Last Summer I went to Arizona.  And I cried when I left.

I'm going back in 7 hours...and, I'm not going to lie, it's gonna be nice being somewhere that isn't so...fucked.

My sister cries.  Quite a bit in fact.  Let's just say....10 hours a week?
Is that normal?
I think not.
It's hard walking by her room and hearing her sob.  I mean, jesus, what am I supposed to do?  She's so helpless, it seems; and she's my damn sister.  All because my dad...I hope karma has something for him later in life.
I'm thinking painful death by choking.

Uh...Christmas at my dad's house was less than pleasant.  Let's leave it at that.

Christmas at my mom's was amazing, like always.  It feels like a family over here...not something forced out of fear.

Ian....I'm hoping you'll somehow come across this and read it.  I'm sure it will make you feel more assured of everything.

You were pretty much my fucking life in eigth grade.  All the shit that happened, all the friendships that I ruined, all the times I was crying thinking about you ruining our relationships...it was all because of things surrounding us.
I get disgusted calling it an 'us.'
Being around you reminds me of old times, but, do I want old times?  Do I want to emotionally kill my best friend? Do I want to literally kill a person who means more to me than you possibly could imagine?
I can't believe I was so...ignorant? Stupid? Blind?  Everyone told me it was wrong, but I ignored it because I thought you could be better.  I thought you could be something you weren't to me.  And, you're not a bad person...just...I feel bad; I thought you were good for me.
Because obviously we're not a good match.  I had the opportunity to fuck something real good up the other day, but I didn't...because I found someone who is everything I had wanted you to be.
And your claws have finally dropped from my heart.

Happy trails, buddy.  Never again will I be looking back.

I stayed up until nearly 4 am talking to Ian.
And then passed out, hahaha...
I kind of really fucking love this kid.

Love and airplanes tomorrow at 6 am,
Nat

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not as they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world
Excuse me sir, but I had plans to die tonight
Oh and you are directly in my way
And I bet you’re gonna say it’s not right
My reply
Excuse me miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you’re talking to
She said I don’t care you don’t even know me
I said I know but I’d like to change that soon hopefully
Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
See the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets
You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died
My reply
Trust me girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice
Instead of dying living with me
I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliché motivation it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do
My offer stands and you must choose
Alright you win but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you will never see it coming
Said oh precious I know what you are going through
See minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too

These pills aren't working anymore 
My guts are spilling out onto the floor 
of a nightmare you wouldn't believe 
of a nightmare you could not conceive of 
You're floating above my head 
There are words carved in my chest 
and they said, 
"Could somebody show me the kind of affection 
that you only see in the movies, you know what I mean"
 I will suck the elixir from your fingertips 
Until I feel my head starts caving in 
My mouth will overflow with your evil soul 
And I'll be convulsing for days in this hole 
Bubbling at the lips that you used to love to kiss 
Well, I think I'm trying to wake up, but I can't
These pills aren't working anymore 
My eyes are gouged out and rolling under the door 
It blacks out the nightmare you wouldn't believe 
a nightmare you could not conceive of 
I will suck the elixir from your fingertips 
Until I feel my head starts caving in 
My mouth will overflow with your evil soul 
And I'll be convulsing for days in this hole 
Bubbling at the lips 
I know you never meant to do everything you put me through 
It's okay I forgive you 
Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes 
I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind 

The future was meant to hold hope and promise.
So, where does it say that it's okay for tomorrow to continually be the worst day of my life?

Three more days until I'm gone.  5 More days until we have  to go into that family counseling thing.  7 more days until I go to Arizona.

I was trying to fall asleep the other night, and seeing as God hates me, it wasn't working.  So I get to thinking (cue the bad thing about to happen).
You know when you're about to cry?  And there's that ball of emotion that rises up into your throat?  And I always have to keep mine held in because I can't cry?
It's stuck.  I feel like I'm permanently about to cry.   And I don't know why...It's weighing my haert down.  It just feels fucking heavy.
I don't want the next five days to happen.

Fuck...I actually forgot what purpose I had for writing this.  Ignore it all .

Last week was stressful?
I think?

I can't remember anything that happened.  Every week sort of blends in with the others.  *sigh*

My mom gave me a talk on sleep deprivity; something that I seem to be suffering from pretty badly.  I kind of passed out once or twice because I don't sleep enough.  And on the weekends, when I have to catch up on Honors, I'll read Into The Wild...and randomly fall face first on to my floor. 
It's not a good sign.

Also the whole retard eating thing is coming back again.  Thank you Mattie for bitching me into eating? Even though it didn't work...you just kind of bitched me.  Lol.  Same with Ian, who didn't even bitch.
Just 'took care of me' 

Fuck people...don't try to tell me what I should do. Don't 'take care of me'. Don't shelter me. And don't treat me like some four year old who can't make her own fucking decisions.

It makes me sleep nicely though...kind of. Weird night terrors been happening.

Snow was fun.
First time for Ian.
Bruised so badly I can't walk.
^^^They're kind of sexy...all bumped up...wanna touch em?

