Will you walk me to the edge again. Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again. Woke up tonight and no one's here with me. I'm giving in to you. Tonight,take me under. I'm giving in to you. I'm dying tonight. I'm giving in to you. Watch me crumble. I'm giving in to you. I'm crying tonight. Caught up in life. Losing all my friends. Family has tried to heal all my addictions. Tragic it seems, to be alone again. I'm giving in to you. I look forward, to dying tonight. Drink 'till I'm myself, life's harder every day. The stress has got me, I'm giving in. I'm killing all the pain. I'm dying tonight. I'm sick of all this pain. Watch me crumble. I'm killing all the pain. I'm crying tonight
Today you told me that I'd hate you forever. I can't believe what's really going on. Somehow I knew that you felt guilty for something, but tell me why you do this to me. Today you told me that I'd hate you forever. I can't believe that you'd wreck my life.I was betrayed, how can you say that you feel sorry inside. It's devastating, losing close friends. I've gone away, you make me stay but I can't deal with the lies. I've gone insane, losing close friends. Today I made the worst mistake, I put my trust into someone I don't know. And now I know because you've done everything possible to me. Made me so upset. And now I know just who to trust because you're laying in bed. You're thinking 'bout all that fucked up shit. I'm so weak. The closeness of your skin. The smell of this place makes me go insane. I was betrayed, how can you say that you feel sorry inside. It's devastating, losing close friends. I've gone away, you make me stay but I can't deal with the lies. I've gone insane, losing close friends
I went outside to take a walk, so I could relive memories. I thought that you would lend a hand, but you were never ever there. It's all in your mind, you do what you wanna do. Your promises are all played out. You've got your wish you've worn me down. I treated you the best I could. I realize that I don't need you. I lost my way when you left home. I thought that you could change your life. What did I do, why do you lie. You've walked back and my hands are tied. I'm tired. I'm so damn angry with you. You're not gonna change, I see who you really are. Your promises, your promises, They're all played out
heh...it's funny how much everything's changed.
How much I've changed...
(by the way, every one of those songs made me cry. And, yea, they're symbolic. Not that hard to figure out)
I spent the entire day in salons or in make up departments striving to look perfect. Which didn't really work. But I was close to looking like a flat chested barbie!
'Doesn't she look pretty?' 'Incredibly.' ^^Awwww...that was one of the sweetest...
Eating at Old Spaghetti Factory was fun...Applesauce rocks my strappy heels off. Walking nearly to Starbucks was pretty pointless, but fun strutting our stuff on the crosswalk. Yea, on the crosswalk. I shake my little tush on the crosswalk. Everyone looked amazing. Everyone looked HOT LIKE WOAH. The dance? Best thing ever. Uncomfortable walking through the crowds and getting groped. But, hey, I'm jaded. The center of the floor was effin' bumping. Found my new passion for dancing in crowds. Took pictures with Andy and Chris. Awww..I love those two! oh! And people said I was pretty! Even that one Pat guy in my spanish class with the gorgeous eyes said I looked beautiful! Ran dom people I didn't know said I looked good. Same with Jared...asian Jared? Don't know his last name. 'Wow! You look sexy!' Tia was like '*sizzle noise*' And Morgan and Kiley were smokin'. Not too mention Hot Dan, too...yowzah. Hot Dan, was ofcourse, looking hot. My dress was retarded and kept falling down. I don't mean to fondle myself all the time, but it's better than me flashing all of you. I also had to stuff about 7 dollars in my pudding cup bra (that thing is so awesome) and looked like a ho. But it fit the moment...freak dancing to Get Low in the middle of the dance floor, and having 5 one dollar bills pop out of my right boob. Or to Yeah, or that one song I didn't know. Oh, and doing the Cha Cha in a dress that comes down? Not smart. Specially when you're body to body with Ian, who can see down your dress. Haha, like the view?! I'm not wearing a strapless again...ever. lol. Slowdancing was hot, literally. Same with the bump and grinding (haha) waaay too many bodies, and being waaay too pressed up on Ian. And that better have been his belt buckle I was feeling. It was like 90 degrees up in thurr. I slowdanced with Chris backwards, too! yayayay! Mattie and Carlos...Ooh lala! Me and Ian? Ooh lala-er! He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. For the last song and a half, everyone witnessed some PDA. But that's okay...no one really cared...cept for those people screaming GET A ROOM! And apparently, you can feel my ass really well in that dress.
