|
I find that it's easier to cope with dissapointment when your hopes weren't too high in the first place.
So let's start off with a few facts: I am a horrible human being
I don't actually possess a heart
I am cruel and brutal
I feel the need to capture as many hearts as I find possible
I'm self-centered
I have no morals, guilt or shame.
I'm a whore. A slut. A hooker. A prostitute. All I need to do is actually fuck someone to get those titles.
I will seriously hurt you if you try and love me. Now that you don't have any delusions of me being a good person, I'll say I fucked up. Badly, I guess. Although it's not affecting me yet; only the shock was mildly frightening. I made a new friend. he's Dustin Michael Armstrong. I met him when I was single, he was nice..we instantly bonded. A few days of flirting, and I'm suddenly back with Ian.
Not that I don't mind that...After all, I'm undoubtedly in love with that kid. It was fun to be around a new guy. When Ian was with his band so much, I never saw him. I missed him, I was lonely, I got depressed, I was ready to kill. Dustin wanted to be with me. Hell, let's say it, Dustin wanted me.
(Here's where I show how disgusting I am) I liked being wanted. That was it. My feelings were mediocre for this boy, I'd date him. I liked him, but not enough. Not to the extent that I liked Ian. I let Dustin believe I really loved him; who wants to crush a cute kid like that? Dustin just had to fall in love. A pretty deep love I'd say. And it still didn't bother me that I didn't love him back the same. We hung out, and I'll admit that we flirted. I was in love with Ian. But at the time it seemed like he didn't 'want' me the way that Dustin did. And it feels good to be wanted. And he was new, and exciting, and after 8 months of one boy, you want something new. I'm a whore for love. I hung around with Dustin because he loved me. And I needed that. Ian says he loves me, but it doesn't feel like he shows it. You can't say 'I love you more than anything' and then leave your girlfriend alone and crying on your anniversary. I was pissed. I was lonely. Dustin was convenient and a rebound. I liked him as a friend. Maybe a friend you could hug once in a while. I end up hanging with Dustin more than I even see Ian. I sink low enough to talk to him on the phone for hours at night. I guess I would maybe date him...if I was single. Soooo.. I just sideskirt a couple of facts with Ian. He hears some of the story, just not all of it. I find no reason to go into every detail. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Until someone says something. Mattie happens to be the unlucky one who said something. Ian got pissed (although he wasn't actually too angry. He was more miffed at the thought that I was trying to stop Mattie from saying anything)
And Dustin hates Mattie. In his mind, Mattie crushed all the hopes he had of boning me. Because now Ian knew, and obviously we couldn't carry on as before. Dustin shouldn't actually hate Mattie, because she just talked. I was the one who did it. But you can never hate the one you love. So you go to the next person who was involved: Mattie. I blow up at Mattie because I'm scared Ian will dump me, and that I'll lose Dustin as a potential lover.
I later realize I was a stupid shit, because Ian wasn't that angry.
But Dustin was sure upset. Try 11 hours of crying on the phone. No sleeping for three nights. And over 14 calls, and 6 texts. This kid was commited. Don't try and guilt-trip me over this. That I made an innocent 16 year old who was so in love it was painful fall in love and cry. It won't affect me. Because I am fucking horrible. And you probably don't understand that. People told me I was stupid, and if I realized how badly I crushed this kid; Duh. I knew. I was the one he called. I was the one who talked to him until 5 am because he was scared to lose me.
I know how bad he was.
I know how scared he was.
I know how in love he was. I decide it'd be better if I drop kicked the boy, then let him hang around me and slowly realize that I don't have a possiblity of dating him because Ian and I are pretty fucking steady.
He won't take no for an answer. And that leaves us with the present: Ian isn't angry anymore, as long as I don't say 'I love you' to him. And as long as I don't hang out too much with him. Dustin is happy when he sees me, or when we talk; I can't blame him. he won't stop loving me, and I have to give him atleast something so he doesn't take a bunch of X. And Mattie might be pissed at me still. In fact I think she is. Jannay probably is too, although this has nothing at all to do with her. And I think she should back out... But I'm worried about Mattie. I suppose she'll stop being angry sometime =/. I hope she will be.
But maybe not. Because I should've been killed a long time ago. No one should actually want to be my friend. I'll most likely hurt them too. It's what I fucking do.
Not that I'm happy about it.
But it's how I work. Think of me as a sadist. Natalie
|
