I don't let too many people get close to me out of fear they'll hurt me. Man, do I hate being right.
& nbsp; You know someone for 10 years of your life, and shoot me if I'm wrong, I think you'd get a pretty good grasp on their character. The music they like, words they use, little actions they have, the way they put their hair in a pony tail...the type of alcohol they drink.
& nbsp; Pookie has a hangover. She's been drinking straight through the weekend. And, yea, she might have a tough life (don't we all) But it's not that tough. Her dad's an alcoholic who's abusive only when drunk, mom doesn't give a shit either way, and her brother beats her up...hence why she has such a menacing presence. But she's fine. Nothing phases her too much, just because she's Lisa. & nbsp; I got scared when she told me she went to a goth party where there were 25 year olds passing out energy drinks to kids...which turned out to be vodka and red bull. And if that wasn't bad enough, she got drunk off her ass and went and snogged some guy she had only known for two hours. Herpes anyone? & nbsp; She drank at her sister's house...thinking it was okay. (You dumb little shit). And, she also hangs out with the stoners on my block. Which irks me, but not too bad...I thought she knew right from wrong. I thought she did. I thought she fucking did. & nbsp; I see her this morning walking out of her class, and she comes and gives me a hug. I grumble about how I don't want to be at school:
Nat: Ugh...I feel bad... Lisa: I bet I feel worse. Nat: haha...try me. Lisa: You'd get pissed off... Nat: Are you stoned?! *Grabs her face and looks in eyeballs* Lisa: *Laugh* No.. Nat: You're drunk!!!! Lisa: A little bit...i'm still hung over.
That's when I recoil and scream 'YOU DUMB BITCH!' and slap her as hard as my 5'3" frame will allow. She giggles and stumbles backwards and I keep hitting her, screaming obscenities about how utterly stupid and wrong she was. I stop once I got her backed against a wall and shrill that I have to go to chemistry and I will 'talk to her later'
So at the end of the day, I find her again on the bus, Bang on the window, and say 'YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE!' Right when a teacher walks by...not smart... Anyhow, she's talking to me Thursday...and she better have a good explanation or I'm drop kicking her goth ass.
Summer! I demand you tell meee!!!! & nbsp; But, besides that, Ian's nice. oh. so. very. wonderfully. nice.
Him and some other random people come over to my house most days and we hang around in my room drinking soda and playing guitar...which I have to admit is rather attractive when Ian plays it. Specially the Oasis stuff or RHCP. Ian and I were kicking each other under the table in geometry, and just ended up leg to leg...like the old times...with Mike...Ha. These memories aren't giving off that sharp pain anymore..so, maybe, the unthinkable is happening and I'm moving on. Or maybe not. But lets hope so...
& nbsp; This is the first time in a long time that I've been really happy liking a guy. I mean, really really. The other ones I never particularly fell for like him. When I see him in the hallways, or when he says my name, or I hear people tell me something about him, my heart jumps up into my throat and I have this dumb-struck grin on my face that makes me look like a complete dolt. And when he hugs me, I don't feel like a midget! If you haven't noticed, my past crushes/boyfriends have all been hitting 6 foot. And, Ian being the 5'8 he is, feels normal hugging him; I'm not on tip toes. I don't think any one has cared for me the way Ian has. Almost like it's the first time in my life I'm really being treaten right. Because he loves me. And I'm all giddy :D. & nbsp; but I'm still all scared about this. It seems too good. Like unreal type of good. I wouldn't do anything because I know I'd fuck it up, but still...he's so nice. And I don't deserve this. There most be some type of catch or glitch in this whole plan
Someone shoot me now out of hatred for sounding like a bad romance movie...
I played my little gig for guitar on Sunday night. It went swell. Now my guitar's getting fixed for an electrical shortage thing in the jack. Poo.
I don't feel the need to be angry anymore. Or to cry. Ian, you may be better for me in more ways than one.
Love and good moods, that five dollars says won't last for long, Nat
You missed it...we were all sniffing each other's fruit loops
Dad got angry at me for being a human being. And I wish he'd just disown me legally. Get it over with.
