll turn around, and then he bumps me a couple times when we're riding it.  Mattie strikes up a conversation, and we start talking. 
    & nbsp;   One of them was ass-ug ly, one had no eyebrows (he's only 17...but he got drunk and passed out so his friend shaved his brows) the other one was around 18, and they all smoked.  There was this other kid who apparently had cigarretes and joints, and they were all trading them around.  I try to stop conversation with them because, ya know, the whole drugs and eyebrowless-ness thing is a turn-off.
    & nbsp; My dad saw us talking to these fine men of society, and doesn't like it.  When Chris leaves, Dad starts talking about how I shuoldn't talk to strangers, especially with the way I dress.  They may take me for something that I'm not and I could get in trouble....he also says that guys like them with a girl like me equal bad things. 
    & nbsp;  Oh...that's cool...I'm sure he could've said, 'When you dress like a slut, you'll get raped. And like it' and still have been a little less hurtful.

The next day he starts bashing on me for a DAMN TANK TOP.  I think I should live in a burkah; that'd show him.

I'm going to New York next week.

God, Kill me now. Please.  I seriously don't want to be going there.  Even though I love NY and everything, I don't want to be 7 days with my dad.

I'm flippin' bored, you guys.  Schedule group hang-outs, lol. 

Love and 'You're a sexy bitch'

NatNat

You make me feel like I’m a whore
Like I’m the one who’s there to bore you now
It’s always gonna be this way
Get the fuck away

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me

I hate what you are
I’ll break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are
I’ll break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are

I cannot control you into wanting me, now.

Woah....It's like Shaun Morgan put my feelings into a song! Yay!
not.

    & nbsp;  My mom called and I had to tell her about Lisa's freak out a couple nights ago.  She knew about her attacks long before I did, and wants to call the Divorce Therapy place.  Oh boy...This will not end well.  Lisa will say something about it, and then that fucking word will trigger the goddamn memory, and then I won't be able to stop blubbering and then my mom will think I have a problem.  And WHAM! I'm slapped back in there.

    & nbsp; I just want to take a moment to scream, or to hit someone, or to tear my hair out or just something.  It's taken all I can give to sit and not start crying.  I hate to sound like one of those cliche people who can't get over the fact that their dad screamed at them until they cried, but it's hard. DAMNIT.  I was working and functioning fine; absolutely fine.  Until Lisa brought it up and it's all I can think about.  When people aren't occupying my brain with their chatter, I sit alone and replay all of the mental movies I have of Arizona.
    & nbsp;   Mattie heard how bad that gets.  Ha.   I still can't jump the hurdle that was set before me.  You don't expect a four year old to try and stop her sister's crying at night because she was so scared...you just don't.  And you can't act like it will all come out fine in the end. 

And. And. And.  All I do is goddamn whining.

Someone shoot me.  Seriously.  For the better of man-kind, get me out of the gene pool.  One less trouble on the world.

Natalie

I've made it too far on my own to go fucking back and try to 'talk about my problems'.  I handle them fine.  I don't need someone else who NEVER WENT THROUGH THAT to tell me how to solve them.  I'm self-sufficient, and I've never been anything less.

It's 3:26...I imagine my sister is crying herself to sleep right now.
I wish I could do that.  My tears are spent, and I don't want to sleep.  Because, I know all too well what'd be visiting me in my dreams.

I can't bring myself to say my ending...but I can do this:

FUCK YOU.

*yawn* life here seems so mundane compared to AZ...

MATTIE GOT HOME!!!! She came home 6 days early and left a message on my machine.  My mom and I were out playing tennis so I didn't get the call, but I practically had an attack when I heard the message.  I went upstairs, changed at the speed that only Natalie has, and went outside to wait.  Got impatient sitting on the banister, so I walked into the street...where I saw someone walking toward me.  I yell 'HEY HOTTIE!' and it turns out to be Gloria (the psycho neighbor).  The situation elevates into embarassment maxzors...and then I recede to my porch.  I hid behind some bushes until Psycho goes in her house, and then I wait in the driveway.  I see MATTIE IN A HOT GREEN TANK TOP! SO I start running full speed ahead, matey! at her and jump in to her arms. AWWW...it would have been more romantic if she was a dude...but whatever.

She stays until 10 and we talk about everything that we've missed in a month. 
And now?  We've sunk right back into the groove of things..Ohhh yea.

