As of February 28th (if things go the way I hope) I will never ever be residing with my father for the rest of my life. I will never be living with my dad. I will never walk through the front door. I will never cry in this bed. I will never sit in an obnoxious green room and think about dying.
I WILL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN.
And it feels better than it should saying that.
My dad will be getting a call from Nancy Ross Baker on Monday. On Tuesday he'll be in counseling with me. And on Wednesday I will no longer be his daughter. And I will no longer have a father.
I suppose if you know me, you've seen what's been going on the last week or so. If you don't then... I've been going through withdrawal. And it's not like what the movies say (are there actually movies about withdrawal???) I thought I'd be fine, I've only been heavily on pills since about december? November? My memories been fucked up by all of them. But it was enough. I'm estimating, roughly, I've taken over 250 pills. (cue the shock)
I'm really hoping people aren't noticing, cause I've been trying to hide it, but I can't remember anything anymore. It's weird, like early alzheimers, but it's fucking scary. Somebody tells me something, and I panic because I can't remember it at all. I've been bullshitting too many things because my short term memory is gone.
So, I uh...OD'd on pills sometime...FUCK! I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN!!!! Something..uh. Shit shit shit. Dr. Todd knew. What was it? Godfuckingdamnit OH! I missed school one day because I was throwing up severely since I took too many pills again. It cut up my throat cause the medication had built up in my body and completely saturated my organs. My mom took me to the doctor, and they asked what was going on and like a fool, I told them. Pills are completely gone, now. There's no way I can get a hold of a single one (although I do take a couple on some nights. On bad nights though). And withdrawal was so fucking painful. It's not like getting a bad cut, painful. It's like you can't move, you can't think, you can't cry because all you feel is your stomach and every muscle shriveling. And every nerve in your body is screaming because it needs sleeping pills. I was taking tylenol for some of the pain, and took enough of that to just numb all of my body. For about 7 days? maybe a little longer? (can't FUCKING REMEMBER) I was in this crippling state of wanting a pill. Not even wanting, needing...it was obsessive. At night, when I was supposed to be sleeping, I couldn't breath, I'd start to cry, I hallucinated a few times, and started coldsweating. Ian called a couple of times (bad mistake) and I flipped out. I wanted to talk to him, but all I could say was 'Ambien, Lunesta, sleeping pill sleeping pill, medication, need, want, need need, melatonin, knockouts, i'll die'. It was wrong how..addicted? I was. If someone had one sleeping pill, doesn't matter the dosage, and told me to kill Ian with my teeth, I would've. I would've killed my family, commited robbery, anything...just for one pill.
And I went crazy a bit. Don't remember a lot except that the agony transcended pain. It was enough for me to pierce through my skin with my nails and not feel it.
But now things are fine. Kind of. Sleeping isn't too good, but it hasn't caught up with me yet. And this is the first time in a LONG time that I've been without any medication. And I'm not going to be on any medication in the future because of how bad of a dependence I get. So...Natalie's going to be in counseling for awhile to fix the problems.
It's weird to think of me as getting 'fixed' isn't it? All the problems I've had since the 7th grade...all going to be gone. Woah. Normal...
Uh, probably getting cut from tennis. That's okay, though...I knew I would.
Took 1st place, and going to state for my science project. Oh boy...nerd alert.
Natalie
Open up now, head in the sky. Pierce your tongue, to keep in the lies.
I like the feeling you get when you sneeze. You get goosebumps and your nose doesn't tickle anymore.
Besides that...
I wasn't at school this morning because my throat got cut up. You know that little piece of flesh that hangs at the back of your throat? Yea, mine is cut up cause I threw up too much. It's pretty excruciatingly painful trying to swallow. I stayed home all day, and watched the juice seperate from the melted icecubes in my glass. I slept for a lot of it (thanks to meds) and eventually went back after school was out because I missed Ian. Sad isn't it?