My life just seems like something distant...something I can't touch. When pain happens, no, it's not to me. It's happening to that far away girl. It wouldn't affect me. Because I couldn't handle that. Everything's a copy Of a copy Of a copy.
I spent a solid three hours crying. And it's the first time I've cried in day light in a long time, and when tears roll down my cheeks...it's not cute... I told my sister everything. I wasn't actually meaning to, just saying that I got in a couple of fights. But saying that lead to what I thought I did wrong, or what I could've been better at, and then I looked through all of my notes, and the journals, and the lists, and my diaries...and, well, it hurt a lot more than I was expecting. I keep crying, trying to talk, more to myself than to her. And the part about my fucking knuckles slip out. She tells mom, and now I'm being begged to go get my hand x-rayed.
Shit.
I hate crying. It's a stupid worthless fucking emotion that gets more annoying every time you do it. Who ever thought putting tear ducts on human beings was a sick jerk. I had a grasp on you, but hey, things fade. Or maybe I just never had that grasp at all.
I was happy for a bit. For three days, I was so damn happy. Now it's all emo again. Fun. Not.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore. Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore. Come on tell me. You make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing. And I'm starting to scare myself. I just want something. I just want something I can never have You always were the one to show me how Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This thing is slowly taking me apart. Grey would be the color if I had a heart. Come on tell me In this place it seems like such a shame. Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same Everywhere I look you're all I see. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be. I just want something. I just want something I can never have I just want something I can never have
I don't know what to do. Maybe just leave for a bit. No, that wouldn't work. I've already been gone and we've seen how much that phased you. And all those things about a 'spark' left....bull shit. Every I love you? Bull shit. Am I still 'perfect'? Or has my self-loathing really pissed you off this time.
Whatever. I used that fucking word.
But, whatever. I'm just bitter. For no reason. I do have a reason...but you wouldn't care. ever.
Football game. Uh....cold... I like the way Ian hugs. Haha, it was the warmest when we had a five person group hug goin' on. And...Sweet Jesus...Ian put his arm around my shoulder. Heh. He has this cute way of looking at you sideways through his hair...don't know why that came to mind. And he asked me to homecoming. Ohhhh shit-monger. Well, now it's easier to say 'No'. Patrick had a lie thrown in his face...sorry, man. & nbsp; I have to go, because I see Mattie leaving, and he gives me one last hug. Justin thought he was crying on my shoulder, and Lisa thought he was falling over. But, it was a nice hug. A. Very. Very. Nice. Hug. How can you resist something like that? I think I've hugged Ian more than I've hugged any previous guy friend. Maybe.
I was scared and nervous for the entire game. I was trying to lose myself, and then find people. Or just to be lost and die in a corner. I started crying a couple of times, but quickly sucked the tears back up. I don't know what's wrong. I never do anymore...just, my mind blows things out of proportion and I think people hate me when they don't and I cause the fucking problems because I'm a dumb fucking bitch. Raar. Mike's sweatshirt was rather comfy. Not particularly warm, but I have the blood circulation of a cauterized pigeon. And, Mattie, you'll be pleased to hear it didn't smell like weed.
I don't know. Jesus. I want to say the game sucked, but it didn't. Because I'm going to homecoming with Ian; that's what I wanted. He's a fucking amazing guy...just, FUCKING A! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO MESS THESE THINGS UP! WHEN I FIND SOMEONE/SOMETHING I'M HAPPY WITH, I PICK OUT THE FUCKING FAULTS AND TRY TO CONVINCE MYSLEF IT'S BAD! HE'S NOT BAD! NOT FUCKING BAD AT ALL! LOOK AT THE WAY HE TREATS ME! NOT BAD! NOT BAD! I'M THREE INCHES AWAY FROM RAMMING A PAIR OF SCISSORS THROUGH MY EAR TO SKEWER MY BRAIN AND STOP THE BAD THOUGHTS. AND HERE WHEN I CRY FOR THREE HOURS I THINK I STILL HAVE A CHANCE WHEN I MOST CERTAINLY DON'T! DAMN YOU NATALIE MINAS FOR BEING A SLOW LEARNER!