Okay...Mattie and I went down to QFC today...and this man who was literally 85 in one of those fat people carts hit on us; I threw up in my mouth a little.  We walk by, and he turns his fatty self around and keeps looking.  Then he faces me and asks 'What was that question you asked me?' I said I didn't ask one. He replied with 'What was your question?' I say 'nothing' and keep walking. He says, 'see? I answered your question!'
    & nbsp; We walk off, and I start crying.  Hoollly shit. I get scared bad enough to piss myself when stuff like that happens.  It could be that I'm way too uptight, or I don't find it fun to flirt with strangers...but when someone who is as old as MY GRANDFATHER tries to start this weird conversation...it bothers me.
    & nbsp;   He uses the 'I lost my phone number, can I have yours?' line on Mattie's.  ASS.

While we were down at QFC for around 5 hours, we saw Miss Mullins...Woo hoo...  She got engaged, and still wears that same Plumbago lipstick.

News:  Pookie said she wasn't drinking.  But, she varied the story around a little bit...

Okay...my eyes are ugly.  One of the pupils turns inward when I look straight in a mirror.  It's either that it turns inward, or my other one wanders out.  Either way...it's wrong.

Love and 12 days until New Yawk,
    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;  Natalie

Okay...I had the Right Now video.  But I nearly cut my eyes out when I watched it again.  First time I saw it I threw up. Seriously. ERLACK.

So...Now Somebody Someone.  Which is my ALL TIME FAVORITE KORN VIDEO/SONG! KIND OF! WELL! IT'S IN THE TOP 5!!!!.  Yea...I wanna play music so loud it bumps flies off the wall. And...Jon Davis in this video...Shexay.  Seriously.  Except for that whole scream part where all the saliva flies out.  But...still....he looks good in that big black thing.  Dress? Coat? Cloak? Big ass shirt?

I can't stand to let you in.
I'm just watching you.
And I don't know what to do.
Feeling like a fool inside.
Feeling all the hurt you hide.
Thought you were my friend.
Seems it never ends.
I need somebody someone.
Can't somebody help me.
All I need is to be.
Loved just for me.

Giving you this and that.
Giving gave nothing back.
It's all related to.
All the things I do.
Feeling like a fool inside.
Seeing all the things you tried.
I am nothing.

I look I sign.
I need someone.
Inside to help me out.
With what I'm trying.
I'm crying, I'm frying.
In a pile of shit.
I'm dying.
I'm dying.
I'm dying

I need somebody (someone).
Somebody (somebody).
Someone.

I need somebody (someone).
Somebody (somebody).
Someone.

Someone.

Writing is therapeutic, right? I mean it has to be fucking therapeutic or all those times that I've wrote when I'm a mess of emotions comes to shit.  So writing is helpful. Writing will solve this.  Writing about it will make everything seem like a silly joke and then I'll be fine.
Writing
Will
Solve
This.

Lisa Renee Parrott is (maybe was...) my best friend since I was 4.  She has lived at my dad's house more than I have, and is my sister.  Her house is 9 feet and 10 inches from my own.  I don't know if you people really grasp how damn close we are.  We sleep in the same bed, hell, I even kissed her when I was five.
We are close.
We tell each other everything.
Her family sucks.  I'm not even going to try and lie.  Her dad's a fucking drunk who'll beat her or her step-brother whenever he sees fit, and the mom never gives a shit and just leaves the house most the time.  She's come over crying with a hand mark welting on her arm and I have to give her ice.  It's a sick cycle.  Hear Clyde yell, run downstairs to wait for LIsa, work on rebuilding her.

Her brother, Toby, was one of my very good friends. And him and I were about as close as Lisa and I at one point.  He got into smoking and drinking when he was 17.  I tried to tell him to stop, it was bad, but it never phased him.  Toby and I were growing apart as it was, so I just let that relationship slip.  he was an angry drunk, and I don't want to be on the wrong side of his powerful fists.

Levi Harwell. Levi, levi, levi.  I knew him since I was 10.  He was my first guy friend, he was fun, blonde, cute...everything I wanted.  He smoked a cigarette one day.  I, once again, try to warn on the dangers. He gets angry and I stop talking to him for a week.  I see him at QFC smoking something hand-rolled (can you say marijuana?).  I approach him, and he gives me the same bullshit.  I go to his house nearly a month later...trying to fix it all...he's drunk and stoned.  And tries to hit me with a bat.  I leave quickly.

Toby and Levi were friends that I loved....deeply...and then they both break my heart by drugs and alcohol.  Lisa's on the list, or will be on that list in a very short amount of time.

