Ian asked me back out<3.

Thank God...

I'm happy for the most part.  There's little things I could change about him, but I suppose we take the good with the bad.
I just wish he'd want to talk to me more.
Ya know...maybe come home at 8 to call me.  Instead of 11.

And what's weird is that I'm okay with this.  Maybe I'm starting to click in to this long term relationship mode; I know that he won't be perfect...and I have to accept that.  Even if it makes me want to cry.
Because one day, he'll be in my spot.  He'll be wanting me, and I won't be there.  And all the times I've cried and called will come to justice.

I'm hoping to find that with Dustin :).

I wonder if I got down on my knees if Ian would look at me and say 'Okay'.  I wonder if he'd want me more.  I wonder if I told him all the shit that Dustin says (even if he's a huge flirt...) would he care. Would he come home to talk to me. To protect me.

Yea..prove me wrong.  Cause I get tired of not seeing you sometimes.  And I kind of want to smack you across the face and yell at you.  I want you to calm me down. I want you to tell me you love me...and fucking prove it.  Do something, anything, just to remind me why we're together.

But I realize that i'm one of those housewife girls.  I sit at home and wait for you, because maybe you'll call me, and maybe you won't.  And maybe my heart beats fast when the phone rings, and maybe I want to cry when you never call.  But I'll wait...it's all I do with you...I wait.
And I love it. Because I know you can be good.
Just not all the time.

=/...Nat

I just consumed my entire body weight in licorice.
And I'm happy? Yea...this is what this is...this is happy.
i remember this.

I've had 18 people (yes, I've counted) telling me to leave Ian.
Because he's not worth crying over. He's not worth waiting over. He's not worth me.

And, I'm not gonna lie...I believed them. And I really wanted to.  But, he always said he'd 'ask me out again...most likely' and that's a sketchy thing to say...but I believed him.  Because, what the hell, love is this big loop thing. Trust me; I've had a multitude of time to figure this one out:
You fall in love. You're ecstatically happy to the point where you want to cry, just so you remember what it was like to be in pain.  Then things peak off, and you're pretty much killed.  Because God only made you that happy to prepare you for the worst moment.  And the fact that you were that happy will keep you from commiting suicide.  Then things start feeling better, because you can only cry yourself to sleep for four weeks before you start cutting.  And you start falling more in love, and you start smiling more, because you're tired of hating.  And God only made you that depressed so you'd appreciate feeling in love again.
Wash.
Rinse.
Repeat.

It's inevitable, really...so maybe I should learn to enjoy each moment.
And I think I have.

Call it cheesy to grow up so much just because Ian broke up with me.
but I guess i have...

Just stopping Ian would be painful.  But then it wouldn't hurt anymore after that. And, then, I wouldn't be that happy ever again.

Because Ian's 'it'
Ian's that stupid icon about love that you see on the internet.
Ian's the reason I plan out my outfits.
Ian's why I stay up until midnight every night.  Even if he doesn't call me.
Ian's my future.
Ian's a 15 year old, silly boy, and has control of my heart.

Yea...I'll lie, I'll say that he's being an asshole, and that I'm done with him.  but that's cause I don't want everyone calling me stupid and I don't want everyone knowing that i'm okay with a boyfriend who'll 'love me, but not want to spend time with me'

He can skate for the rest of his life...he can spend all the time he wants with other girls..and, yes, I'll hate it. Yea, I'll bitch and cry.  But I know that he'll (probably) come home to talk to me.
Because I matter to him.
Even if I'm last on the list...I'm still on the list.

And this is what you do when you're in love.  And I feel good about this, finally. <3

Yea. I'm still waiting, by the way.  He'll ask me out...hopefully.  Maybe soon, maybe later...but I made him fall madly in love with me once, and I can do it again.

Natalie :]

I have this weird physically sick feeling in my stomach.

So I'm all happy and glow-y now because I know that's what I'd have to be to get Ian back.
It's as simple as that. He hates being around me when I'm sad (which is apparently all the time) So I'm happy for him...then he'll want to be around me.  If he keeps going to band practice like he did, I will once again become pissed off. And probably attempt to end things for good.

Call me a genious? I think so.

So, now, he says he'll ask me out soon. Which I can't tell if it's a lie or not. Cause he still is awful friendly with Khori (hoooo) and it makes me ENTIRELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

She sat on his lap (don't fucking deny it you damn loser.)
She wanted him to walk her to church. He said yes.
She wanted him to go to the movies with her. HE SAID YES.
He sent her a message asking to call her.

So, I'm not against him having friends that are girls. I'm against him building up a close fucking relationship with a slutty girl who happens to be more attractive than me. Although she made her make up ass-ugly today.

He says that they're 'just friends'. You don't do shit like that with a girl, when you are in love with another one. Even if we're not going out, common sense should smack you in your fucking asian face and tell you that it's not okay to call other girls who appear to be crushing on you.
I don't care if all you talk about is me.
All I want you to be talking to is me.