I loved you, you made me, hate me. You gave me, hate, see?. It saved me and these tears are deadly. You feel that? I rip back, everytime you tried to steal that.You feel bad? you feel sad? Im sorry, hell no fuck that! It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife. This strife it dies, this life and these lies. And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you! I've , Lost it all, fell today,It's all the same. I'm sorry oh. I'm sorry no. I've been abused, I feel so used, because of you. I'm sorry oh. I'm sorry no. I wish I could I could have quit you. I wish I never missed you, And told you that I loved you, every time I kissed you. The future that we both drew, and all the shit we've been through. Obssed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew! How could you do this to me? Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you. I used to be love struck, now I'm just fucked up. Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts! Seems like all we had is over now you left to rest. And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound. Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest. And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down.
I think I like the feeling of tearing off skin from my mouth. Some people cut their wrists, some burn themselves, I bite my lips. It's made me less queasy around blood...and occupies my time. Sure, it's kind of sick that I spit out loads of blood, and the initial shock of having a gushing mouthful of hot liquidy DNA is still kind of bad...but it's worth it? I dunno...it's like a habit.
So...there's a new KoRn song out...
Jesus, I can't even talk about it. It pisses me off so bad.
TEN THOUSAND FISTS IN TWO DAYS! HELLS YEA!!!!!!!!
Highschool Updates: Well...it's not SOO bad. Just, hard to keep friends together. The only time we can hang out is before school...not that much. Oh well, I guess the thoughts are still there. Everyone...let's get together for a movie next weekend. Saturday. PLEAAASE?!?! Mrs. Thompson needs to fucking die. Geometry is by far the best class...Ian, Liz, Ben...fun times, man. Fun times. Walking around the halls with headphones on listening to angry KoRn music? Hell yea. Seeing Pookie in the halls (and all her hotness)? Hell yea. Having a stalker? Hell no. Damn, Anthony kinda creeps me out. It's so cold in the mornings...seriously, it's so painful. Eating lunch with Andy is pretty shweet And so is flashing people on the North Stairs during lunch. Being short in a mass of people rocks. Just like eating lunch with a new group of guys :D. Ian, Justin, Dennis, Jared...fun group of males. haha, it's like the James/Mike/Furby/Chris of Westview. ^^Ugh....that makes me feel bad to say. Isn't it weird that I already have a new group of friends? And that they're all guys again? It's like...I'm a dude friend magnet... Homework isn't so bad I'ma own on Honors It's too big I want more time with my friends... And a cell phone.
Hmm...over all...Highschool gets a thumbs up. Except, seriously you guys, we need a movie. Or a place to go and hang out.
I'm in a really weirdly good mood. Great mood.
Hung out with Justin, Ian, Andrew, and Dennis today. Went to Tanasbourne center. Pretty shweeet stuff. Punched Andrew in the back so he wouldn't touch me again (OH YEA! ONE FOR THE WEST SIDE!) It hurt my knuckles...Seriously,that guy is a pig. When I say don't touch me, I mean...DONT TOUCH ME. Went to like every damn store. Ian got a sexy hat and pin thingy. Raar, now I want a hat. And I want my emo glasses! Emo, I say! It's kind of scary how much Ian already knows about Mike and I's past relationship/current status. He insists that I like him...hrmph... Damnit, even the guy in Sharper Image knows!!! *Ian and me sitting in those massage-y chairs* Ian:...Soooo...you like, Mike huh... Nat: Oh! look! There's a penny! *Justin walks over* Justin: Oh yea..she so likes Michael Dale (Sharper Image employee): Who's Mike? Nat: No one! Ian and Justin: They like each other Nat: WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP!?!?! Dale: So is he a friend?...boy...friend? Nat: NEEEH!!! *leaves store*
Apparently people fill Ian and Justin in on this info. It's weird, and whoever is doing it...stop!!! The question of who I like always comes up...awkward...very. Awkward. & nbsp; Ian and Justin kept trying on girl pants, lol. Not hot.
I got my homecoming dress. It is, in a word, Stunning. Strapless, floor length, corset-style bright green dress with black mesh over it. Jesus...so hot. If someone doesn't ask me to go with them soon, I'ma take myself and that dress. ugh...that brings up the point of who's gonna ask me. Or if anyone will. It's all the girls talk about in health. And, I'm like tweakin' out...everytime someone mentions it or they say the word 'home' or 'coming' I nearly pass out.