Got my physical. I'm growing to, at most, 5'5". Hello midgetosity for the rest of my life. I was congratulated at having the normal BMI. And now they want to test me for more blood stuff. haha, no.
Went to counseling. I'm not gonna take any meds. At all. The sleeping ones give me a tolerance, and the other ones make me feel like shit. So, it's going to go back to Natalie being a bitch. Great. Nancy says that we need to talk to my dad right away to prevent any further pain he'll cause. So, on February 28th, at 4 pm, my dad is coming into counseling with me. Holy fuck. She has to call him and tell him to 'join your daughter in a supervised talking session', and he'll miraculously agree. I bet I'm going to be getting an angry call from him and I'll be in trouble.
I don't care. I'll be getting out. That means it's fine, right? I made Nancy cry again. She really apparently feels for me...which is weird. I didn't want to cry, in fact I tried really hard not to. But she said something...and I lost it. I don't remember, it was like 'It's painful over there...isn't it? It gets lonely, I bet. And he's not a father, he's a broken person...and you shouldn't have been put through this. You needed him, and he was never there...was he. You still need him, and it hurts you knowing that you can't have him. It's not just lonely over there, it's physically painful...he doesn't notice you. There's a difference between being lonely, and then being in a room with someone who doesn't want you; that's true loneliness. When you were little, you expected his arms to open up, and for him to love you, didn't you. That's what all little kids want...a dad. It's ruined your childhood not having a 'dad', right?' & nbsp; So for anyone who didn't understand what I meant with counseling being FUCKING SHIT, I mean that they put salt in to gaping wounds. They tear out my rib cage and look at my 'I hate my dad' heart and poke it. They force you to relive the memories, to get out the raw emotion, to learn why you cry yourself to sleep. To learn why every word you say drips with acid when you speak of your father.
Life is going to be ...hard?...for the next three months. The first battle to win is getting my dad into the ocunselor's office, then we have to see if he'll listen. If not we have to go through the courts (which is going to be too similar to when I was four). Then I have to continue counseling to fix what he's broken inside of me. And you know what? When she asked me if I wanted to continue any sort of relationship with him, I started crying. Why would I want to fix a relationship when the person who is killing it has fucked me up so badly? So many things have gone sour because of him. I'm so fucking scared now because of him. My childhood, and any image of a father I wanted, has been fucking shot because he couldn't be my dad. Because the ass couldn't want me. He couldn't love me. He couldn't look at me and go 'it's okay Natalie. You're my daughter...I'M HERE FOR YOU.'
I have reasons to be this pissed off. Thank you. I don't need any medication to sedate my rage. And I have reasons to resent my father, and to wish sulfuric acid burns his eyes out for ruining my life. I hope when he's dead, he'll be turning in his grave because God won't let him rest for hurting someone this badly. I hope, when I'm 18, or whenever I don't have to live with him, that he stays in that house for the rest of his life. Without human contact. I want him to know what it's like to be scared, lonely, and cold.
My mom told me to start bringing things from his house to here...she doesn't think I'll last too much longer over there. I could tell she wanted to say, 'I don't think you'll be lasting too much longer...anywhere.' I never really thought of how hard it was to...live? I don't know. it's like a constant battle to move from my bed in the morning. And it's a uphill fight to try and want to do something. I lost interest in trying my hardest for school, now I do what gets me an A...and that's it. Living is harder than I was told it was going to be.