Levi was hanging at Toby's house with Lisa...smoking pot and drinking.  Lisa tells me this, and I don't believe her.  She says go outside, see for yourself.  So I walk outside and see the flame of a lighter flicker in their driveway.  I run to her house...having the fucking bright idea that I'll try and stop them.  I see that they're smoking pot, and there's some beer cans in the street, so I sneak back into my house.  It was about 11:50, and my dad wasn't too peachy keen with me running in and out of the house. 
    & nbsp; Apparently Toby and levi spotted me, and come to knock on the door.  I'm quick to answer it, not wanting my dad to know, and Levi pulls me outside.  I hit him, and tell him to not touch me.  He says, 'Sorry Darlene. '  I remind him that my name is Natalie, and that i was at one point and time, his best friend.  He says 'You sure know how to use your words like a big boy' and takes a drag off his joint.  He is visibly stoned.  It's pitch black out, but I can tell that he's shit-faced.
    & nbsp;   I lose it.  I tell him to get away from me and to kill himself.  He doesn't listen and tries to hug me and apologize.  I try fighting him off (the man's 16 and plays lacrosse...hard to beat) and he just laughs.  Toby starts mumbling some bullshit excuse about Levi's condition and leaves to go back inside (where he probably got drunk enough to throw up).  Levi looks at me and tells me I have a beautiful name. 
    & nbsp;   Fuck me for wanting to get away from a stoned, drunk, boy who is starting to make unwanted advances.  I tell him calmly that if he needs help, I'll send him to counseling, and that if he doesn't...he should get his stoned ass up and off my porch.  He giggles and lays an arm across my shoulder, he starts to ask me if I want to go 'have fun and party' at lisa's.  It was probably the fact that he had no motor controls, but his hands were getting friendly....  
    & nbsp;   I run inside the house. and lock the door.

I go up to my room, and try to forget most of this.  I figure it's just one drunken night....we've lost touch anyways. Why does it matter?

Something start's banging at my window.  I open the curtains, and see Lisa.  Relieved, I start talking to her.  Levi walks out into my yard, and he starts asking who I am.  I ignore him...but he throws rocks at my OPEN window.  He gets a call on his cell phone, and walks into the middle of the street.  I'm praying a car will come and hit him, but I ask Lisa what they're doing at her house.  She says, 'Drinking, smoking. Ya know...teenage stuff.'  I tell her to come over here so she won't be around that, and she says 'No...I smell like smoke and alcohol; you're dad'd flip.  PLus, it's fun over here....you should come.'  Might I add that she's laughing too much and losing balance?  I tell her that if she ever touches any of the drugs, I'll kill her.  She laughs...once again...and says 'When you hang with the crowd I do.  The party crowd *drunken dance* like my brother and Levi and them...I'll probably try it once, hate it, and leave it.'
    & nbsp;    I try reasoning with the why try it? and she doesn't get my point.  Levi comes back and tries to get on the roof via a column on my porch.  DUMBASS.  He starts to attempt romeo and juliet scenes...and forgets my name...

They both run off because Toby yelled something, and I start freaking out.  Imagine seeing your BEST FRIEND of 10 years drunk.  I sit in my room...kind of stunned.  And then rocks start pinging my window again.  I draw a sign with the middle finger and tape it to my window...thinking that'll drive them off.
More rocks come.  After about 40 minutes of this, the rocks get BIG...they're starting to chip at my window and my dad hears them.  I run downstairs, grab my tennis racket and step outside.
There's Levi!  Jesus.
It's about 12:50 a.m... I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm shaken, I want to sleep, I'm worried, I'm nervous...Basically I'm making bad decisions.
Levi tries to talk to me, tries to explain, tries to get me to have sex with him, tries to get me to go smoke with him.  I'm pissed.  More angry than I have ever been in my life.  I hate drugs as it is, I'm quickly beginning to loathe them all the more as I see my best friends change.

FUCK.

So he tries to put his arm around me, I tell him no. He laughs and says, 'What? i can't hug you no more?' And I did it. 
I grabbed the tennis racket from behind my back and took a double-fisted forehand stroke straight to his lowest rib.  I wasn't sure what I was aiming for...or how I was going to react to the blow.  But I just did it. There was this hollow thunk, and he buckled over.  I was shocked...that's the first time I assualted someone...
He swears, and starts saying some of the most hateful things I've heard in my life. And then I tell him that if he doesn't leave the driveway in ten seconds, I'll hit him until he does.

He hobbles off, I run inside and cry.  This isn't like a tear going down the cheek and that ripping feeling inside your body...this is one of those shuddering, heaving, can't-breathe sobbing.  I throw the racket in disgust...I just hit a guy so hard he crippled...

I sit in a dark room, crying...occasionally taking a powerful swing at the door.  Knuckles are in okay condition.  A couple of scratches, a couple of bruises.  I got an ugly god-forsaken one on my hip....  But none of these compare to what I did to Levi.

Oh god...I'm horrible.  Should have never fucking hit him.

I drank enough caffeine to kill a horse so I won't fall asleep and they'll return...and so I won't have the night terrors. And so I'll forget all of this. 

Kill
me
now.

And, once you guys read this, tell me that you will promise on your honor, your pride, and your love for humanity that you will never ever try illegal substances.