& nbsp; What if I don't get a date? Who will the date be? What if I'm too short for him? What if I fall in my heels? What if I flash someone because my dress falls? What if he thinks I'm weird for wearing gloves since I'm so worried about people touching my hands? What happens if I rip my dress? What do I do if my hair falls flat? I have the appointments already, and what if the curls come out? What if me wearing a strapless dress is too slutty for my dad? What if it's too slutty for my date? How will I eat before homecoming? What restaurant will we go to? Who will we go there with? Will I be able to eat infront of my date? What if I stumble? What if I start talking and make a complete fool about myself? What happens if I look like a whore? How will I do my make up? What kind of purse will I get? Will it be a complete disaster? If no one asks me...I won't go...WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T GO??!?!?!
I'm going to crash sometime. I mean, it's like I have to. I sleep around 3 hours a night, every night...I look like a crack whore. I lost interest on eating because of the pain it puts me in. Not saying I'm anorexic, just...I eat what I like and don't try to live up to what you want me to. Which you should be fine with. And if you're not, fuck you...I have too much going on right now to worry about you. & nbsp; I've been agitated a whole lot, blame it on me not eating, or me not sleeping..something's clicked. I've been climbing the 'ass wipe tree' as it was so eloquently put. Yea, I know..I'm liable to say bitchy things and then want to retract them, but my brain is disengaged half the time. Come on people, I barely have enough energy to walk...let alone try and be Mary Fucking Sunshine all the time. So, this is me apologizing in advance, or crawling away with my tail inbetween my legs... I know I'm wrong. I'm sorry. Things aren't good. My surface is cracking, and I think I have to work something out....I don't know. Whatever. Whatever works, I'm too pissed off half the time to even care about what's wrong. Although I'm sure crying half the night isn't healthy. I'm broken, you guys...Finally snapped in half. Keeping this much hate and sadness or whatever the hell is wrong with me inside has broken me.
I found myself needing to be passed out or on some sort of heavy medication right after lunch. I was planning to go to North hall, just to be by myself...but I bit my lip hard enough to get a lot of hot blood pooling in my mouth...so I go to the bathroom and hurl and wash my mouth out. Walking to my class, I see Mike and I try talking to him. But, once again, my asshole-ishness clicks and I figure I best say nothing. Sooo...I try talking, but that plan quickly fails. My head is throbbing, I want to cry, or sleep, or die, and I just end up feeling like a fool. He looks at me and, I think, smiles out of pity as he says goodbye. I stagger to my class and go through the rest of the day in a haze.
Walked around with Justin, Ian, and Carlos. Haha...they're like the Mike, Furby, and Chris of highschool. Which also starts my tear ducts pumping. Goddamnit. Ian says Justin likes me, and Mattie says Anthony likes me...well...Neither of them I like. This is awkward. Anthony commented on my eyelashes though :-D. And Ian called me hot. All in good fun...
Justin: You look like a fag with your backpack that high Ian: Shut up! It makes me feel like a ninja turtle!
Mattie and I are like seperated a whole lot. This effin' sucks. I want to talk to her but I barely have time, and I feel like shit most of the time so I end up saying bad things.
Levi has both my lunches and I see him around school alot. Like, a lot a lot. Fuck.
'Please God, oh let me give in tonight. Please God, oh Please God let me give in tonight or let me die.'
Today was so cold I nearly cried. I had to walk out to P 1, and I thought I was going to faint on the way out there. It was the same in EVERY damn CLASS! Westview is SO DAMN COLD. & nbsp; RAAR. & nbsp; At lunch, I was gonna go hang with Mattie, but she was all over the place and I was too tired to try and catch up with her, so I walked around...hoping to lose myself in the big fucking school and just goddamn fucking die. I have my headphones in and I'm playing DC at like...volume 7 or something, and my player only goes to 10. People don't understand that and they come up and are like HI NATALIE! Well...mainly it's my neighbor popping up at every corner, Ian walking with me (Damnit, son!) and Robby talking to me. I know it's hard to keep in touch like old times with friends, so why can't they take the hint and get lost? Not like I hate you people (I do) it's just that...erg...I was cold, and tired because I can't fucking SLEEP AT NIGHT AGAIN BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING STRESS THAT I PUT ON MY STUPID SHITTY ASS SELF BECAUSE I CAN'T DO A SINGLE FUCKING THING RIGHT that it keeps me up all night. Hence why I look like shit all the DAMN TIME. I want to sleep, and I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm good, and I want to hit him RIGHT IN THE FACE FOR BEING SUCH A MAN SLEEZE! SHIT! WHY'D HE HaVE TO SEEM SO COOL!? AH! The cold makes me pissed off!