I'm pretty sure I'm leaving out about 700 details. And about 700 things between Ian and I that no one wants to hear about (haha, jk. but seriously..I'm not) But, there's not a word that could describe last nights awesome-ness. Everyone was beautiful, and I nearly fell out of my dress. Those alone are enough to deem it wonderful, lol.
Oh. My dad? Yea...everyone saw the episode last night. haha...it didn't fly. He was pissed and yelling at me on the phone, and I was scared because if he saw me I'd be butchered. I did some serious lying so I could be able to get a ride home with my mom. He didn't talk to me last night...and it's about 1 pm the next day and I still haven't seen him.
'Be careful' Yea... I was. You fucking happy? Oh, I also talked to him. So you don't have to be so damn pissed and just accept that I'm not who I once was, and I never will be. I didn't want to show that I cared because things get messed up when I do. I can just numb myself and not think about it and then I don't care. But everything's fine now...
And perhaps this only feels weird because I'm not dating you. Way to dig a hole in my heart and stay there forever.
Love and for morp, I'm making a backless halter dress in bright red...so now I'll feel even more naked if you dance with me! Nat
I know Mattie's gonna think this is pretty sweet when she reads it:
Sooo...I can never really tell when I'm hungry. I just can't; my hunger-dar is broken. When my stomach starts hurting, I rarely relate it to hunger. On Thursday I went home after hanging with the guys for a bit, and couldn't stand up because my stomach was hurting so badly. I thought it was just trying to revolt, or I was so nervouse about homecoming that I was getting that stupid throw-up thing again. After trying to stand up four times and falling back down because of the crippling pain, I feel light headed and dizzy, and decide to sleep. Or pass out. & nbsp; My mom was home because of a stupid problem earlier, and she comes downstairs and starts talking to me. And, surprise! I don't respond. She starts shaking me awake, but I don't do much, and then it's understood that I fainted. After slapping my neck and calling my name, I come back. Mom thinks that I was hemmorhaging from somewhere, and looks for cuts/blood. I tell her that the last thing I remember was my stomach hurting. She whips out the corn syrup and a little butterfinger bar and makes me eat both. Which, if you've never tried, is really nasty. & nbsp; Wow...I'm just like my diabetic dog. But apparently I'm not diabetic, my blood sugar had just hit rock bottom and I passed out. I'm so cool... & nbsp; She thinks I'm getting into troubles with eating (I'm not) and wants to get weekly weigh-ins for me. Okay...you stupid shits...look at my body. Look at my body three months ago. If you haven't fucking noticed, it's similair. I haven't lost more than ten pounds IN THE LAST THREE DAMN MONTHS! OBVIOUSLY THAT SIGNALS THAT THERE IS NOT A PROBLEM HERE!!!! I hadn't eaten sugary foods in awhile, and I just kind of conked out. & nbsp; Then the famous question of what I was eating comes up: Thursday, a banana and a piece of toast. Wednesday, muffin and an apple. Tuesday, orange and a peanut butter jelly sandwich. THERE! THAT"S SUGAR! and fat! peanut butter and jelly! But, that's not enough...supposedly.
Whatever...i'm fine, and no one else is seeing that. But if you look at my plump body, which HAS STAYED THE FUCKING SAME maybe you'd see it too.
So, as my dad climbs the ladder to being a complete Asshole.
On friday night, he forgot my name. On thursday, he said he'd pick me up at three. Calls at 5 and said he was busy so he couldn't do it, and he'll pick me up at 7. At 7:30 he sends me back to my mom's house after being with him for only thirty minutes because him and my sister need to go to Lloyd Center and I can't be with them. It'd be too much of a hassle. Gee...thanks... He said he'd be back soon, but shows to pick us up at 9:30. And then gets pissed because I'm up late.
