I can't remember much of last year because my mind is going to hell, but...uh, was I mostly obsessed with Mike?

Like not just the 'Ohhh...I love you!' way but like the paranoid and obsessive/possessive way?
Cause I think I was

And I'm doing the same thing with Ian.  Mike never really had a lot of other girls after him (or else he kept them secret) but Ian has a couple. And it's not that they want in his pants (maybe they do) but they flirt.

And it pisses me off.

Cause yea, I trust he won't do anything, but I don't trust them to not try and start it.  It pisses me off that I'm so territorial and possessive that I want only ME LIKING IAN.  SO Kelley pullin and Lizzy and Kelsee and others can suck it.

Ian doesn't like Kelley, so that's safe. Except if she starts getting too keen on him I won't feel comfortable having him eat lunch with her on A days. And Math is awkward with them.  It's not awkward...it's...it pisses me off. 

Ian likes Lizzy. He can deny it. (and if you come across this don't even try to deny it later) But it shows.  YOu don't tell someone YOU LOVE THEM ALOT, THAT THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, THAT IF THEY DIED YOU'D MISS YOUR CHANCE ON A GREAT GIRL (hello? We're supposed to be together forever, aren't we? So you'd have no chance to take on her..you're the one that wanted to marry me.)  DON'T FUCKING WONDER IF SHE'D EVER STRIP FOR YOU OR TELL HER HOW BEAUTIFUL HER SMILE IS.
You get mad at me for mike, when we don't even do anything. ANd you sit here and say this shit it's so fucking hypocritical.  I just thank god Lizzy's in another state and she can't try anything with ian..or vice versa.

I think I'm so paranoid about this because of Val and Mike.  I mean, I wouldn't be so uptight about other girls likeing my boyfriend if Mike and Val hadn't...you know.

Thanks for scarring me.

Hmmm...I think Mike and I have something we need to talk about.  Just to clear up the past.  And the more I'm around him the more I realized why I liked him...we fit, didn't we.

When we were good, we were really good.  But when we weren't I was kind of maybe too severely depressed.  And Mike and I were alike; Ian and I have about two things in common: Music, and women's clothing.
That's it.

I guess opposites attract, but in the end...you really are just opposites. And I don't even know if Mike would take me back.
If he would, would I date him?

Go through eigth grade again?  Ian's better for me, but he's not what Mike was.

GAHATHAWTH!

I'm done.

Urgh, Love and not so love-y feeling,
Nat

It's early on a Saturday morning, I can't tell if Mattie's upset, and Ianlitos isn't awake.

So I'll write this which is what I've been meaning to do for awhile.

Hadn't posted anything for a couple weeks because I know you people don't care, and I know probably only Mattie reads this. Maybe Lisa when she's lonely.

I find trying to handle and plan my future is something I'm definitely not ready for yet.  I have to do all sorts of clubs and volunteer work and honors and grades and jobs and leadership opportunities to get to my college.  'My college' isn't even definite yet, I just know it will have to be Ivy League. Because my mom says so...and that's who's presently planning my life.
Cause I don't even know what I want to do.  I don't even know what I'll wear tomorrow much less what college I'm going to.

And Ian in the picture in college? Yea, maybe.  Seems like I'd be more worried about him getting good grades than actually having time to study myself.  And I don't want to do the motherly thing and help him out on his homework when I'd have tons to do.
So Ian = independent, or non existent.  I can do that.

The thing with my dad isn't going too well.  He won't listen to us, and believes the problem is with my mom not upholding custody laws.  He's hired a lawyer, which means we might have to too (hello 10,000 dollar fee).  He wants us to meet with counselors but we don't cause my sister and I don't need any fucking mediation.
I hope he dies. I'm reallllly super fed up with him right now.

I might be getting a cell phone if jew Fed Ex can hurry their ass up.

I dumped Ian for a bit.  That was kinda fun.  We're together again (kinda boring, I know) and probably will be for awhile (even more boring, I know)

I threw up a bunch over the last weekend of spring break, and thought I had morning sickness. Which I'm not pregnant, and it was the flu. But it sucked hardcore with me pukinge very thirty minutes and getting dehydrated and what not.  Now my head still spins and vision's a little fuzzy cause my appetite is not what it used to be.

My life is kind of boring, or mostly I don't care about this anymore. 

Love and Great Sexpectations,

Nat