& nbsp; Once again, my ass was ice-cubicular after school. Ian offered me one of his three sweatshirts, hehe. I decline, and quickly walk inside to find Mattie. Find her, walk outside, lose all feeling. Teeth start chattering and I look like a damn fool. Mike hugs me to keep me warm. *cue girly moment* Awww.. Then Furby kidney punches me. (bastard)
Football Game...a whole lot of getting grass down my pants, my pants falling off, getting smacked by Furby, smelling Furby (HOT DAMN! HE SMELLED SEXY!) Piggy back rides on Mike with my pants halfway down my ass (notice a pattern here?!) Watch my friends mosh-pit...since when did we start hanging with the preppy crowd? Anyhoos, my guy friends are losers, and I laugh at them while shivering. & nbsp; Haul ass home, realize I've broken curfew by an hour. Now am in trouble. Great.
This is where I say I've had enough and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now. A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better. Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and I'm thinking awful things and I'm pretty sure that few would notice. And this apartment is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the silence. Wandering this house like I've never wanted out and this is about as social as I get now. And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do, never. So don't be a liar, don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken. And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the joke's on me. But I'm not laughing and you're not leaving and who do I think I am kidding When I'm the only one locked in this cell? So don't be a liar, don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken. And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the joke's on me.
Right So My health has never been tip top For the past week, I've been having crippling pains in my stomach after I eat. I thought it was nerves, stress, sickness, whatever... Turns out that Genius right here, doesn't eat enough. My organs shut down because they think I'm pulling a starvation scheme again. Which blows. So, in the mornings, if I don't start eating more, I'll look like shit and feel like shit because my stomach is playing the role of an anarchist. Haha, now would be one of those times that I wish I knew what hunger felt like.
Uh, morning...all I can remember was picking a kicking fight with Pookie. Fell asleep in AT, Cherrie was like...stroking me... Assembly was crowded, but warm. Cold chemistry class. Cherrie's not so bright. Geometry, Ian wears woman's pants. Lunch, uhh...Andy, Mike, jeremy? Global Studies...MR. LEFOR LETS US SWEAR! HELL YEA! Lol, he's so cool...like Doyle...cept more fandango.
Love and Manicured fingers, & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; Nat
Got to bed at the respectable time of midnight. But, I cried again. What the hell? Normally, it's one or two tears and a really heavy heart...but these last few nights have been all out shuddering crying jags. I'm either too worried about losing a friend, too stressed about highschool, or in a weird state of depression. Fuck. Crying sucks. Specially when you're so goddamn helpless to it that you curl up tighter and cry harder.
'Oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed, take notice, take interest, take me with you.
But all our fears fall on deaf ears.
Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light. And blinding our hearts with their shining lies, while closing our caskets cold and tight. But I'm dying to live.'