Okay...it's been established that my dad is not good...but come on! Maybe once! You could prove everyone wrong?! And maybe LOVE ME. That one made it a fun night to cry myself to sleep. But, it's not so bad anymore. I still cry too much, but it doesn't hurt the same. Magic...I'm jaded now to being ignored by my father.
Homecoming game was fucked up. I walked off in the middle of a bunch of people's sentences becuase I didn't want to hear it, and I just wanted to be alone. Which is hard to do there. I ended up looking like a loner and meandering in ginormous crowds. Ofcourse, since I'm 'fucking stupid' I deserve that. Because apparently, I can't have a guy friend and a 'friends with benefits' (that term is starting to be damn disgusting) And getting a piggy back ride from my guy friend, is obviously out of the question. Or hugging him. Or still being his friend What the hell. You have to be fucking blind to not be able to see that there's not going to be anything between us anymore. No matter how much one wants there to be...it won't. He didn't take action on that infamous 'spark' and everything died.
And now I feel like a fucking slut (because I am one) and don't know how I let this happen to me. I'm still disgusted, and I still know it's my fault. But, you could do your part and just back out of this whole situation. Because I don't see anyone else having a problem with this. And the more I'm thinking what I want to say, the more I realize you'll get even more pissed so I'll sum of every thought with these words: No one else seems to care. Ian doesn't know/doesn't care. But it wouldn't matter if he did find out, because regardless of what I feel, it could never happen. You can't build a relationship with only one person interested.
I recently discovered that these songs remind me of that one day in mid-July when I went to say bye to Bobo, and every little fucking thing that happened.
Tell myself, on the ride home. Getting tired, hating all I've known. Holding on, like it's all I have. Count me out, when it's clear that I, find it hard to say. And you, find it hard to care.
I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me. Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me.
Got this way, upfront but never true. God I'm wrong, it's just the way I am. Crashing down, any chance you hear. Caving in, any chance that you, could see inside of me. And I, I'll know what to say, It's fine. This isn't Hollywood. So fine, getting in your way.
I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me. Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me.
I'm taking a chance, this could be different. This could be all I'm waiting for. Taking a chance, this could be different. This could be all I'm waiting for.
I'll leave the lights down low so she knows I mean business And maybe we could talk this over Cause I could be your best bet Let alone your worst ex And let alone your worst...
I wanna hate you so bad But I can't (but I can't) stop this anymore than you can
So honestly, how could you say those things when you know they don't mean anything And you know very well that I can't keep my hands to myself, hands to myself
I wanna hate you so bad But I can't (but I can't) stop this anymore than you can
This is all wrong and it shows There's certain things I promised not to let you know, (I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the edge of my seat, I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the...) not to let you know I never let you, never let you, never...
You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat But you're only counting the clock against the train And I'm miserable, oh (I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the edge of my seat, I've got a silly way of keepin you up on the...) And you're just getting started I'm miserable, oh And you're just getting started
You've got me right where you want me (let's never talk) Let's never talk, let's never, let's never talk about this again because... I didn't want it to mean that much to me I didn't want it to mean that much to me I didn't want it to mean that much to me I didn't want it to mean that much to me
I didn't want it to, but low and behold, it did! You hold me so tightly I can barely breath, and that only provokes those old memories... I'm not saying I don't like it, but I don't know what to do. Wrongful loves never die, and I could have something new/different/probably better. But somehow, I like our history. You either like me or you don't. Choose.
Ian moved yesterday...no more walking me home... *Sigh* & nbsp; This boy makes it easier and easier to follow around with a love-struck look in the eyes. Calling at 9 pm to talk until 11:30 just because both of us don't sleep. Mattie asked what we talk about, and I didn't have a good answer. Honestly...I don't remember what we say...It's just talking about everything and nothing. (I wanna hear your voice out loud) And it was the first time that someone said, 'But I love you more!' when I told them I loved them. & nbsp; And walking home, I can hold his hand. And he puts his arms around me. And he doesn't swear (well he kind of does...but I get to slap him) and if I swear he has permission to give me the largest thong wedgie known to man-kind. Haha...he didn't believe you couldn't give a girl a black eyed susan with a bra on. Oh...so totally proved you wrong, son. I can almost kind of skateboard now, too! And he duct taped his mouth so he wouldn't swear again, and kissed me. Which, if you haven't kissed someone with a duct taped mouth, it's kind of fun. And the whole kissing on the forehead/cheek is cute as hell. And him being the perfect heigth to kiss normally...and having Katie Siewart's dad possibly see us (yikes) is fandango.