I don't know if I'm possessive and jealous. But this is sending up a huge fucking red flag.

 You know what, I'm done lying down and agreeing to your shitty opinions just so we don't have fights. Why don't you start backing down for once and realizing that THIS IS WRONG.

Here we go...you're not the brightest crayon in the box, so maybe this will lay it out in simple terms that are understandable:

YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE YOU SAY SO.
YOU WANT TO TALK AND HANG OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL.
SOMETIMES BE ALONE WITH HER.
SHE LOOKS SLUTTY, AND ACTS SLUTTY.
I THINK SHE MIGHT BE EASY.
I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT HER. I CARE ABOUT YOU.
I DO NOT LIKE THAT YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH HER.
LAST WEEK, YOU SPENT MORE TIME WITH HER THAN ME.
AND YOU SAY YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME.
^^^THAT MEANS YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME.
NOT SOME OTHER GIRL.
I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S YOUR FRIEND, JUST DON'T BE SO FUCKING CLOSE WITH HER.

Now do you understand? How bout instead of answering her every wish, you start answering mine.
And when you have a cell phone, how bout you don't hand the number out to girls like that.  I don't give my cell number to guys.
Also, how bout instead of talking to herrrr, you talk to meeee.

Dumbass. This is common relationship sense.

We definitely have to start reaching agreements.

Sometimes, you're so fuckin stupid that I wish I had chosen another guy to fall madly in love with.

(btw, if you start pinning this shit of 'oh! You're territorial! Oh! you're possessive! Oh! I'll have as many girl friends as I want! Cause THEY WON'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!' I'll fucking kill you.  I don't care if she means nothing to you, I care that you want to spend so much time on her)

And, yea, Ian's prob. not gonna read this. but I did hack your myspace account.
you're such an asshole.

Not many people read this.  And the ones who do probably arleady know what's going on.

BUt get ian to read this. Unless things pan out between him and i, there's orpobably a lot of things i won't be bale to say.  Some of them are angry, but i hope morest of them aren't. Please read this kid. i always get scared to talk to you.

(I'm crying right now. thanks)

So. uh, this won't have a lot of structures. just follow the gnereal thought process:

I'm in fucking love with Ian james okampo morales. ANd he treats me like any other friend. My mom knows, mattie knows, everyone knows. And I hate it. i hate it so ufcing much that I don't ksleep anymore. And I cry so much anymroe. And ian dones't mean for this to happen, but he doesn't realizcxe he causes it. Or maybe he does, and he'sa f ucking dick and doesn't change.

IM NOT ASKING YOU TO QUIT YOUR LIFE. IM AKSING YOU TO KEEP YOUR PROMIESES. AND WANT TO BE WITH ME. IM ASKING YOU TO LOVE ME LIKE YOU USED TO. IM ASKING YOU TO NOT PUT ME LAST ON YOUR lIST. IM ASKING YOU TO STOP ME FROM CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP. IM ASKIGN YOU TO GET OUR RELATIONSHIP BACK TO WHAT IT WAS LIKE AT OUR FIRST ANNIVERSATRTY!

 You know what? I didn't fucking change. it was all you. THe way you act, the way i never see you alone anymore, it made me like this. okay? I t made me depresse.d It made me cut mself. You don't even see the new ones, cause you're not around. Sure you 'see' me, sure you t'al' to me. WHenever your firneds aren't around.

You have so many friends that i get budgesdout of your ilfe. I never get to TALK TO YOU LIKE WE FUCKING USED TO. THERES ALWAYS ONE OF YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS COMING UP AND TLAKING. AND I MISS YOU! OKAY?! IM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I MISs YOU! PLEASe, why cna't you miss me too>1? And yea, don't pull that fucking bullshit of 'i sacrificed for you! people want me to skate, and be with them, and i haave band! But i turn that down for you!' Okay. Then tell me when you thave time for a fucking girlfriend. because right nowl, i don't want to be some chick you just hook up with. show me that you fucking lonave LVOE lOVe lvoe vleo me okay? Cause I don't know if you do, and i'm so close to ending everything. just so fucking tired of you and me feeling so alone.

And you say all this shit but it's not likely you ac t it. You say oyu love me and you miss me, but then you don't change. if you loved me, missed me, wanted me as your FUCKING GIRLFRIEND FOR NEARLY 7 FUCKING MONTHS YOUD END THE WORLD FOR ME.

YOu fucking know I'd do this for youl You know I'd tell anyone to go to hell, i'd stop anything for you. Obviously you don't love me . ANd maybe it's good I dumped your ass.

Because, I love you. I love you. I love you so fucking much that it physically hurts me right now. I can actually feel my heart cave inward. ANd I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME LIKE THIS. I hate that I loved you. I hate that I need you. I hate that you're at red robins right now, and you won't call me until 11 pm. I hate that I'll answer the phone. I'll put on a fake fucking smile fo rr you because I want tyou to love me. ANd if i need to suck up my tears, nad ignore the fact that my heart is snapping, i will. i just want you to be with me. and to love me.