& nbsp; Got up unusually early for me. Walked to school with Mattie. Westview is WAY too damn cold. I have goosebumps in all my classes, I couldn't feel my legs when I was walking to school, and Cody had to give me his sweatshirt cause I was turning blue. Cody Marsh...He's in my advisory class and is in to Van Halen and some AC/DC...pretty cool. He's really friendly and smells nice :D. & nbsp; I have the Blazer dancer health teacher. I'm switching out of Desktop Publishing, and Anthony's in my Lit and Comp class. He even asked me to be in his band that he's forming. He's, also, one of the favorites at The View (is a serious Metallica guy though...I'm not THAT big into them, lol) He's into Mudvayne, Lamb of God, Avenged Sevenfold...like heavy stuff. & nbsp; But Ian's cool. Ian's...very....very...cool. Lol. He offered to walk me home :D.Awwwww.... He was supposed to ride the bus home, but wanted to go to an album store (he changed his mind) and ended up walking me and Mattie home. Well, maybe me. Mattie left to go talk to Sven, and Ian and I kept walking. He thoug ht all the houses in my hood were fucking huge, and he told me about where he lived in California. He's funny as hell, and... READY FOR THIS?! IS IN PETA! I mentioned something about my vegitarianism, and he's like Oh! That Meat is Murder video changed my life! I think my jaw was open for about five minutes. Because, come on, how many times do you find a guy who likes KoRn, RATM, Rammstein, TBS, and is in PETA? And, might I say, is rather foxy?! I walk him all the way to seven eleven, and we talk the whole way...Damn...if he was any cooler, I think I might have to shoot myself. He's the exact replica of me...except Asian, lol. & nbsp; 'She threw applesauce on me out of a moving car!' & nbsp; 'Well...track her down and piss on her face.' I figure I should be getting home, and he has to get to his house anyways. But...holy hot shit...that boy is love.
& nbsp; Before school, hung out with the old group of friends. It was nice, I could tell that everything was different though. People had started getting new friends and were interested in them, but that's okay...things die. I know. James even talked to me about that in Espanol. He thinks Mike is changing or getting different, too. OH! SCORE! WHO KNEW HE WAS?! I THINK NATALIE DID! James thinks he has too much water polo, and I think...well...I just think...I lost him I guess. My sis told me she saw him walking with some girls at lunch. Good, both are moving on. Maybe we hug out of sheer habit; any type of serious friendship we had went straight out the window when 8th grade was over. Or, uh, when July 4th was over. Whatever. I'm sure I'll still pass a nod or a wave in the hall....I should just learn to let go. God knows it's about time. It's hard to make a relationship when only one person's interested in it. heh...I know that from experience.... & nbsp; Graaaaarrrr....I hope to the sweet suckable jesus that this isn't what I stay awake crying over.
Love and school got less cool today... & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; Nat
Last night, I was stressed and nervous and worried and scared; you know how I get. So at about 10:30, I take some sleeping pills and some dramamine, hoping I'll keep my food down and fall asleep. My pills work, but I wake up at 3 am, and I'm choking on my own tears. I don't know what went wrong, but I was crying harder than I have in a long time. I sit up, walk around my room, lay on the floor, try to get under my bed...and I'm still crying and starting to shake. I turn on DC, and return to my bed to curl up in a ball, hoping that something would stop me, and I could sleep normally. & nbsp; 'It was your fault that you couldn't be good enough. Now you don't have a second chance and you'll have to move on or be stabbed to the heart every time he's not there.' & nbsp; I broke, apparently. Just fucking snapped. I'm a real peppy type of girl when it's 3 am, and you're depressed. So I lay crying until about 4, when I fall asleep. That only seems like an hour of tears, not that long...But, believe me, when you're all alone in the dark...it's forever. Someone crying themselves to sleep is the most pitiful sight. All you can do is writhe in a ball and pray that your tear ducts will explode...or that no one will hear you. No one's there to give you a hug, or to put a smile on your face. & nbsp; You're left with a tear-soaked pillow case and a broken heart.