It's the first time in my life I'm wanted. I'm honestly loved. And I still can't find the reason why this isn't clicking in my brain. Why I'm not jumping all over the fact that he could be the best thing to happen to me. Or wanting to be his girlfriend... Maybe it's time. Yes, it's time. I'll blame it on the fact that I don't know him that well. (But you do, you stupid fuck...you spend two hours a night on the phone with hiim right after spending three hours after school walking around/skateboarding. How the hell is that not knowing someone enough.)
Got my makeup done at 11 pm on friday night. It was pretty cool. And I look a little asian...but drop dead sexy none the less. Be prepared to have your jaws hit the floor, boys. And girls, possibly.
IF ANYONE! ANYONE! ANYONE! HAS EMPTY GUM WRAPPERS! (not those little silver things you wrap the gum in, but the packet that all the gum comes in) GIVE IT TO ME! SAVE THEM AND PUT THEM IN A BOX AND MAIL THEM IF YOU HAVE TO! THE LABELED WRAPPER! (the part that says Extra on it, or says Juicy Fruit, or the Orbitz little flippy box. Extra points if you can get gum from a different country...or just Dentyne gum. those are the shit) ANYHOW! GIMME GIMME GIMME!
Haha...man...I rule at planning this...
Tennis hurt me. Yowzah.
Seeing Summer was pretty shweeet. She has boobs. Jon looks a little like a woman with the hair.
Lessons with Gecko were like RAAR.
Got a bunch of new tennis stuff.
And my homecoming hair style :-D
Love and Seriously people...I want those gum packet wrappers. Nat
I'm sick and tired. Not so much sick anymore, but definately tired.
I hate this. I find myself saying 'hate' more now a days, but it's true. I just fucking hate hate hate hate not being able to sleep. I loathe having to take meds at 14 so I can actually goddamn fall asleep. I despise people asking why I don't sleep. I detest saying 'I slept four hours tonight! It was a good night too!' Or trying to convince people that getting 16 hours a week is a 'good week'. YOU TRY FUCKING SURVIVING ON 13 HOURS OF SLEEP FOR SEVEN DAYS! SEE HOW THAT FUCKING WORKS! BECUASE IT DOESN'T! And all the time that I'm awake at 4 in the morning, wishing God would kill me, or I'd kill myself, I cry. Because I hate. not sleeping. Say you can sleep, only provokes the worst envy in me. So if you can, shut up, because I guarantee you, I'll rip your jugular out. I'm disgusted with having to wear three pounds of make up under my eyes just so I can pass as normal. You want to know what I look like?! What only sleeping three hours a night does to a girl?! Find me...I'm going to stop trying to hide what is only too obvious.
And, my god! The logical thing! Take your sleeping meds! yah! Sure, that'll work...until I start popping four a night becuase they stop fucking working. Or, taking them at ten pm, and still having the fucking effects because you slept 8 hours instead of the prescribed ten. So you're screwed in your first period class becuase your body is heavily drugged.
I hate the idea of sleeping. Who ever started man kind is a cruel bastard to gift some people with rest, and keep others devoid of it.
Certain recent events have traumatized me into a sleepless shock, also. Thank you.
This wasn't meant to happen to me. I'm not that type of girl. Not to me. This wasn't in my future. I'm the 'Angel'... This isn't me. I can't believe it, this happens to other people...not me. I'm a fucking hollow shell now. I tried hiding under North Stair but you only found me...
I'm paranoid now. I figure I'd be better off dead.