Love and extreme sledding off of a skateboard ramp at night,
Nat

Okay.
I love KoRn.
That's a fact.
Anything they produce is righteous.
That's a fact.
I found the entire See You On The Otherside album on the internet.

And what the fuck guys.

Honestly.

You're ...good...Kind of.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK?!!???

JONATHAN DAVIS WAS NOT MEANT TO SING HIGH! HE WAS NOT MEANT TO SING A FUCKING SLOW SONG! HE SOUNDS LIKE ASS!!! (listen to Tearjerker) AND YOUR LYRICS ARE SHITTYYY!!!!!!!!!! (Politics)

OKay...there are good songs: Coming Undone, Hypocrite, Throw Me Away, Love song...

BUT HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUNKY IS SCREAMING! NOT GOOD! HIS VOICE BLOWS AT SCREAMING. AND JON ISSSNNNNN'''"TTTTTTT SCREAMING.

THE FUCK!??!!?

I'm so pissed I'm just going to cut my wrists and die in my own KoRn-better-not-suck-any- harder-than-this-album-do es-because-they-might-pop -something blood.
KoRn is still amazing.

But this album needs WORK.

You ever look in the mirror
and then start to cry
because that's not who you are,
and that's not what you want to be.

And it's the first time that you actually see yourself.
Not look at, but literally see.

It's an eye-opener.

I don't...I...well...I just don't like me anymore.  I don't 'like' me.  I don't like anything.  I hate it when people tell me that I'm pretty (Ian, suck it) becuase it only makes it worse when you lie to make me feel better. And I hate it when people tell me I'm skinny because it's like trying to tell a hippo that it doesn't look fat in it's swimsuit.
We all know it does.
We all know I do.
Stop lying.  And leave me alone.

My sister's back in counseling.  She's the first to crack.  She always was, and always will be.  Let's see if I go next...
    & nbsp; She cries all the time.  When I say all the time, I don't think you people understand that it is literally ALL the time.  Every fucking day, every fucking hour, every fucking minute that I see her. 
It's disgusting.
She's scared.  Petrified, actually.   She can't talk. Her grades are dropping.  She sleeps less than she already does.  And she's been in the Family counselor at school for a week.
All because she's afraid to talk to my dad.

So the burdens moved to my shoulder.  And that's okay.  Becuase, wow, remember those stories I told of when I was a little kid?  And she couldn't handle life, so I carried her?
And what that did to me?
That's what I'll do again.  Yea, it's going to hurt me.  Yea, it's going to take a lot of time.  Yea, I'm liable to do a lot of stupid things.
So shoot me.
Because humans weren't meant to go through this shit twice.

Dad is at the store right now.  I suppose I'll 'talk' with him when he gets back.

I'm not scared.  I'm numb.  I'm not actually thinking of what's about to happen.  Just...I'm focused on not breaking down.  And not letting things out.

I have a 91.3% in geometry.
Fuck.
I'm going to fail that class.

I don't do anything but homework.  Sleep has actually taken second priority to homework.  Everything has taken second priority to homework. 
And it's sad.
And it's pathetic.
And it's wrong that I can't eat sometimes because I'm working too much.
Or that I sleep two hours a night because I want to study for Chemistry.
But I have to.

Because I'm not going to fail anything.  And because that's what Lisa did.  And I'm fucking forced to live up to that image of honors and A's.

Goddamnit.
I look dead.
My face is pale and sickly.  My hair is shit.  My circulation completely stopped.  My eyes are glazed over. 

Shoot me,

Natalie

It's so nice sitting very still, in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day, I'm not ok.  Sunlight shining through my window, let's me know that I'm still alive.  Why did I ever let you inside my heart? I'm such a fool.  Paint my face in shades of blood and grey and take the seat right next to me.  But I should've known that you were a killer. But now I'm dead.  A gaping hole, shot through my heart.  A lost connection from your poison dart.  Shot from your tongue to end my life.  But if you're blowing at the fire to light your strife.  You'll never know. The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day.  A gaping hole shot through my heart.  A lost connection from your poison dart..  My head now spins and my ears bleed gold.  I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mold.  The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day. You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay.  I'll stab you one time.  I'll eat your heart out so you feel my pain.  Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?
I wanna kill you. I wanna kill you.

I have officially lost my life.
All of it.

I don't draw or paint anymore.  I don't paint my nails.  I don't play with candles.  I don't listen to KoRn as much.  I talk on the phone. I cry more than I ever have. And food has become something that's only used for energy.

Now all I do is Chemistry. And my Lit honors. Because I have to get an A. In every class. In all honors. I have a 91.7 in geometry.  I'm going to fail that damn class.

So excuse me if I decide to die one day. Possibly render myself coma-licious.  I can't take this stress.  I run only on the hope that this will be over, and that I've found the foods with the most proteins and tolerable carbohydrates so I stay awake on that.
Sleep is a luxury that I no longer have. But it's okay because I can wear make up under my eyes and function normally.
Night terrors are constant, and add to me not sleeping.

Ian and I are still fine? I guess? whatever.

Natalie