& nbsp; Wake up at 6 am, get ready, Mattie comes over and we walk to school. I'm shivering my tits off, and my stomach feels bad. Neuasea rocks my socks off! Walk into school, nearly have a claustrophobia attack at all the goddamn people, then find my locker. My locker's cracked out and won't open, and my schedule got changed a bit. I have a panic attack, and eventually get to my first class. On the way I saw Andy, and Anthony (hottie). I sit down, and have never felt so alone in my life. I Meet a girl named Cherie, she's pretty cool. She thinks I'm God because I can paint my nails, and is in about three of my classes. Hallway's are FUCKING CROWDED. See Mike and Yohan, James finds me and asks where Lisa is. I slip down the stairs a bit, and find my next class. I meet James. Or Ian. I'm not sure which. Anyhoos, he's a shweeeet guy. LIkes RATM, Rammstein, KoRn, TBS, No joke...this kid is like, my dream. Lol. We talk the whole period and I instantly like this guy. He knows about Head leaving, and thinks Fieldy's sexy, lol. Ian/Jame's thinks it's 'fuckin' awesome' that I play guitar and he tells me about his life basically. Can I just say that this kid kicks ass? He also asks to eat lunch with me, but I never find him...sorry to blow you off! Go to Chemistry...kids think I'm smart there?...Then Lunch. I start twiggin' because I don't know anybody, and then I find Chris and Sven. Mike later finds me and we go hook up with Andy and lisa. LIsA GOT ME A HOT BELT! And, ANDY LOOKS SLEEP DEPRIVED. I find Mike's locker, and Lisa's locker, and then lunch is over. I have first lunch tomorrow, btw. Go to Global studies? I think? And I meet Anthony. Anthony's a sexy bitch. His fave band is Metallica, and also thinks guitar's sexy on a girl. He also has 'never seen a girl wear my type of fashion. And thinks it looks good on me'. EYOOO! I talk to him, and despite the fact that he looks like Richard Ramirez, he's cool. & nbsp; School ends and I make it to my locker alive, pack my stuff, then go hang with Mike, Andy, Yohan, and JOHN MICHAELS! Lol. Andy's so cool :D. Mike seems weird and distant, and I didn't get to talk too much to Yohan.
I think I'll make it in highschool.
Maybe.
Now, all I have to think about is who's going with me to homecoming?!?!?! I shouldn't be thinking about this already...but seriously...what if no one asks me? What if I have to go alone? What if I have no one to dance with? What if I can't get my hair done right, or I look fat in my dress?
I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where I would impress you with every single word I said. Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming and you'd want to call me And I would be there every time you'd need me I'd be there every time... But for now I'll look so longingly waiting... For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me
Yea...that pretty much says everything I want to^^^
Love and now that I've survived my worst fears...all I have left to fret about is school dances. Erlack, this is where it'd come in handy to be pretty and popular. Being me, you don't really have a lot of suitors.
Nat Minas
So...tell me when life will start getting better....
Firstly... Orientation sucked. & nbsp; I hate my homeroom, my classes still suck, my friends are distant, and I loathe all the girls. I don't know what's wrong with me, but most the chicks at Westview looks shallow, and utterly retarded. Specially when they go up to a guy, stick their minute breasts in the air and say 'Hey, can you help me? I'm kind of terrified and want someone I know. Walk me to the gym?' Well...dumb bitch...look behind you and move thirty feet to get to the damn gym! & nbsp; One girl...Nicole...I want to shove that fucking little golf pencil right through her gelatinous trachea. It may just be me being angry at the human race, or being non-friendly...but honestly, she needs to be stabbed. I also have a future genius of America in my class who was stealing the golf balls and cheating off the Leader's answer sheet. Smart. A boy named Cody is okay, seems of good friend material. Then there's Brannon who looks like an A&F walking billboard. Then Nima. I call him Nemo, even though it's not his right name...but Nemo's shweet...very shweet. & nbsp; I'm in silver hall. YAY. Everything seemed different when I was with my friends. We were all grasping for new people to meet, and that made us seperate. I'm pretty sure I've receded to the far corners of a few people's minds. Fucking shit shit shit shit. I'm so damn pissed off about everyone seperating, and not being at each others sides for 7 hours a day that I'm ready to sacrifice small animals. Sure, we'll go to the occasional movie, or a nod in the hallways...BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO MEASURE UP TO SPENDING EACH AND EVERY WEEK DAY TOGETHER. It's Jealousy, man. I'm so jealous I doubt I can see straight. Heh, and I thought regret was the worst emotion....
& nbsp; Mattie and I walked home from orientation and I was about ready to deck some kids that were trying to talk to us. God damnit. I don't want to think about it anymore or fire will start coming out of my ears.