I think once I accepted that I lost you for good, I stopped being a bitch. Doesn't mean I don't want to, just that I can't anymore. No use, really. Although wearing your sweatshirt provoked memories of a love that won't stop lingering...it doesn't help when you're so nice about it, too.
My dad's pissed as hell.
Because fucking genius here has a goddamn B in Spanish. Yea, a B...people who know me know that I DON'T get anything below an A. I get pissed at myself when I get a 92%...A B is going to kill me. And my dad, apparently. Ohhh man....that didn't go over well....
He made me cry. But, I don't care anymore...this is the same shit that I go through every goddamn day I'm over here. And it's not changing. This is stupid and worthless and futile trying to be good enough for him. Because I never will be. And I could cure cancer, but he'd still call me a slut.
Which I am. Another thing I have to beat myself up over.
Not a whole lot of happy thoughts or love going around in my head...besides the entire student population seeing Ian and I kiss. Oh, and bus 26.
"Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight Lead me out on the moonlit floor Lift your open hand Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance Silver moon's sparkling So kiss me"
Hehe...making out in front of the bleachers while 9032744257 people are watching is fun. So is in front of Shaun's house. And outside of the gates where people whistle at us.
Call it my massochistic side coming out, but someone biting my ear is really hot.... But kissing my hand or cheek is equally as cutteee!
I have a permanent case of the Retard Smiles after tonight. And of being a klutz.
If you didn't see what happened, you're blessed; and if you did...you tell anyone and I take your ovaries. Yea, I'm bruised. Way to go ya fucking klutz. So...yea..single most embarassing moment in my life, and I'll hang my head in shame.
Mattie...you tell anyone...you're so going to be smothered in your sleep. Hardcore.
Love and Oooh wow..can you hear the thumping of my heart? Natalie 'I CAN RUN! YAAAY!' Minas
So, obviously, I'm the neo-nazi for liking german music, but him yelling at me because I like someone of color is okay. I'm Hitler's spawn for liking Rammstein, and he's the fucking Mary Virgin for being able to hate me for going to homecoming with Ian. I'm not even angry anymore...I mean, when he started shouting in the car, I was crying because I was so angry...but now it just makes me feel hollow. I'm ashamed of him. I'm ashamed to be known as his daughter. I'm ashamed to have 'Minas' tacked on to my name. I don't like him. I don't like what he does. I don't like the way he treats me. I don't like the way he treats everyone else... I just don't like him. I'm trying not to be bitter...but fuck, it's hard. Apparently I can't fall in love with anyone because he'll find fault. I could say that Ian was the fucking pope, but it still wouldn't matter...because he's still mexipino.
Thinking about my dad makes my skin crawl. I never knew this would happen; I figured I'd just hate him for the rest of my life. But it's not an acid type of hate...just a sad type. The pitying type of hate.
I hope he fucking chokes on a matzah ball and dies. And watch me wear a fucking slutty tank top and whore myself away on top of his grave.
Ass.
Erghhh...I'm sick. Thanks Ian! jkjk. My voice is really bad...equivalent to a man's. My laugh is like *beastly beastly* I <3 kissing/licking the invalid. I'm getting better, I think? Ya'll just have to suffer through my 10 year old boy sounding voice for a couple of days.
Uhh..Brannon Knutschen? Maybe? I don't even know his name? And he asked me to homecoming. The hell man, make sure I know you first. Haha, even though he sits right next to me in LA, I still don't know you, lol. I should make a tally of the guys that have asked me...
I never really get home before 4 pm now a days. I'm out and about watching some fools skateboard and laying in Ian's arms :-D. If you don't want to throw up from Natalie being a Romantic, you won't want to read the following sentences: Jesus...I love Ian Morales. Lol...everything that he does. Liking my hair when it looked disgusting (my sex hair), calling me beautiful, putting his arms around me...or just lying on the ground in front of Shaun JONES! house while in his arms. Or the way he hugs, and kisses..and...geeezuusss! I love it! I smile all the time now; it's almost scary. I don't want to take a handful of pills, or cut my wrists anymore...I just want to hug Ian and smile. Smile smile smile. But, the first time in my life, I feel loved. Actually fucking loved. And, sure, I've made some mistakes in my past, and that love never lasted...what was it? the longest time? a month? and then I was old news? Not with Ian.