And you make so mya promises. and you say so much. AND I BELIEVE YOU! WHY THE efuck amd I so stupid to believe you?! Why cna't I get the hint. I obviously don't mean so much to you or you'd WANT TO BE WITH ME. NO MATTER WHO SAID WHAT.

I WOULD BE AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR BAND. nand i'm not. And i fucking hate being second. sure, you'll eventually see me. sure you'l eventually talk to me. but it'll be at fucvking midnight, or last on your list. CHOOSE ME FIRST ONCE! OKAY!?

and it hrust right now. and i want to do something stupid. bnut i know you won't care. And i walked into red robins and i wanted tyou to walk to me and say 'Yea. I know. You hrut' but you didn't. YOu k now whay? Probably cause you had that fucking slut on top of you.

I would've walked back to find you. i would've said I'm sorry until i couldn't breathe. but my sister told me that she was on your lap. And that girl I can't fucking stand. She's a fcking dumb shit ywho trie dot tell me to stay with you,a dn theat you really love me, then SHE FUCKING GOES AND SITS ON YOUR FDIDKC. I can't fucking believe her. AND IT SHOULD BE COMMON SENSE THAT YOU DONT WALK WITH HER TO CHURCH OR HANG OUT WITH HER! WHEN YOU HAVE   GIRLFRIEND< THAT IS THE ONLY GIRL YOU SEE ALONE! ARE YOU That sUTUtpedid FUCVKIGN DSUTPID BABY@!

tou know, I told you I'd wait foreve.r And I will. And I am. But I want you to know how fucking badly it hruts. And how fucking badly it's changing me. You know how you say it's so hard teo talk to me? bECUAE IM TRYING TO SUCK EVERYTHIGN UOP! BECAUEE IM NOT HAPPY! IM NOT OKAY! IM NOT FEELING GODO@ IM NOT SLEEPING! I CUT STILL! PLEASE! HELP ME OKAY?! HELP ME/ I NEED YOU. AND YOU DONT SEE THIS. And tell me what i'm doing wrong, so you'd actually want me again. nd I put on this fake fucking shit for you, just so you'd want to talk to me. If I'm unhappy, i might as well be fake as a fucking press on fignerlnal so atleast you'd talk to me.

And I was trying to be so happy for you with yourband. because you're happy. but it's hard to be happy when you're fucking crushed inside. i so fucking badly fucking wanted to fucking give you the biggest fucking hug and say I'm proud of you baby. But I can't becuase I know oyu'd be leaving me.

I don't think you know how much stupid shit i do for you. how much i do it because i think you'll like me, and how much more i'd do for you. I smile every day for you becuase i know that's what you want to see. i dont' want st=o smile, in fact i want to sit and cry so long that my eyes fall out. beut i can't around you.

Because i behave like my dad around you. and i'm so scared of that.

And im so close to losing you. but this is my one fighting chance at saving us. and i'm willing to choew off my own arm if that means you'd take me back. because i'm too shaken right now to have me with you.

Gues swhat. I want you to love me so bad that I didn't tell you that Antonio and I kissed.

yea. I fucking hated it. And yea, all I thought about was you. And yea, I fucking regret this so much that I don't want to tell you. And I don't ever want to fucking get close to doing anything that fucking stupid again. but i couldn't think straight without you. i need you more than you know, and when i'm stuck alone forever, i'll take whoever i can get. And it was him. And it wasn't enjoyable. And i thre wup i was so scared and nervous.

And you'll probably dump me after reading this. If we ever get back together.And it was a stupid choice. and i'm sorry. Just know it didn't go further than that and it was one sided. It didn't fukcing mean anyhting at all to me. and if i couldtake it back, i would.

And i though you'd come for me after red robins.

IM SO FUCKING STUPiD FOR WAITONG ON YOU

PLEASE IAN. THIS HRUTS MORE THAN IM WILLING TO TAKE. PLEASE PROVE TO ME THAT YOU LVOE ME AGAIN. PLease. please/ i'm begging you.

It's not me giving up my friends that makes me lonely. it's you. I say that bullshit so we don't fight even worse. but it's you. it's you never wanting to be around me. what happened to when you sed to call me at y? and we'd talk to 10? now I call you at 9:30. And we fight until 11. I doubt you'd even be with me if I wasn't so fucking in love with you.

ian.
i could take you back. or i can stay like this. i just need you to choose whether you want me.

And will continue to want me. and will put me number one on your list. something has to change if we want to be together. cause we don't act like lovers anymore. btw, i'm not the one who's doing anything different. learn to moderate your life.

Goodbye, and fuck yourself.
or I love you and i'll marry you one day.

You fucking choose. This is the last time i'm waiting for you.

natlie.