I went to Mattie's mom's party. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY-KAY! And I started looking through her yearbook. Then start crying. How pathetic is that? I know Mattie's reading this (Heya) and I'm sorry if I got your words wrong...this is what I remember. 'My overly beautiful friend who is helplessly in love with Michael. They're perfect for each other' that was scribed next to my picture...along with a caption of 'Mike's' It was more of the same next to Michael's picture. So I guess what got my waterworks going was thinking that it's not gonna be like that anymore. (If it ever was like that..) Another section of the past that has to be painfully shut. But, whatever, such is life. I shouldn't be whining about stuff like this. & nbsp; Bit the shit out of my lip and couldn't eat food too well at dinner.
Val, if you read this, go to http://www.bpalmerlaw.com/CM/Custom/TOCChildCus todyandParentingTime.asp" title="http://www.bpalmerlaw.com/CM/Custom/TOCChildCus todyandParentingTime.asp" target="_blank"http://www.bpalmerlaw.com/CM/.... They have information on adolescent's rights in custody cases. Basically, if you want to fight this, you got a good chance at winning. Either go back to the custody courts, or say that you will hate every moment you spend with him and plan to lose all contact once you turn 18. Something should get through sooner or later. Also...I love you a whole helluva lot. And if somehow (although it's doubtful) you have to live in Corvallis, I'll always remember you as one of my best friends, and wish it would've turned out differently. Or I'll just come down to Corvallis every weekend to see you. But, mainly, I'm not letting you leave Beaverton until it's under your choice. :D. I have friends in high-places.
Sappy, I know...but how can you let a song that says everything that I've been dying to say go without publication?
How can I just let you walk away Just let you leave without a trace When I stand here taking every breath with you (ooh..) You're the only one who really knew me at all How can you just walk away from me When all I can do is watch you leave? 'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain And even shared the tears You're the only one who really knew me at all So take a look at me now There's just an empty space There's nothing left here to remind me Just the memory of your face But take a look at me now There's just an empty space And you coming back to me is against the odds And that's what I've gotta face I wish I could just make you turn around Turn around and see me cry There's so much I need to say to you So many reasons why You're the only one who really knew me at all So take a look at me now There's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me Just the memory of your face But take a look at me now There's just an empty space But to wait for you is all I can do And that's what I've gotta face Take a look at me now I'll just be standing here And you coming back to me Is against the odds And that's a chance I've gotta face
'If you can't find the light, come to me. I'll show it to you, always.' Yea....and it has to get worse before it gets better, too. RIGHT? Now's the time when you tell me when life will start getting brighter. When I'll finally hit 'morning' in my life. Because it's been the bleak of night for way too fucking long, and I'm sick of this.
So it's late. And I just remember what it felt like trying to get 8 hours of sleep. It's around 11:40, I was in bed at 10 in the hopes that I'd be asleep by 10:30. 10:30 rolls around...and passes...then 11...then 11:15...then 11:30...You get the idea. I get up at about 8 in the morning now for no reason except wanting to tire myself out so I'll sleep better. (doesn't work) I spent a half hour laying motionless in my bed thinking that if I laid there long enough my body would put itself in paralysis or a coma (yea...it's late...this is my logic,lol) I found out that I can feel my heartbeat in my stomach when I'm hungry...vair vair weird. The word bellybutton grosses me out, just like back, and foot, and broach. And, those horrendous scars on my chest? The ones that everyone's seen and thought they were tumors? They don't have nerves in them... So, being smart like I am, I cut one up. Just to see what it would do. Duh. It bled. And is swollen. Yoowwwouch. Paced my room, organized my clothes in my closet by color and frequency of being worn, read, drew Mattie a picture, then memorized RATM and KoRn lyrics because I don't have friends. Also was trying to think about things that make me 'unique'. here's what I got: I have three pillows on my bed, but don't sleep with a pillow Sleep on my stomach with my head towards my left shoulder Sleep in the fetal position...always... My eyes aren't equally aligned My right middle finger is larger than my left My right thumb is crooked and swollen from a weird accident I..uh...know Jon Davis' life story? That's all I got. I need more. I should be unique-tastic.
By now, I'm ready to blow my head off. I've listened to the Papa Roach CD, Issues, and Mad Season. If I'm awake by midnight, I'm killing myself. I'm damn tired of staying awake until I collapse and then waking up early anyways. FUCK YOU MR.SANDMAN! HOW COME I DON'T GET THAT MAGIC SLEEP DUST!