D3adBattery: man i miss u already! D3adBattery: haha wow natalie i love u .. ur so great NatXCore0606: I love you too D3adBattery: haha NatXCore0606: I get the Retard Smiles when I say that D3adBattery: hahaha D3adBattery: u do D3adBattery: i think its really pretty NatXCore0606: Lol D3adBattery: u god damn give me the lil butterflys when u say that D3adBattery: hahaha NatXCore0606: I didn't think guys got that D3adBattery: well shit D3adBattery: lol i do NatXCore0606: Lol D3adBattery: ur so comfy NatXCore0606: Lol NatXCore0606: I like your arms around me, haha D3adBattery: lol really NatXCore0606: yea D3adBattery: hehe well maybe ill just have em around u more often then D3adBattery: i like the way u kiss :-) D3adBattery: ur good at that NatXCore0606: Lol NatXCore0606: You're a nice height to kiss NatXCore0606: which sounds weird D3adBattery: hahah D3adBattery: lol u like smile when u kiss D3adBattery: hahahahaha D3adBattery: its so funny NatXCore0606: Lol, well..it's cause I like ya :-D D3adBattery: ahhhhhhh D3adBattery: im dying NatXCore0606: Aww...ian sad. D3adBattery: yea :-( i am NatXCore0606: Lol, why? D3adBattery: lol im always sad for no reason D3adBattery: im only not sad when im around u D3adBattery: cuz ur just dandy to be with D3adBattery: shit g2g D3adBattery: love u love u love u
Ahh...*sigh* I'm pretty sure everyone in our neighborhood has seen Ian and I together, lol. Excuse me while I do my retard smiles and my heart flies out of my chest.
Mrs. Post: They're running into problems where highschool football guys are getting real big...like 300 pounds.. Matt.: Wow...that's beastly.
Ryan: Matt, Can I have one of those gnomes on top of your fire place? Matt.: Those are my mom's. You can't take my mom's gnomes. Go get that picture from your parent's Escalade that I gave you of the gnomes. Nat: Your parents have an Escalade?!?! Ryan: Yea...it's white..we got 32's on it...my parent's think we're black. Matt.:...Yea...they do, huh
Matt.:Nat! Who are you going to homecoming with? Nat: Erm..Ian? Matt.:Oh! Asian! With long hair?! Nat:...yea... Matt.:Okay. I approve. You can go with him. He's a total beast. Patrick: You need his permission? Matt.:Yea...I totally own her.
Because I know all of you guys care about my sleeping habits; it's getting worse. You'll probably find that out by looking at my eyes and seeing those rather foxy dark circles, or that I act semi-retarded from exhaustion. I figure I'll be crashing soon. Yesssss....
& nbsp; First heavy rain of the school year! Yayayayay. I didn't have a jacket with me that day because I was at my dad's, and I had gotten in a bitch fight and forgot my sweatshirt...but it was all good. Kind of. Heh, it was a rather dreary day. & nbsp; But, uh, I may be getting over my handphobia? I went outside at lunch (while it was around 40 degrees and pouring rain) and was holding hands with Ian. How he stays warm in shorts and t shirts is beyond me...not fair. Ian puts his arm around my shoulders, haha...*que Natalie's knees to buckle*
After school, right around the point Ian picked up on the licking game (lol), I decided to go to the rock concert. Seeing as it was a day I was supposed to spend with my father, this wasn't going to go over well, but I did it anyways. I left about 6 messages on various phones, and decided I was going to get yelled at either way, so I just went. Oh. My. God. Jake? The guy with the pink and black beanie? He is absolutely amazing. Everyone there was amazin amazin amazin. But he was doing accoustic songs inbetween sets and played Swing Life Away! I KNOW! RISE AGAINST! AHHHHH! Ian, me, Maryland, and Justin were all sitting in the second row, and I was about to cry when that song came on. lol. & nbsp; Tim Homsley, Jared's bro, has a voice like Adam Levine and he kicks ass at singing. He looks all fall out boy, but he's sexy sexy sexy and plays base hella good, same with piano. And he sang Hey Jude and I was like MY GAWWD! He's