To get my normal life out of the way (aka the depressing things)... Here's the update:
I'm in weekly counseling with Gwen. Who wasn't my child counselor, but a court therapist. They think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from being abused as a kid/the divorce/emotional abuse after the divorce. & nbsp; I'm testing depression meds. Only because they're making me. And it makes me feel fucking sick. Some of them get me waaay too excited for everything, and other ones give me these like...godzilla cramps in my stomach. (ps...I'm not getting a presciption to any happy pills no matter what they say. And that is the end of the story.) & nbsp; Gwen says I 'repress my emotions' Fuck you. And that 'the hole in my heart is never going to be fixed with the way my dad continues to treat me. Life shuts down over there, doesn't it? It hurts hearing him say "your mother" like an insult to you guys, right? I wouldn't be able to live in that type of situation. You have to know how to seperate his bad parenting from your relationship with him. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, OKAY?' Yea! Alright! I know! I've been through this stupid shit all my life, O-FUCKING-KAY?! If I was a better kid, he'd want to be my dad. You know that's logical. & nbsp; Found a good sleeping pill (ambien). I got a little bit of a tolerance and dependency already. Whatever...I can sleep 7 hours a night, that's all that matters.
And now for the good part of my life: Aka...Ian. And the fact that my mom told me what 'love' is. And it wasn't what I thought it was...so I do actually love Ian. Which is a relief.
Anahi concert? I think so. Uhh...pretty much the best thing in my life. Besides Miggy (will you marry me?) He's got the FFTL screams, and the hair of a sex god. And looks good in girl pants. And has a kinda super hot everything. At the end of the show, I was like 'You scream amazingly' And he turned around and said thanks and asked me my name, and I told him. Then he said that he hopes to see me at his next show. I was about to hug him, but Ian was right behind me...that woulda been awkward. Oh geez. Miggy alone makes me want to be an Anahi groupie. And at the end of Make A Change he was like "JUMP!" and everyone was like Raaarh! (beat people up in the mosh pit) Which I went in to. Until I got thrown into the floor and landed on someones knee. But, it's not that scary. All you do is get tossed in there where there's a bunch of people flailing around like idiots. You get punched a couple times and then knocked over. Then someone pulls you up (some asshole grabbed my neck to pull me up) and do it again. Until someone pushes you down and you get trampled. Which didn't hurt so bad. But, uh, ...ask to see me bruises =D
Mat. was pretty supah hot on the guitar. And singing. He totally looked down at me when he started 'This One's For You'. Haha, I told you to change the name...it's shwaaaay better than 'Lovebreak'.
Came home and showered and lost my voice and talked to Ian.
After spending an unecessarily long heart-felt conversation with my mom on the phone...here's my problems in a nutshell: 1)I feel abandoned from my father, and that's why I'm bitter towards life 2)I never feel good enough, or I never feel perfect because I view my dad being an asshole as me being an asshole child 3)I feel fat and ugly well...cause I am. She said something about not feeling accepted or whatever from the divorce. 4)The one that scared me the most: I still kind of like Mike...a little...like...friendly-like, because he really does remind me of my dad. The way that I was out of sight, out of mind in the eigth grade. Or the it was never too fond of a relationship, never too romantic. Never too involved. It's all like my dad. 5)Not sleeping comes from when I remember seeing my parents fight at night as a little kid, when they thought I was asleep 6)Night terrors are from severe stress and emotional abuse trauma (i hate that term) 7)I don't sleep because I'm afraid I'll wake up, and my dad won't be home 8)And most importantly...I'm not happy with Ian. I don't want to commit to a long-term relationship. Why? Because before you're happy in a relationship, you have to be happy by yourself. And, as it's become clear to a lot of people, I'm not happy.
She kind of wants me on meds too. It's weird to think of me as depressed, huh. I guess Ian gets the shitty end of my emotions cause he's around me so much...but I'm not. I can't be. I'm sad. Just sad. I've been sad since I was 11. That's okay. I can hide it well enough.
I'm tired. I don't want to move. I think I'll sleep all day.
Oh yea, MORP. It was fun. Everyone looked nice. Ate dinner with Ian, that was fun. He made me feel pretty...really honestly pretty. It's the first time someone looked at me and went 'God, you're so damn amazingly beautiful.' and when we were slowdancing to whisper in my ear that I was the prettiest girl he's seen in his life. I don't know...I kind of lost interest this morning in telling about it. It was nice, though. Very nice. I need a better dress. Mine was kind of bad-looking/fitting.