got skills with music. & nbsp; Knu Threat was pretty good...the guy from my chemistry class had game with guitar. Their songs were aiight...the Abduction!!! was okay too. They needed a better singer *Cough* Like TREVOR! *cough* Man..I never knew how sexy he was. Playing base and then getting that low low low voice... & nbsp; RENEGADE SAINTS!!!! AHAHAHAHA! They had a white guy trying to do Zack De La Rocha shit. (Rage against the machine for all you un-fandango people) They played Guerilla Radio, Sleep Now In The Fire, and Killing In The Name Of. His voice wasn't spot on, but he tried. Lol, he screamed the mic out a couple of times. BUT THE GUITAR! HE GOT IT ALL! LIKE TOM MORELLLOOOO!!!! That was probably my fave band. Besides Jake doing his stuff. ALL HELL CAN'T STOP US NOW!!!!!! ALLLL HELLLLL CAN'T STOP US NOW!!!! TURN ON YO RADIO! FUCK IT! TURN IT OFF! FEAR IS YOUR ONLY GOD ON THE RADIO! FUCK IT! TURN IT ON! TURN IT OFF! TURN ON YO RADIO! SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRREEE!!!!!!!!!!!! & nbsp; Haha...Ian kept my legs warm.... After the show, I had to run to my house because my dad wasn't really too sure on where I was and when I'd get back, and guess what?!?! It was raining! *shock*. Me, Ian, Maryland, Shaun, and Zach all walked home. I had turned red and started turning blue from the cold (remember I only had one layer on) and Ian was holding me. Awwwww! I was, once again, able to have him hold my hands because I was too numb to feel anything, lol. But jesus, I don't know if people get nicer than him. Or more romantic, or more sweeter, or more first-person-to-treat-me- like-this. I had to turn off to go to my house, and I was hugging him...which usually lasts a couple minutes, lol. It's not the same feeling of being engulfed as when I hug a person over 6 feet, but it's nice. Zach always makes fun of us because of the length of time we hug (haha, I'm not minding it...) Then my mom drove by. She doesn't care too much about Ian...actually she likes him a whole helluva lot. Better than Mike, I think. She gave him brownie points when he started calling the house to talk to me. And, well, so did I.
& nbsp; As expected, my dad flew off the handle. Something's kind of clicked inside of me so I don't care about this yelling. I mean, I do care...it still makes me cry, and it still hurts as much when he calls me an 'irresponsible whore gallavanting around with boys' or 'ugly' (ha, yea, he called me ugly. i called him a Jew though.) but I'm just so fucking sick of this. It's day after day after day of being pushed down into the ground, and told I'm worthless and shouldn't be here...I'm just tired. It's probably the fact that I'm breaking the physical limits of exhaustion, but I'm honestly tired of everything he does. It doesn't provoke the same intense anger and grief...just a feeling of acceptance and wanting to lay my head down and cry. & nbsp; I'll believe what he says. I've been called it for too long of a time. I don't care anymore, though. Yea, so, I may be a whore..look how much I hang with Ian. Yea, I'm probably ugly...look at my haggard appearance from sleep deprivation. But I don't want to cry about him, or punch walls. I just...want to sleep..so. damn. badly. He could call me whatever name he can come up with, but until I'm able to see straight, it's not gonna phase me.
I'm in a helluva lot of trouble. Pretty bad. Don't count on making any plans with me this weekend, haha. He's not here half the time, which means on a scale of 1 to 10 of pissedness, he's at a 9537.
Love and my ears still ring from the concert. And my heart still skips a beat with Ian. Nat
Andrew: How big is your bed? Ian: Fuck yo couch Andrew: Like normal sized? Ian: Well, your mom fit on it...so pretty big, I'd say. Andrew: *Blank angry stare* Nat: YOU JUST GOT OWNNNEEDDD! Ian: That's what you get for asking stupid fuckin' questions.
LOL!!!
Fat penguin What? Saying something to break the ice.
